Joe Is The Jewel

No intro today.  Just jokes.  Kinda like Just Joan Wilder.  I’m of the opinion that the chaos in Egypt is due to Mubarek naming the Cleveland Cavaliers “The Official Team Of The Nile.”  See how those flow together?

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... jokes will get you one day, Colton ...

Cairo's international airport was a scene of chaos and confusion today as thousands of foreigners sought to flee the unrest in Egypt.  In a similar story, LAX was a scene of chaos and confusion today because it’s Monday.

Bad news: Egypt’s shutdown of the internet and mobile phones raised the unrest and riots to new heights.  Good news: It cut down on people walking into closed doors while texting.

A Southern California man has developed what he calls “Soda Pot,” a soft drink infused with THC.  Lindsay Lohan says it’s the only thing that got her through rehab.

John Daly, angry for not getting sponsor exemptions, said he would never play the Bob Hope Classic or the Phoenix Open again.  Daly will stick with the Budweiser Invitational and the Jose Cuervo Open, where he has lifetime exemptions.  OR He then said he never liked those tournaments anyway because they’re fat, and sped off to play in the Hooters 18.

Chris Brown has completed his domestic violence program.  He said he hit that shit hard, and made it his bitch.

A Canadian woman has become the first person in the world to graduate with a Masters degree in Beatles studies.  She fell one credit short of her minor in Strawberry Alarm Clock.  Apparently she nailed the incense but failed the peppermints.

The midwest and upper plains are bracing for what could be an historic winter storm.  Residents considered flying south to escape potential damage, but realized that paying to rebuild a disaster area would be much cheaper than airline baggage fees.

Scientists in South Carolina have been working for a decade to try and grow meat.  Not sure what’s taking so long, Hooters girls can make meat grow just by walking.

A coalition of opposition groups called for a million people to take to Cairo's streets to protest this week.  Hearing this, Louis Farrakhan remarked “Yeah, good luck with that number.”

US researchers have found an increased number of cardiac deaths after a city's team loses the Super Bowl.  This is why I’m glad to be a Cleveland Browns fan - my heart is in zero danger.

Speaking of the Browns, they hired Mark Whipple as their new Quarterbacks coach.  He’s expected to scold the QB’s on the roster for squeezing the ball too hard.  If you immediately grasp that reference (without Googling), I salute you harder than those about to rock.

A small plane made an emergency landing on I-80 in New Jersey.  Local residents called it stupid, saying he would have made much better time if he’d stayed on I-95.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano on Monday warned Mexico's drug cartels that any attempt to bring their violent tactics across the border would produce a powerful reaction.  So look out cartels, if you come over here we’ll hold lots and lots of meetings.  Maybe even a press conference.  

Has anyone seen my pants?

Jesse And The Junk Science

Sometimes joke blogs are so funny, they need no introduction.  This is not one of those times, but I’m still giving no introduction.  What are you going to do, demand your money back?  I have things to do and places to run through pantsless.  Busy, busy, busy...

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... jokes come from a land down under ...

Some health experts say oral sex may be to blame for rising levels of certain neck cancers.  I say this is EXACTLY the kind of junk science that wives should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever hear.  Ever.

The National Archives says a longtime Abraham Lincoln researcher has been caught putting false information into Lincoln documents.  Apparently Lincoln never had a secretary named Kennedy.  Strangely, he did have a secretary named Tiger.  Also Lady GaGa.  Weird, right?  OR We now know that Lincoln was not, repeat not Oprah’s half-brother.

Keith Olbermann said this week that "reports of the death of my career are greatly exaggerated." Sadly, that half-mangled quote is one of the most original thoughts Olbermann has ever had.

Cycling champion Alberto Contador says there are many things an athlete can do that may cause a positive drug test.  Innocent things, like eating veal, drinking whisky, using certain brands of toothpaste, or even the simple act of injecting performance enhancing steroids directly into your bloodstream.  It’s a shame.

