A Collection Better Than Stamps But Not As Good As Locks Of Hair

Not a new blog, just a collection of a few of my recent favorites from the TV Clean category.  Hey, if you want a new blog every day, pay me.  No really, hire me on staff and pay me.  $2,000,000 per year and I'll do the daily giggle thing in your living room if you want.  If you ask politely and in proper English, I may even wear pants.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...and now, The Far Side Calendar 1987 (Name Copyright Pending)...

A Los Angeles couple was arrested on charges of arranging more than twenty fake marriages. Amazingly, only twelve of those marriages involved Larry King.

A recent study shows that male mice exposed to the chemical BPA - commonly found in canned food - tended to act more like females.  So mothers, if you see your son wearing Capri pants, cut back on the canned soup.  OR Apparently enough BPA can make males buy irrational amounts of shoes.

Luxury jeweler Bulgari has been purchased in a $5.19 billion deal.  From the prices I’ve seen, that’ll buy about six of their watches.

Consumer Reports Magazine release a poll saying that 63% of drivers under the age of thirty admitted to driving while being on the phone.  As for the other 37%, pollsters just kept getting a busy signal.

A new study says Hawaii is the happiest state in the Union.  The least happy?  Whatever state you return to after vacationing in Hawaii.

The Massachusetts Department of Education found large amounts of food more than six months past its expiration date in public school cafeterias.  The main problem appears to be that  the lunchrooms are run by public school graduates, who simply couldn’t read the dates.

The FBI announced recently that Friday is the most popular day for bank robberies. Immediately afterwards, bank tellers everywhere programmed their smartphones with the reminder “Call off sick Friday.”

City Council members in NYC announced they’re considering a ban of fast food toys.  Good.  Now the city’s completely safe.

Billy Joel has cancelled the memoir he was planning to write.  Apparently his ghost writer Davey is still in the Navy and probably will be for life.

Scientists say that a study using deep-water cameras has revealed how and where tiny ocean animals called Krill have sex.  The study also reveals that apparently, a lot of  scientists need to get a girlfriend.  

Drink Up Chuck And Di ... And Mel

Sheen’s kids are getting $55,000 a month in child support.  Man, I sure wish MY Dad had been a batshit crazy coke fiend.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...jokes from the really big shoe....

At the "Egalia" preschool, staff avoid using gender-specific words like "him" or "her" and address the thirty-three kids as "friends" rather than girls and boys.  MGM Resorts in Las Vegas has installed these kids as the early favorites for “Serial Killers Of The Year” in 2029.  OR Ladies and gentlemen, your next cast of “Hair!”

Scientists this week discovered a species of “inflatable” shark near the ocean floor.  Amazingly, there are already fifteen adult websites using this as a sexual fetish.

Attorneys say that Mel Gibsons divorce is nearly complete.  Just a few more t’s to cross and eyes to punch.

A Senate panel voted to OK continued US military operations in Libya today.  Asking for anonymity, one Senator said “Hey, anything to distract people from finding all of our tweeted penis pictures.”

A tax standoff in Congress has blocked any progress towards resolving the US debt crisis.  Apparently, Democrats and Republicans can’t agree on whether or not to allow the middle class to lube up first.

A recent study shows that male mice exposed to the chemical BPA - commonly found in canned food - tended to act more like females.  Apparently enough BPA can make males buy irrational amounts of shoes.  Hey, perhaps “too much BPA” explains all of those men in Capri pants?

Newsweek has published a computer generated image of what they believe Princess Di would have been like today at age fifty.  The verdict: Still out of Chuck’s league, and wondering why he married a trotter after her death.

Paul Revere And The World's Most Famous Rack

Seriously Hollywood, that’s the best crap you can put on TV?

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...joke me to the moon...

Hundreds of marchers rallied in Chicago and Los Angeles on Saturday for the "SlutWalk" movement aimed at dispelling the notion that a sexual assault victim's provocative dress could be responsible for an attack.  Ironically, most of the protesters hooked up that night, and could be seen doing the strikingly similar “Walk Of Shame” Sunday morning.

Protesters in Yemen danced, sang and slaughtered cows in a central square celebration this week.  Next week, fans in either Dallas or Miami will upstage them by overturning cars and looting electronics to celebrate their team winning the NBA title.  Yemeni’s are amateurs.

Seismologists in Italy are currently on trial for manslaughter, from not predicting an earthquake in 2009.  Hollywood is watching this trial closely, as it could set a precedent for suing the people who booked Kirstie Alley on Dancing With The Stars.

A new study shows that the bank who historically do the most Congressional lobbying received the biggest bailouts during the financial crisis.  In other shocking news that no one could possibly have anticipated, a professional athlete was arrested for something stupid, and the sun rose in the east.

Sarah Palin insists she “didn’t mess up” the story of Paul Revere recently.  She went on to say that his famous ride happened “Right after he drafted The Star Spangled Banner.”  OR Hearing this, Oliver Stone said “Yeah, and  ‘JFK‘ was historically accurate, too.”  OR  In a related story,  LeBron James insists that there was no premature celebration in Game 2, and that’s he not a selfish, spoiled bitch.

Dolly Parton has opened a dinner theater show called “Pirates Voyage” in South Carolina.  This will be the first time audience members at a Dolly Parton show will be concentrating on the Booty.

Officials in Germany say that beansprouts are likely the cause of the recent E-Coli outbreak.  Reason #2,000,006 why sprouts and health food suck.