Letters From Algernon

It’s time once again for Stephen’s Mailbag, where I answer letters and emails from dedicated, imaginary fans!  Todays email comes from an excited fan who’s currently incarcerated at an undisclosed location:

“Dear Scumbag,

If I ever get out of here, you will learn a new meaning for the word pain.  You might even learn a new meaning for the word erudite, I mean I guess anything’s possible, right?  Oh, so what, now you think you’re smarter than me?  You want a piece of me?  You think I can’t get to you from in here?  Just who the hell do you think you are?” (Violent Series Of Graphic, Vomit-Inducing Threats Involving Steel Pegs, Acid-Covered Bubble Wrap, And Live Woodchucks Blacked Out By Authorities)

Cordially,

(Blacked Out By Authorities)

Woh, woh, woh there Captain Negative!  One question; the rule for Stephen’s Mailbag is ONE question!  Seems you got a little overzealous with the quill and inkwell LOL!  Anyway, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I really only have time to answer one of those queries.  Thank you for your loyal readership, and you are correct: Anything IS possible!  With that attitude we can all improve our lives on a daily basis, and make the world a better place for children (which from what the authorities told me about you is a subject near and dear to your heart).  I try to add more to the woodpile than I take away each day, and I can see you’re of a like mind.  So I guess what I’m saying is shoot for the stars, dream it and do it, butterfly!

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joke like me, they long to be, close to you ...

Statistics say that thousands of ER visits are caused each year by snow shoveling accidents.  Hollywoods A-list was initially concerned, but then realized that snowy winter stuff happens during self-indulgent awards season, so they really don’t give a crap.

A marauding monkey that terrorized Japan last year by biting nearly 120 people has escaped captivity.  Authorities say the monkey fooled zoo guards by crafting a fake head out of banana skins to put on the pillow in its cage, hiring another monkey to throw poop and make screeching masturbatory noises at the appropriate times, then fashioning a raft from raincoats and plastic Godzilla toys dropped near its cage and riding them through the sewer tunnels.

In an expression of concern over uncultured manners, China has mandated that all schoolchildren undergo lessons on etiquette.  In a similar move, U.S. public high schools have mandated that all pregnant students wearing bare midriff shirts and miniskirts must wear some form of underwear at least twice a week.  You know, to show class.

EZ Lube has announced they will hire 200 people in Southern California this week.  Misreading the notice, nearly 500 wannabe porn actresses have already lined up to “interview.”

McDonalds says it expects a price increase this year in the commodities they use in 75% of their food preparation.  So hang onto your Dow Chemical stock, it’s going up, baybee!!!!

Radio Shack says Chairman and CEO Julian Day will retire in May after five years at the helm.  Day said he enjoyed his time with the company, but couldn’t take them constantly asking for his mailing address while buying an iPhone cover.

Christina Aguilera will sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl in Dallas.  In a competing move, Britney Spears will have drunken sex at a pre-game parking lot tailgate party and release the cellphone video at halftime.

Analysts say that when President Obama delivers his second State of the Union address, ambience and style will trump substance.  In other words, don’t look now but it’s election season again.

A court in Illinois ruled Monday that Rahm Emanuel is ineligible to run for mayor of Chicago in next month's election.  Emanuel’s camp said their response would be handled by the law firm of Luka, Brazzi, & Corleone.

A new study repots there are eight good health reasons to drink coffee.  I’d say you really only need one reason: if I get to drink my coffee there’s less of a chance that I’ll punch you for no apparent reason.  OR Lucy Van Pelt says there are really only five reasons; (closing fingers one by one to make fist) 1-2-3-4-5.  Her brother Linus remarks that “Those are good reasons.”

After the loss in yesterday’s AFC Championship Game, Jets coach Rex Ryan was disappointed.  Ryan said before beginning preparations for next season he was planning to go home, put his wife’s feet up, and relax for awhile.

J.C. Penney is closing some stores, outlets and call center locations in an effort to streamline operations and boost profits.  This will affect bullies nationwide, as there will be fewer goofy kids wearing Toughskins jeans on the playground to harass.

A Yahoo poll asked readers what they wanted from the State Of The Union Address Tuesday night.  53% said they wanted President Obama to focus on jobs and the economy, 40% want The President to talk more about defense and security, and 7% said it would be the coolest State Of The Union EVER if he worked in the word “nipple” just once.

Peru said on Monday it had recognized a Palestinian state.  Peru later said it could have been mistaken, as it only saw the State from the back and “I guess it could have been my cousin Terry.”