Fox Sports chairman David Hill believes NASCAR races need to be shortened to fit into a three-hour broadcast window.  Many others believe NASCAR races need to be shortened because they suck.

An Arizona restaurant has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in its tacos.  They instead decided to keep pace with Taco Bell and continue offering the three basics: bat, cat & rat.

The western Canadian province of Manitoba said it may experience heavy flooding this spring.  Man, talk about jumping on the bandwagon; all the cool countries are having flooding, and now you want to have some too?  Piss off Manitoba, you poser.

Former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura sued the TSA this week, alleging full-body scans and pat-downs at airport checkpoints violate his right to be free from unreasonable searches and seizures.  The lawsuit claims that the next time someone touches Ventura’s junk, he’ll throw a handful of salt in their eyes and crack a folding chair over their head.

Jersey Shore is headed to Italy for its fourth season.  If we all wish upon a star reeeeeeeally hard, maybe the Sicilians will teach them the ancient art of sleeping with the fishes.  OR Apparently the cast didn’t notice that the producers only bought them one way tickets.

A majority of both men and women agree that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster.  They also say that a fake profile picture gets you into bed even faster than that.  Throw in a big lie about your income and some tequila and “it’s like a freakin’ porno.”

The major college football conferences took in an all-time income record in the just-finished season.  Bookmark and remember this the next time a college football playoff is denounced due to “concerns over players academics.”

An expert European panel says that staff at Air France regularly neglects safety.  After emerging from a plane bathroom drunk, with another man’s half-dressed wife, while smoking a cigarette, Air France’s head Flight Attendant vehemently denied the report.

Letters From Algernon

It’s time once again for Stephen’s Mailbag, where I answer letters and emails from dedicated, imaginary fans!  Todays email comes from an excited fan who’s currently incarcerated at an undisclosed location:

“Dear Scumbag,

If I ever get out of here, you will learn a new meaning for the word pain.  You might even learn a new meaning for the word erudite, I mean I guess anything’s possible, right?  Oh, so what, now you think you’re smarter than me?  You want a piece of me?  You think I can’t get to you from in here?  Just who the hell do you think you are?” (Violent Series Of Graphic, Vomit-Inducing Threats Involving Steel Pegs, Acid-Covered Bubble Wrap, And Live Woodchucks Blacked Out By Authorities)

Cordially,

(Blacked Out By Authorities)

Woh, woh, woh there Captain Negative!  One question; the rule for Stephen’s Mailbag is ONE question!  Seems you got a little overzealous with the quill and inkwell LOL!  Anyway, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I really only have time to answer one of those queries.  Thank you for your loyal readership, and you are correct: Anything IS possible!  With that attitude we can all improve our lives on a daily basis, and make the world a better place for children (which from what the authorities told me about you is a subject near and dear to your heart).  I try to add more to the woodpile than I take away each day, and I can see you’re of a like mind.  So I guess what I’m saying is shoot for the stars, dream it and do it, butterfly!

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joke like me, they long to be, close to you ...

Statistics say that thousands of ER visits are caused each year by snow shoveling accidents.  Hollywoods A-list was initially concerned, but then realized that snowy winter stuff happens during self-indulgent awards season, so they really don’t give a crap.

A marauding monkey that terrorized Japan last year by biting nearly 120 people has escaped captivity.  Authorities say the monkey fooled zoo guards by crafting a fake head out of banana skins to put on the pillow in its cage, hiring another monkey to throw poop and make screeching masturbatory noises at the appropriate times, then fashioning a raft from raincoats and plastic Godzilla toys dropped near its cage and riding them through the sewer tunnels.

In an expression of concern over uncultured manners, China has mandated that all schoolchildren undergo lessons on etiquette.  In a similar move, U.S. public high schools have mandated that all pregnant students wearing bare midriff shirts and miniskirts must wear some form of underwear at least twice a week.  You know, to show class.

