Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Verizon And A Virus

I apologize for the delay in this latest blog, I know you’ve been waiting.  It’s been a crazy week.  The biggest thing is that I’m waiting for someone to get back to me about a business idea.  A show business idea.  A big show business idea that involves a great deal of risk on my part.  Also a little Chutes-And-Ladders and a bit of Uno, but that’s not important right now.  The point is that when something this important is happening, it’s tough to remember that it’s not as life-alteringly important to others as it is to you.  It’s tough not to cal them and yell “HEY!!!  HEY YOU!!!  MAKE A DECISION ONE WAY OR THE OTHER OR I’LL PUNCH YOU IN THE SPLEEN AND FORCE YOU TO WATCH ‘DHARMA AND GREG’ UNTIL YOUR IQ DROPS BELOW TWENTY AND YOU SCREAM AT SNAILS!”  You know what I mean?  Of course you do.  Anyway, I know it’s out of my hands and I’ve done all that I can do, but I’m still going a little squirrelly.  More than a tad wombatish, too.  Oh, and I think Ringo Starr should be hauled in for causing the Tate-LaBianca murders.  If you get my drift.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, promo video and schedule at
... here’s the joke libel ...
Ted Williams, the homeless man with the golden voice, has checked into drug rehab.  Man, that guy “went Hollywood” fast.
Oprah Winfrey said the box-office failure of "Beloved" sent her into what she calls a "macaroni-and-cheese-eating tailspin."  She also said the success of the OWN network has sent her into what she calls a “macaroni-and-cheese eating celebration!”
A jogger in Florida won't be charged for shooting and killing a teenager who attacked him during a midnight run.  So I’m off to go “jogging” at the mall.  Then over to the movie theater.  Then the ammo store and on to Dairy Queen.
The Obama administration has said it wants to step up efforts to cut down on obesity in The United States.  The Society Of Dumpy Guys Who Always Get The Hot Chicks’ Fat Friend is vehemently opposed.
A new study says the annual cost of obesity in The United States is approaching $300 million.  That is a TON of Kit Kats.
John Mellencamp is getting a divorce after eighteen years.  No word yet on who gets the little pink house.
The premiere of the third season of Jersey Shore drew over eight million viewers.  The Situation was thrilled, saying “Man, that’s like...a couple hundred people!”
This Week In History: The first ever meeting of The United Nations happened this week in 1946.  Thus, the era of self-important white guys having pointless meetings that accomplish nothing was begun.
California wildlife officials are trying to figure out what caused the death of more than 100 birds found clustered together just off Highway 101.  Being in California, the possibility of it being a religious cult event cannot be discounted.
A new study says ATM's are as filthy as public toilets. That's why I just pee, get my $20, and walk right out without touching anything.  Not even a receipt.
Illinois Governor Pat Quinn said he would quickly sign a massive increase in state income taxes.  You know, since the tax increases the President wanted were so wildly popular.
One year ago today was the horrible earthquake in Haiti.  To mark the anniversary, Sean Penn challenged everyone else in America to a fistfight.
Verizon now has the iPhone.  So pompous Verizon subscribers and snooty iPhone owners can combine forces into an Optimus Prime of arrogance.
A virus has killed millions of crickets that are raised to feed pet reptiles and zoo animals.  So the humane thing to do is start eating those Komodo Dragons before they starve to death.
The Mexican government said today there have been 34,612 drug-war related deaths in the past four years.  Oh and 2.3 million deaths that were “Not drug-war related at all, just kinda accidents ... you know.”
No LeBron; when that knee of yours gives out, THAT’S karma.
Thought For The Day: People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.  They probably shouldn’t masturbate much, either.


  1. I'd been waiting so long for this blog post to come out, that i've now grown old, retired, and become a perv in miami... the waitress keeps bringing me pears, and peaches, and i tell her i want something i can sink my teeth into, she gives me the look.

    I happen to own a glass house, so i didn't take kindly to that last joke. You know how much windex i go through cleaning off the ... ok, well let me tell ya about Miami.

    I tweet at @Samuel_Clemons

  2. Folks, Sam has an incredible grasp of the English language for a ferret. You can follow his funny ramblings at Bring a raincoat and remember, those aren't raisins.

  3. The Two Culprits on the bottom...? yea, below, scroll down. Those happen to be my next door neighbors, and they owe me 5 bucks.. So I don't care what they've done, they are innocent. Until they pay me, in which case, you can lock them up with my Uncle Freddie - he paid me already.

    I'm running out of windex, gotta run to market.