Friday, December 10, 2010

Noggin' It Up

I left some egg nog in the fridge before I left.  It was Southern Comfort brand, Vanilla Spice flavor, which utterly rocks if you put a little cinnamon and nutmeg in it.  Anyway, I mention it because I’ll get back form this road trip just before Christmas, as the end of egg nog season gets underway.  I plan to stock up when it goes on sale, and learn how to make it in the coming year.  For the next couple of weeks we’ll hear people asking “Why can’t we keep the Christmas spirit all year round?”  Well, I do just that - I always have a stash of Christmas music handy and listen to it whenever I want to feel happy, and I try to remember the lessons of Bedford Falls every day - and this year I’m adding a nog-ified feeling to my endeavors.  There are many times during the year when we need a little Christmas (right this very minute) and I believe sloshing some nog around in the belly can make it happen more easily.  Plus, I think nog is a cool word.  You can disagree all you like, I’ll simply put on my headphones and escape to a Winter Wonderland whenever I please.  I guess what I’m saying is if you break into my house, you can take anything you want except my family and my nog.  (The wife is negotiable)  Nog Nog Nog.
See more of me including nog-induced video and TV appearances at
... joking through the snow ...
US scientists have used stem cell technology to create mice from two fathers, an advance that could help same-sex couples have their own genetic children one day.  Of course, this assumes that gay couples will want children that look like mice.
British student protesters attacked a car carrying Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla, after lawmakers approved a controversial hike in university tuition fees.  This proves the British education system has failed, since the Royal Family has absolutely nothing to do with official governmental activities.
Statistics released this week say U.S. airlines carried 57.3 million passengers in September.  This means the TSA groped nearly 60 million boobs in that time ... which places them slightly off the pace set by Tiger Woods.
Recent statistics show that students in China beat their U.S. counterparts in math, reading, and science.  However, U.S. students lead by a wide margin in “copying off the Chinese kids paper.”  Work smarter, not harder.  OR  Students in the U.S. missed the announcement, because they were off getting laid.  OR  That’s OK though, their basketball team still sucks.
Good news: Chevron has announced they will invest $26 billion in 2011.  Bad news: $22.8 billion of that will be in “legal defense for more oil spills.”
Scientists say that a large microbe community may exist on the ocean floor.  In a related story, Dell has announce they’ve found an even cheaper place to outsource their call-center jobs.  OR  That’s fine, as long as they don’t start coming here and taking American jobs.
The WikiLeaks saga continues, as WikiLeaks supporters and companies accused of trying to stifle WikiLeaks launched attacks and counter-attacks across the web regarding WikiLeaks.  I don’t really have a joke about WikiLeaks here, I’m just hoping that if I type WikiLeaks on the page enough, my joke blog will get a bunch of publicity by being linked to WikiLeaks and being found on Google and Bing searches by people looking for WikiLeaks info or for WikiLeaks itself.  WikiLeaks.
A spokesman for the woman who allegedly received photos of Brett Favre’s penis says she won't sue the Vikings quarterback if he's punished by the NFL.  The NFL has suggested than as punishment, they may force Favre to come back in 2011 and play QB for The Cincinnati Bengals.  OR She suggested than an appropriate punishment is forcing Favre to look at pictures of Larry King’s penis.
The FAA is missing key ownership information on 119,000 private and commercial aircraft in the U.S., and the agency fears this could be exploited by terrorists and drug traffickers.  In an effort to help, the TSA promised to fondle and take blurry nude photographs of even more people flying home for the holidays.
A Burger King employee in Detroit argued with and punched a customer, who fell over and later died.  Once again proving that Burger King is not as good as McDonalds, whose customers die from simply eating their food.  
For the first time since World War II, German troops have been stationed in France.  For the ten millionth time since World War II, France has begun drawing up preliminary surrender papers.  OR The only remaining question is when will the French government be told?  
Newly released records reveal details on how U.S. intelligence officials used and protected some Nazi Gestapo agents after World War II, tracked Holocaust administrator Adolf Eichmann and relied on a suspected war criminal from Ukraine living in New York to try to disrupt the USSR, according to a report to Congress obtained by The Associated Press.  Sadly, the documents offer no insight into the success of Menudo, why Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett, or what the hell the finale of LOST was all about.
The California Highway Patrol says a big rig loaded with Christmas trees overturned and spilled on a Los Angeles highway.  The ACLU is already filing suit against the religious display being on public property.
President Obama has predicted that the tax bill will be passed by Congress.  That’s great, but let’s keep in mind this is the guy who predicted that the Cowboys would be in The Super Bowl.
The only U.S. flag not captured or lost during George Armstrong Custer's "Last Stand" at the Battle of Little Bighorn has been bought at auction on a bid of $1.9 million.  Unconfirmed reports say the flag was purchased by the BlackChips Indian tribe, who in a final act of Custer humiliation will give it away as the grand prize in next week’s slot tournament.
A&E has pulled the reality show “The Hasselhoff’s” from it’s schedule, and some are hailing it as a victory for intelligent TV programming.  I don’t know about that, after all C-Span and The View are still on the air.
The son of Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour has apologized for climbing atop a British war memorial during recent student demonstrations.  Gilmour said he had been listening to “The Wall” while eating pot brownies, and it seemed to make sense “to climb things.”
A man wielding a gun robbed a southern California Christmas tree lot.  Police say the man was short and bald, wearing a yellow shirt with a black zigzag pattern on it,and ran away with the biggest tree on the lot yelling “NOT THIS YEAR LUCY!!!  I AM NOT A BLOCKHEAD!!!!”
The top GM executive says that the automaker is being hindered by salary limits the government has clamped on executive pay.  Well, that and the shoddy cars, poor financial decisions, and incredible waste and fraud by their unions.  But mostly the pay caps.  Yeah, that’s it.
Miley Cyrus was caught on video smoking a bong recently at a party.  I’m not defending her, but I might get high to forget taking erotic pictures with my Dad, too.  

No comments:

Post a Comment