EZ Lube has announced they will hire 200 people in Southern California this week.  Misreading the notice, nearly 500 wannabe porn actresses have already lined up to “interview.”

McDonalds says it expects a price increase this year in the commodities they use in 75% of their food preparation.  So hang onto your Dow Chemical stock, it’s going up, baybee!!!!

Radio Shack says Chairman and CEO Julian Day will retire in May after five years at the helm.  Day said he enjoyed his time with the company, but couldn’t take them constantly asking for his mailing address while buying an iPhone cover.

Christina Aguilera will sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl in Dallas.  In a competing move, Britney Spears will have drunken sex at a pre-game parking lot tailgate party and release the cellphone video at halftime.

Analysts say that when President Obama delivers his second State of the Union address, ambience and style will trump substance.  In other words, don’t look now but it’s election season again.

A court in Illinois ruled Monday that Rahm Emanuel is ineligible to run for mayor of Chicago in next month's election.  Emanuel’s camp said their response would be handled by the law firm of Luka, Brazzi, & Corleone.

A new study repots there are eight good health reasons to drink coffee.  I’d say you really only need one reason: if I get to drink my coffee there’s less of a chance that I’ll punch you for no apparent reason.  OR Lucy Van Pelt says there are really only five reasons; (closing fingers one by one to make fist) 1-2-3-4-5.  Her brother Linus remarks that “Those are good reasons.”

After the loss in yesterday’s AFC Championship Game, Jets coach Rex Ryan was disappointed.  Ryan said before beginning preparations for next season he was planning to go home, put his wife’s feet up, and relax for awhile.

J.C. Penney is closing some stores, outlets and call center locations in an effort to streamline operations and boost profits.  This will affect bullies nationwide, as there will be fewer goofy kids wearing Toughskins jeans on the playground to harass.

A Yahoo poll asked readers what they wanted from the State Of The Union Address Tuesday night.  53% said they wanted President Obama to focus on jobs and the economy, 40% want The President to talk more about defense and security, and 7% said it would be the coolest State Of The Union EVER if he worked in the word “nipple” just once.

Peru said on Monday it had recognized a Palestinian state.  Peru later said it could have been mistaken, as it only saw the State from the back and “I guess it could have been my cousin Terry.”

Ernie Pantuso: You Border On The Adriatic

Minimalist blog intro today.  Booger.  Kardashian.  Sheen.  Favre.  Penis.  Boobs.  Possum.  LiLo.  Fraggle Rock.  Arthur.  Blueballs.  Kringle.  Fart.  Thank you.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... if you get caught between the joke and New York City ...

Former Big Brother winner Adam Jasinski was sentenced to four years in prison this week.  Jasinki is expected to quickly learn that there is no H.O.H. (Head Of Household) protection from being the B.O.W. (Bitch Of The Week).

President Obama said his goal is “putting the economy in overdrive.  Unfortunately, since the economy is American made, driving it anything over sixty-five MPH and it starts to smoke and shimmy badly.

Airplane manufacturer Boeing is cutting 900 jobs.  Delta Airlines immediately instituted a $25 per passenger “Boeing Cut Jobs” fee.

Good news: The International Monetary Fund offered Poland a new credit line worth about $30 billion.  Bad news: The contract strictly stipulates that only $3 billion may be used for light bulb replacement.

Violence erupted in Albania as protesters battled police in what the Prime Minister called a Tunisia-style uprising.  This marks the first time in history that the phrase “Tunisia-style” has ever been used.

Bad news: Cuba has suspended mail service to the U.S.  Good news: Since it involves mail delivery, it will be weeks or even months before anyone notices.

The Catholic Church will pay $1 million to a man who was abused by a priest who later hired a hit man to try and kill him.  Michael Jackson paid $10 million to settle still-unproven abuse charges.  Today’s lesson: If you have the choice, get banged by a celebrity.

