Monday, March 7, 2011

Hey Chuck Lorre, I'm Available (No, Really)

You know that guy in the movies who has all of the success, all of the money, and all of the possessions and then learns that love is more important?  That’s me, except without the success, money, or possessions.  I guess if you learn that lesson about love early in life you’re forced to skip the other parts.  Crap.  Hey Chuck Lorre, I’ll take the “open” role on your sitcom for whatever Hollywood’s League Minimum happens to be.  Just call.  Or email.  Or Tweet.  Or look outside, I’m on your lawn.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... joking, but only half joking Mr. Lorre ...
A Turkish zoo says a tiger killed a lion when it stuck its paw through a narrow gap in a door dividing their cages.  Before being tranquilized, the Tiger claimed to be “Winning and full of Charlie Blood.”
A NASA scientist claimed this weekend to have found evidence of alien life.  It turns out he had accidentally bumped his radio transmitter and was picking up TigerBlood Radio instead.  OR Told there’s life on other planets, William Shatner asked “Are they hot?”
Thirty inches of snow blanketed upstate New York and Vermont.  Charlie Sheen’s plane was halfway there before his staff could convince him “No, it’s just snow Charlie; REAL snow.”
The most expensive painting ever sold at auction is Pablo Picasso’s “Nude, Green Leaves, And Bust.”  Art aficionados say the price could have gone even higher, if it wasn’t for the “Green Leaves” part.
Luxury jeweler Bulgari has been purchased in a $5.19 billion deal.  From the prices I’ve seen, that’ll buy about six of their watches.
Gas prices rose again this week, due to unrest in Libya.  That’s a much better reason than last week, when they raised gas prices because The Oscars sucked.  Way better than next week’s excuse, when they’ll raise gas prices again because “The sun was in our eyes.”
Consumer Reports Magazine release a poll saying that 63% of drivers under the age of thirty admitted to driving while being on the phone.  As for the other 37%, pollsters just kept getting a busy signal.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says that due to unrest in the Middle East, he wants to “tap the Strategic Oil Reserves.”  What he didn’t say is that “Strategic Oil Reserves” is the stage name of his favorite Vegas stripper.
A small colony of emperor penguins on an island off the West Antarctic Peninsula is gone, and some scientists want to blame Global Warming.  I say we should wait a little while; it is Spring Break season, maybe they just went to Vegas or something.
Crying in the Miami Heat locker room = giggling & giant boner.
A new study says Hawaii is the happiest state in the Union.  The least happy?  Whatever state you return to after vacationing in Hawaii.
It’s been revealed that Britain’s Prince Andrew received a large sum of money from an American pedophile.  Reached for comment, Prince Andrew said “I don’t understand what I did wrong, Hugh Hefner offered me a check and I took it.  What?”
Singer Marc Anthony has joined the cast of TNT’s “Hawthorne.”  People took note around Hollywood, saying “That show’s still on?”
I’m starting to wonder exactly how many paid sick days you get if you work in the Wisconsin legislature.
Sean Penn says he thinks Charlie Sheen could do a lot of good in Haiti.  Sean, Haiti just had a devastating earthquake and now you want to send Charlie down there?  How much do you think these poor people can take?
-The Fighting Aereolas
-The Granola Munching Hippies
-A Gaggle Of Effeminate Men

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