Thursday, January 6, 2011

LiLo And The Parliament Funkadelic

Lately I’ve been having trouble writing these blog openings.  This time of year can send me into a funk, and not the good kind where George Clinton shows up and everyone is good looking and can dance and doesn’t seem to notice that Jeremy Piven is a 35 year old college student.  (That’s a PCU reference.  Top that, John Stewart)  No, I mean the kind of funk that stems from being the only one left who wants to bake goodies at frantic Christmas levels.  This funk doesn’t affect the jokes themselves, because the news rolls on.  Celebrities and politicians are year-round idiots, and it’s simply a matter of working their name into a sentence with the word “booger.”  No, it’s only this opening part that’s troublesome, because the end of the holidays makes me a little sad.  Now, my usual solution to any emotional problem is to remove my pants in a public setting, but we spent too much on Christmas this year and I can’t afford the bail.  After the horror of yesterdays travel, I could try to make myself feel better by writing “Spirit Airlines is a giant, flaming ball of lizard turds and I hope they all catch diphtheria and dropsy” on a blackboard 500 times, but I doubt that would work.  I’m not sure what to do to get out of this funk, but if you have a suggestion email it to me at along with a nude photo.  That’s just the dog in me, baby.  Bow wow wow yippee oh yippee yay.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, promo video and schedule at
... joke yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again ...
Hugh Hefner’s 24-year-old fiancee said in a recent interview that she “doesn’t notice the age difference.”  She also doesn’t notice the difference between your and you’re, football and orange juice, and Chrysler and a Zagnut bar.  OR  Now we know what Hef sees in her - completely hot AND dumber than a box of socks.  
The Cleveland Browns announced they are searching for a head coach “Who will lead us to a championship.”  No word on whether God Himself is interested in the position.
New information says male pattern baldness may be connected to a deficiency in certain stem cells.  In a completely no-really unrelated story, half of the U.S. Senate now wants to federally fund stem cell research at Defense Budget levels.
The annual Consumer Electronics Show is this week, with thousands of computer enthusiasts descending upon Las Vegas.  Sadly, even Las Vegas hookers only like these guys “as a friend.”
Dr Drew says he wants to have Lindsay Lohan as a guest on his TV show.  Unfortunately Lindsay is already booked for the next season of “Rock Of Love.”  OR  Lohan reportedly turned down the offer, as she’s starting production on her own reality show “So You Think You Have Hepatitis?”
The owners of a Texas transportation company were sentenced to prison for smuggling dozens of illegal aliens from Houston to New York every month.  I ask you, how else are the Mets supposed to find decent pitching?
John Edwards is reportedly not named in Elizabeth’s will.  However, attorneys are investigating several references in the document to an otherwise unnamed “Philandering Dickface.”  
Analysts say Canada’s economy will slow in 2011. As is their custom, Canada apologized, drank a Molson, ate a plate of poutine and went to bed.
Helen Thomas has returned to journalism.  The longtime White House reporter has a weekly column in a new online magazine called “Imnotantisemiticimjustcrazy”
Some say Jets coach Rex Ryan keeps putting his feet in his mouth.  Every time it’s said, Ryan chubs up a little.

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