The only U.S. company making a drug used in lethal injections has decided to stop.  Seriously, is there something wrong with just using Draino on these scumbags?

A study says smartphones have fostered “dumb” habit in New York City pedestrians, such as texting while walking and not paying attention to traffic signs.  New Yorkers used to stab each other, so I’d say this is an improvement.  Hooray iPhone!

Keith Olbermann abruptly left his nightly talk show on MSNBC.  His loyal viewers are distraught, and will all meet a single local coffee shop for a retrospective.

Governor Jerry Brown declared a state of fiscal emergency for California.  Brown later recanted his declaration, saying he’d “mellowed on it for a few hours, and everything is groovy.”

Two Russians went spacewalking outside the International Space Station this week.  It would have been fine if they’d left a note saying when they were going to be back, but they didn’t so their mother and I were worried SICK the whole time.  We’re not mad at them, we’re just disappointed.

Good news: Apple says the app store has reached 10 Billion downloads.  Bad news: When you remove apps that make fart noises or show boobs from that count, it drops to 838,000.

For the second time in a week,  pirates have suffered heavy losses on the high seas.  This has made front page news across the world except in Pittsburgh, where people are used to seeing the Pirates lose constantly.

A new study claims that eating a big breakfast doesn’t lower your daily caloric intake.  In other shocking health news, four martini lunches don’t lower your blood-alcohol level.

The cruise ship that caught fire in November is headed to San Francisco for further repairs.  That makes sense, where else would you go to have someone work on your tailpipe?

The Enquirer has alleged that Todd Palin is having an affair with a “massage therapist” in Alaska.  Of course, the Enquirer also claims that Nancy Pelosi is pregnant by Bigfoot, so let’s not jump to any conclusions.

Sixty lawmakers back a plan to change the way Congress is seated when in session, making the seating chart more bipartisan.  You know, because things are currently going so great Congress has nothing better to do.

A prehistoric fossil of a Pterosaur mother with an egg has revealed the dinosaurs’ female form for the first time.  The most shocking discoveries are that they had one hell of a nice rack, and apparently favored the Brazilian.

Breaking news: Heidi The Cross-Eyed Possum has been revealed as the latest victim of Navin R Johnson’s “Opti-Grab.”

Ricky Business And The Holy Grail

Starting a new business venture is fraught with peril.  Not the good kind of peril, like when you follow a grail-shaped beacon shone out by the bad, bad, naughty Zoot.  No, that’s excellent peril that you definitely make time for, Lancelot.  No, I’m referring to the kind of peril that could have you living on the street in a cardboard box, or even worse, back in your parents basement. (Not that I don’t love my folks, I just don’t think they want me and my wife and my child in their house....I will NOT have a 10PM curfew again, Dad!!  You can’t make me!!!!)  Some say it’s difficult to begin new life chapters, especially business chapters when you have so much and so many riding on the outcome.  However, when you consider your current situation and level of happiness, decisions become more clear - is what you’re “risking” really what you want at this stage of your life?  If you’re unhappy, disappointed, and know that others are holding you back from your full potential, are you really “risking” anything?  So I say holding on to something that’s over, and NOT taking chances is FAR more difficult - I’d rather swing and miss three times than stay safely in the dugout.  So ask yourself, if the new venture goes wrong, will you be feeling all Alfred, Lord Tennyson “O death in life, the days that are no more!”  If the answer is no, mass plenty of armies in Kamchatka (because it’s a vulnerable border most people miss when they Risk) and go for it.  Joel Goodson said it best after escaping the clutches of Guido The Killer Pimp: “Sometimes you just have to say ‘What the fuck,” and make your move.’”  My idol, the greatest performer of the 20th Century, Mister Francis Albert Sinatra, said it even better: “I’m gonna live, live, live until I die.”

Make today fantastic.

Or at least send me pictures of your rack, ladies.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joke, brave Sir Robin ...

