Pamplona And The Piano Man

“I’m back.” -- Michael Jordan, 1995

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...joking on the sunny side of the street...

That black cobra form the Bronx Zoo will probably go to jail when they catch it. A white cobra would get probation or a halfway house.

A group has found a shipwreck in the waters of Lake Michigan that may date back to the 1830’s. Anderson Cooper immediately asked Larry King if he remembered the incident. OR Late night comedians immediately blamed the wreck on Sarah Palin.

Scientists have found 2,000 year old coral near a BP oil well in the gulf. A BP spokesman apologized, and assured stockholders that in the future they’d kill every single thing around their wells.

Spanish scientists are searching for the “fuel of the future.”  So far their ideas consist mostly of bulls chasing men in red sashes around on oversized hamster wheels.

A senior Libyan official has resigned.  His resignation says he’s pursuing other opportunities, and really hopes he gets the Tigerblood intern position.

Japan has asked the U.S. and France for assistance in their nuclear crisis.  Neither was helpful, as France advised them to immediately surrender and the U.S. said “Well, just drop it on...nevermind.”

The $319 million MegaMillions jackpot went to seven I.T. workers at the New York state Division of Housing and Community Renewal. In other words, there are seven job openings in the I.T. department at the New York State Division of Housing and Community Renewal.

A former NBA referee was charged with attacking Atlanta Hawks Hall of Famer Dominique Wilkins. When accused, the referee lifted both of his hands over his head and had a look of complete shock on his face while mouthing the words “I never touched him!”  The crowd booed.

Men with small penises everywhere were disappointed on Opening Day to learn that the book “A Game Of Inches” is actually about baseball.

A Tiawanese company pled guilty this week in a case of dumping waste into a harbor in American Samoa. They had originally planned to fight the charges, but their attorney burst out laughing every time anyone said “dumping,” so they pled it out.

German doctors advised by government to give patients more placebos. In a related story, the Weinstein family has decided to switch to French doctors.

Billy Joel has cancelled the memoir he was planning to write.  Apparently his ghost writer Davey is still in the Navy and probably will be for life.

McDonalds sales were up across Europe in February.  Remember that next time some coffee house pseudo-intellectual tells you how much smarter Europeans are.

KIA has recalled over 70,000 of it’s Optima’s.  A spokesman for the company said “We sold 70,000 of those pieces of crap?  Really?”

Hey Chuck Lorre, I'm Available (No, Really)

You know that guy in the movies who has all of the success, all of the money, and all of the possessions and then learns that love is more important?  That’s me, except without the success, money, or possessions.  I guess if you learn that lesson about love early in life you’re forced to skip the other parts.  Crap.  Hey Chuck Lorre, I’ll take the “open” role on your sitcom for whatever Hollywood’s League Minimum happens to be.  Just call.  Or email.  Or Tweet.  Or look outside, I’m on your lawn.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joking, but only half joking Mr. Lorre ...

A Turkish zoo says a tiger killed a lion when it stuck its paw through a narrow gap in a door dividing their cages.  Before being tranquilized, the Tiger claimed to be “Winning and full of Charlie Blood.”

A NASA scientist claimed this weekend to have found evidence of alien life.  It turns out he had accidentally bumped his radio transmitter and was picking up TigerBlood Radio instead.  OR Told there’s life on other planets, William Shatner asked “Are they hot?”

Thirty inches of snow blanketed upstate New York and Vermont.  Charlie Sheen’s plane was halfway there before his staff could convince him “No, it’s just snow Charlie; REAL snow.”

The most expensive painting ever sold at auction is Pablo Picasso’s “Nude, Green Leaves, And Bust.”  Art aficionados say the price could have gone even higher, if it wasn’t for the “Green Leaves” part.

Luxury jeweler Bulgari has been purchased in a $5.19 billion deal.  From the prices I’ve seen, that’ll buy about six of their watches.

Gas prices rose again this week, due to unrest in Libya.  That’s a much better reason than last week, when they raised gas prices because The Oscars sucked.  Way better than next week’s excuse, when they’ll raise gas prices again because “The sun was in our eyes.”

Consumer Reports Magazine release a poll saying that 63% of drivers under the age of thirty admitted to driving while being on the phone.  As for the other 37%, pollsters just kept getting a busy signal.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid says that due to unrest in the Middle East, he wants to “tap the Strategic Oil Reserves.”  What he didn’t say is that “Strategic Oil Reserves” is the stage name of his favorite Vegas stripper.

A small colony of emperor penguins on an island off the West Antarctic Peninsula is gone, and some scientists want to blame Global Warming.  I say we should wait a little while; it is Spring Break season, maybe they just went to Vegas or something.

Crying in the Miami Heat locker room = giggling & giant boner.

A new study says Hawaii is the happiest state in the Union.  The least happy?  Whatever state you return to after vacationing in Hawaii.

It’s been revealed that Britain’s Prince Andrew received a large sum of money from an American pedophile.  Reached for comment, Prince Andrew said “I don’t understand what I did wrong, Hugh Hefner offered me a check and I took it.  What?”

Singer Marc Anthony has joined the cast of TNT’s “Hawthorne.”  People took note around Hollywood, saying “That show’s still on?”

I’m starting to wonder exactly how many paid sick days you get if you work in the Wisconsin legislature.

Sean Penn says he thinks Charlie Sheen could do a lot of good in Haiti.  Sean, Haiti just had a devastating earthquake and now you want to send Charlie down there?  How much do you think these poor people can take?

THREE BAD SPORTS MASCOTS

-The Fighting Aereolas

-The Granola Munching Hippies

-A Gaggle Of Effeminate Men

Delayed By The Cloud

OK, this blog was supposed to post several days ago, but I was in internet H E Double Hockey Sticks so it’s just posting now.  If you think some of these topics are dated, meet me in the alley behind the In-N-Out in Hollywood at 10PM sharp and we’ll settle this.  Bring Yahtzee.  Punk.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... a joke is a joke is a joke, of course ...

A new law in New York says it’s illegal to have a dog tied up for more than three hours.  However, the law is vague about any time limit if she’s hot.

A new study found that a small nuclear war could reverse the effects of global warming.  Dear President Obama: Libya. Two birds, one stone: Hint, hint.

Thirteen Mexican troops have been arrested and charged with transporting drugs.  The most shocking part of the story is that they only managed to catch THIRTEEN of them.

The internet went dark in Libya yesterday, but traffic at porn sites was stable.  Like we always do, American men stepped in to pick up the slack and keep the world economy going.

Charlie Sheen has apparently said “Tiger Blood” one too many times; last night Elin Nordegren showed up and hit him in the head with a nine iron.

A new study says that teens and young adults are having less sex than they did a decade ago.  Experts say this could be tied to another recent study that said teens and young adults are fatter than a decade ago.

Scientists say that a study using deep-water cameras has revealed how and where tiny ocean animals called Krill have sex.  The study also reveals that scientists need to get a girlfriend.  

Orange County, California announced the participants in the Festival Of Whales this week.  Executives at Dancing With The Stars are threatening a lawsuit, claiming they already have a signed contract with Kirstie Alley.

63% of all web videos no longer require flash.  However, 88% of all viewed web videos involve flashing of some kind.

Wait a minute: I thought the middle east didn’t want democracy?

A 500-foot Ferris wheel, which would be the tallest in the Western Hemisphere, may be built on the Las Vegas strip.  Newly released ads on trucks in the city promise that by calling a 1-800 number, you can go “once around” for $500.

A recent U.S. News And World Report article tried to help people decide what kind of mortgage to obtain.  Here’s a thought: How about going for the one you can afford?