Thursday, December 9, 2010

Fondness, Faber, And Florida

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I don’t think the people who coined that phrase were ever absent for a long period.  I also think the people who coined the phrase “coined a phrase” were so poor they didn’t have paper money, but that’s another story.  Do you know what else is another story?  Green Eggs And Ham.  So was “Tootsie.”  Try as you might you can’t deny that.  Anyway, back to absence and the heart; I’ve been absent far too much in the back half of 2010, and it hasn’t made me any fonder of my family, it’s simply made me ... absent.  I’m already more fond of my family than anything else on earth and a good portion of things on Jupiter.  After being home most of the past three weeks I’m heading out again; all absence has made me today is mad.  It’s also made me determined to get off the road - this joke blog will lead to a TV writing gig soon, I can feel it.  You can help - forward my blog to the head writers of all the talk shows that you personally know or have heard of or slept with.  The sooner you do, the sooner the fond can grow harder.  If you get my drift.  I’ll show you pictures.
See more of me including TV appearances & video clips at www.starspangledcomedy.com.
... we need a little joking, right this jokey minute ...
Oprah Winfrey has denied that she is a lesbian.  TMZ reports that Stedman is standing by his accusation and daring Oprah to “prove it.”
Good news: Long-term use of a daily low-dose aspirin dramatically cuts the risk of dying from a wide array of cancers.  Bad news: It dramatically increases the risk of dying from aspirin overdose.
A woman in Sacramento has returned a library book that was seventy-four years overdue.  In her defense, the book was “The Never Ending Story.”
A new study by Gallup shows that presidents John F Kennedy and Ronald Reagan remain very popular decades after their terms in office.  However, the most popular president in history remains the President of Faber College’s Delta house, Eric “Otter” Stratton.
Studies suggest that children who attend day-care get more infections now, but will get far fewer later in life.  So those of you who went to day care can save tons of money not buying condoms.
Two Southern California men have filed a class action suit against adult website YouPorn.com.  The suit would have been filed months ago, but the men had to type their affidavits with one hand.
China told the United States that dialogue was the only way to calm escalating tension on the divided Korean peninsula.  Actually they said “diarogue,” but we knew what they meant.
Bad news: A new report says The United States has fallen from top of the class to average in world education rankings.  Good news: Since we’re no longer brainy geeks, the U.S. now gets to sit at the cool kids lunch table and feel up the cheerleaders at Canada’s party.
Officials say an Antarctic cruise ship with 160 passengers has lost an engine, but is slowly moving safely to its scheduled port.  The most shocking thing about this story is that there are 160 people crazy enough to schedule a cruise to Antarctica.
Joy Behar has been named a judge for the Miss America competition.  Contestants will be judged in several  new categories, such as incessant gum chewing, having an incredibly annoying and nasal accent, and making uninformed and stupid statements with an impossibly and totally undeserved smug demeanor.
A porn actor recently found to be HIV-positive has called for industry-wide condom use.  Part two of the press conference was Charlie Sheen speaking about the wonders of non-alcoholic beer. OR Boy, talk about closing the barn door after the horse escapes ... and then having unprotected sex in that barn. OR He says he will help promote the idea in his new adult film “Information I could Have Used LAST Year.”  OR “Safe Sex Is Cool, Now Hand Me That Blowtorch And Grab Your Ankles.”
A Japanese space probe has overshot Venus and is now headed for the Sun.  I tried to tell them to get in the turning lane sooner, but they just wouldn’t listen.  
A new study says it takes roughly seven months for the violent tendencies of steroid use to abate once a person stops using.  In a related story, a judge has delayed Roger Clemens trial until July, seven months from now.
Police have arrested several students selling cocaine, LSD, and marijuana at Columbia University.  To my father I’d just like to say: See Dad, I wasn’t that bad of a student, was I?
University of Florida football coach Urban Meyer has announced his retirement for the second year in a row.  Meyer says he wants to spend more time with his idol, Brett Favre.
A.I.G. is taking a key step toward paying off their $182 billion federal bailout.  The step?  Jacking up rates on current policyholders!  Yaaaayyy!!!
An Australian study of men aged 75-95 reveals that many are still sexually active and wish they could have even more sex.  Reaction to the study has ranged from “EEEEEW!!!” to “OMFG NO WAY EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!”  OR To be fair, the “wish they could have even more sex” part applies to men age 12-1,000.
Governmental representatives from around the world failed to reach an agreement to fight global warming during their conference in Cancun, Mexico.  Mostly because they were doing topless tequila shooters at Senor Frogs until 4AM.
A mini Triceratops has been found to be the first horny dinosaur from South Korea.  Apparently the Triceratops were soooo hoooorny, and has loved the caveman visiting from New Jersey loooong time.

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