Life Magazine has released previously unseen photos from JFK’s inauguration in 1960.  Among the amazing images are a shot of Ted with Dean Martin with the handwritten caption “Teddy’s first beer - he didn’t like it!” and one of Marilyn Monroe and Lucille Ball labeled “Threesome ... aaah yeah, baybee.”

Bad news: Heavy drinking may increase the risk of getting an abnormal heart rhythm.  Good news:  I never had much rhythm anyway.  Cheers!

Wal-Mart, the nation's largest grocer, says it will begin selling healthier food.  So get ready for deep-fried multi-vitamins and chai tea with ranch dip.

Consumer Reports magazine called Verizon’s new iPhone "middle-aged," suggesting that buyers might want to hold out for a younger model.  Hugh Hefner called it the best Consumer Reports article ever.

A Los Angeles woman can speak again after receiving a voice-box transplant.  Her husband is thrilled, saying “It’s great to hear her voice again, I’d completely forgotten what an asshole I am.”

A South Dakota official says Ted Nugent will not be charged for shooting pheasants last fall after some of his hunting privileges were revoked in California.  When asked why, the official said “Dude’s got a gun.”

A study shows that chess experts use their brain differently than amateur players.  The biggest difference?  Better chess moves.

The D.C. pandas have a new five year deal to stay in the U.S.  Reportedly the deal includes five million in guaranteed bamboo, a panda option for a sixth year, and the ability to block any trade to the New Jersey Nets.

President Obama wants to cast some light on economic success stories in the shadows of a slow recovery.  To do so, The President has appointed the new $250 billion “Find Economic Success Stories Task Force.”

A man broke into his ex-girlfriends house and reportedly urinated in her wine bottle.  The woman became suspicious when her Pinot Noir “finished way more asparagus-ey than normal.”

The Arby’s restaurant chain has been put up for sale, causing many Wall Street analysts to remark “Arby’s is still around?”

A Beverly Hills salon owner will admit to unauthorized use of celebrity credit cards.  Jennifer Aniston was the first to alert authorities, becoming suspicious after noticing a $400 charge on her Visa bill for “Nude Pictures Of Jennifer Aniston.”

Jesse James said in a recent interview that Kat von D is “The most beautiful girl in the world.”  Close inspection of the video reveals that while speaking, James blinked out a morse code message saying “Currently hostage.  Bitch be crazy.  Help me Sandra.”

UN health officials say governments and industry need to restrict advertising of junk food targeted at children, to fight child obesity.  That, or lazy parents could make the chubby little bastards put down the freaking X-Box, stop texting each other, and play outside.  Either way.

The U.S. Surgeon General has called for more breastfeeding, and suggests women allow men to do it anytime they want if they ask politely.   Well, I didn’t read the report but I’m assuming that last part is true.

South Carolina unions have sued Governor Nikki Haley for “hostility toward unions and workers joining unions.”  It could be worse, Governor; we know what the unions do if they’re REALLY mad at you.

Scientists are attempting once again to get Galapagos Tortoises to mate.  Their last attempt, named “Operation Tequila & Barry White Music” failed miserably.  The new project, called “Pretending To be Interested When She Talks About Her Job,” is considered a longshot.

College Basketball news: UMKC defeated IUPUI 85-77 in Double OT.  UMKC’s PG hit 3PTers at the end of regulation & OT#1 at the MCI Center, after IUPUI missed a bunch of FT’s & their coach got a T.  Time constraints moved the game from ABC to ESPN for OT#2.  IMHO NCAAB is better than NCAAF and the BCS, and ESPN ratings prove it, TYVM. LOL  Hold on, BRB...

NASCAR drivers are in favor of a simpler points system to determine their yearly championship.  NASCAR fans are in favor of an even simpler system that can be counted without removing your shoes and socks.  OR NASCAR fans are also in favor of the new system, as long as they can still scream “Show us your tits!!!!” at total strangers every race.  

President Obama will answer questions from YouTube users in a live event next week.  Expected questions range from “Is this not the cutest kitten and baby video you’ve ever seen?” to “Did you see that guy get kicked in the nuts?  Hilarious!!!”

A pair of New York firefighters are recovering from hypothermia after rescuing a horse from a swimming pool.  Apparently someone had led the horse there and it fell in after refusing to drink.

Little Ricky, Little Binky, Little Snooki

As many longtime readers are aware, I’m a huge fan of removing my pants and running around in public.  It’s free, it doesn’t promote tooth decay, and it gives those otherwise boring people who see me something interesting to discuss for awhile.  At least it will briefly stop them from talking about American Idol.  Sorry, I have NEVER understood the appeal - if I want to watch talentless losers butcher hit songs from the past forty years, I’ll go to any number of Vegas lounges; at least there I can get a Six Foot Blonde. (That’s a drink name...no really...order it correctly though, or you may find “that’s not a straw!”)  Anyway, the latest season of Idol began this week, so people will soon be discussing these idiots with the same fervor we used to reserve for important topics, like governmental affairs or how complete strangers’ hamstrings will affect the NFL playoffs.    You know, life altering stuff.  I don’t want to know about idol, so attempting to engage me in conversation about it will heretofore be taken as an act of war or at least slap-fighting.  Seriously, don’t ask me if I think this years’ version of Clay Aiken was robbed in the voting, or you may be subjected to the “why are you hitting yourself” routine.  Listen closely: I DON’T CARE.    Now it’s almost 6PM.  Where are my pants?  I have work to do...

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com. 

... if you joke at a Garden Party, I wish you a lot of luck ...

I flew the Red Eye flight from LA last night.  They should rename it the “Pretend To Be Asleep And Repeatedly Cut One” flight.  

Chrysler and the EPA are trying to adapt an engine technology to improve gas mileage in minivans.  No word on whether the improved minivans will still require the buyer to hand in his testicles.

A new study say that genetics appear to play a role in heavy drinking by teenagers.  Asked about the study, 84% of teenagers said the study was “Stupid, man.  Booooring.  Shut up and let me live my life!”  They then slammed the door and were heard screaming “I hate you!  I hate you!  I wish I’d never been polled!!!”

NFL QB Vince Young said that he plans to compete to be a starter in the league again.  Young then cried and asked for his binky.

China has agreed to buy $45 billion in U.S. products.  So after the defectives are recalled and all of the lawsuits, this deal will only cost us about $70 billion.  OR  In return, President Obama allowed them to keep their Ancient Chinese laundry secrets just a little longer.

The final numbers are in, and 2010 is the second worst year ever for home construction, trailing only the Great Mud Shortage of 8 B.C.  (Which Keith Olbermann also blames on George Bush)

Venezuela says it is the nation with the largest proven crude oil reserves in the world, with Saudi Arabia now second.  A surprising third?  The hair of the cast of Jersey Shore.

Anne Hathaway will play Catwoman in the new Batman movie.  Now creepy guys won’t have to feel so bad fantasizing about her, like they did when she was in The Princess Diaries.

Legendary comedian George Burns was born this day in 1896.  Even dead, he’s funnier than half of network television.  OR Burns was also the inspiration for one of my favorite “Failed First Drafts:” “Say Goodnight Gracie.” “No, YOU say it, you prick.”  RIP GiggleMaster.

Carol Moseley Braun says that Bill Clinton is betraying minorities.  Clinton responded by saying “That’s not true, just last week I specifically ordered three Asian hookers.”

An archaeological study has identified a 9,400 year old dog.  I think that’s a pretty mean thing to say about Janet Reno’s younger sister.

Scientists have discovered a new species of giant crayfish in Tennessee.  No one seems to want to mention that it was discovered less than a hundred yards from the Nashville Nuclear Power Plant.

Phil Mickelson has made his first trip to the MIddle East, to compete in the Dubai Classic.  Mickelson is expected to have the exact same amount of success promoting Middle East Peace as Hillary Clinton.

Thought For The Day: The meek shall inherit the crappy stuff the aggressive older brother doesn’t want.

Yes, I Said Trenta AND Flagon

I’ve realized that I can’t stand people who are unable to make themselves the butt of a joke.  Especially a joke about butts.  Man oh man, if 98% of us can’t joke about our butts

there is something seriously wrong; as a connoisseur of female behinds since 1982, I can tell you there are a lot of good ones out there.  However, as a comic who’s performed on ships for the better part of a decade, I can tell you there are a TON MORE of them out there that ... are ... well, let’s just say a Trenta sized flagon of Tequila couldn’t improve the view.  To prove my point about self-deprecating (which sounds like something that could make you go blind but really isn’t)(It’s a form of Turkish cheese)(I swear, look it up) I include myself in the latter group.  There are reasons I don’t wear certain types of swimwear, among those reasons are the fact that I respect my fellow human beings eyesight and it always crawls up to the Klingon Old Quarter, if you get my drift.  Anyway, lately I’ve been getting a lot of Twitter followers that seemingly don’t understand that it’s OK to not be the biggest, baddest Leroy Brown on the block; I’m experienced enough to know that the folks who act that tough are usually giant, wussy stinkfaces.  Just like me.  You, too.  Even those who have the nice butts, though they’re more fun to watch leave after they figure out you’re a stinkface.  Mmmm, mmm.  

As usual, see more of me including TV appearances & promo video at www.starspangledcomedy.com. 

... jokest man in the whole joke town ...

Robert Downey Jr said he thought Ricky Gervais mentioning his drug rehab was mean-spirited at the Golden Globes.  Especially when Gervais grew antlers and flew around the room in a purple polka-dot devil suit.  Trippy.

Japanese researchers plan to use cloning technology to resurrect the Woolly Mammoth in about five years.  So many Godzilla and/or Jurassic Park jokes....my head is spinning... OR Trust me, the Woolly Mammoth is alive and well in the town of "Winter Bikini Line, USA."

Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez are working on a memoir, tentatively titled “The Family Sheen: Two Out Of Three Aint Bad.”  OR Charlie Sheen is trying to remember where he left his pants.  OR Charlie Sheen is also writing a memoir called “Charlie And The Cacao Factory.  I mean Cocoa.  Yeah, Cocoa, that’s it...”

Regis Philbin is retiring from his show.  Dear Joy Behar:  hint, hint.

Steve Jobs has taken his second medical leave from Apple.  The Jester is taking credit for hacking Jobs’ lungs.

Jennifer Aniston has revealed that she never liked “The Rachel” haircut she made famous on Friends.  That’s OK Jen, we only liked that in polite company - we were usually looking at a WHOLE different part of you.

“The Kings Speech” received fourteen nominations in The British Academy Film Awards, including “Best Picture That Pseudo-Intellectual LA Douchebags In Porkpie Hats Will Pretend They Deeply Understand.”

Former American Idol contestant Alex Lambert says he is homeless.  In Twitter-speak, he needs to “Follow @RonJeremy.”  

A report says California faces the risk of a "superstorm” which could produce massive flooding and cause up to $400 billion in property damage.  Keep in mind that with the price of California real estate, that’s really only about eight houses.

A new study says that students aren’t learning much through their sophomore year in college, and blamed it on universities offering too many “easy” courses.  Yeah, I’m sure that it,s nothing to do with no parents, beer, and the opposite sex.  Nah.  OR I find that completely unbelievable; by the end of my sophomore year I knew I could have thirteen beers before I hurled, and I could tell immediately which chicks were hammered enough to sleep with me.  You know, important life skills.

Thought For The Day: Marriage vows wouldn't be so absolute if they were written by men. They'd include more terms like "mostly," and "pretty much always," and "except during the 4th quarter or the playoffs."