Did The Duke Play Cricket?

Montel Williams watch, Day Two.  Still no word from The Big Montel. (Unless he’s sending coded messages in all of those “Enlarge Your Manhood” emails I keep receiving, but I have to believe those are more likely to come from the Anthony Weiner Wikipedia page)  I can’t believe he’s pretending to ignore this.  Stop hiding, Montel, it’s only a matter of time before TMZ finds you.  

Now I need to figure out why the John Wayne Fan Page on Facebook keeps tagging me in high-heeled shoe ads.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joke scratch fever ...

The owner of computer company Acer said recently that tablet computers are nothing more than a fad.  He then hung up his rotary telephone, because he needed to warm up the picture tubes on his Philco to watch Lucy. (Happy Birthday, Lucy)

Rookie wide receiver AJ Green is reportedly making a huge impression in the Cincinnati Bengals training camp.  Coaches say he’s fitting right in with the veterans, as he’s already been arrested four times.

A new study says that overweight men with diabetes can improve their sex lives by losing weight.  I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure losing weight will improve the sex life of ANY man, diabetes or not.  OR  A similar study says that overweight women can improve their sex life by putting out more, and not asking to be called the next day.  Or ever.

Researchers say that public bicycle sharing schemes in large cities save lives and cut greenhouse gas emissions.  They also greatly increase the number of teenagers who have free bikes.

The US had its AAA credit rating lowered.  Now if the government wants to borrow money, it’ll have to lie about its income like the rest of us.

After the downgrade, President Obama made a statement saying that Washington DC “must do better.”  Well, good.  A statement.  That ought to take care of it.  Now if we could only get an exploratory committee formed to investigate the matter, then everything would be just peachy.

In Cricket news, Sri Lanka captain Tillakaratne Dilshan hit five sixes and twelve boundaries in his first Twenty20 century, leading the hosts to 198-3 against Australia.  If anyone has even the slightest clue what that means, please contact me, preferably via the George Peppard Wikipedia page.

Ralph Nader says there is “almost a 100% chance” of a Democratic Primary challenger to president Obama in 2012.  Of course, it’s possible that challenger may be Ralph Nader, in which case there’s “an exactly 100% chance” of President Obama winning the nomination.

China has told the US that the “good old days” of borrowing money are over.  They did so in an official government statement titled “No Tickee, No Loanee.”

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer wants to sell its top-selling heart drug Lipitor without a prescription.  In preparation, Pfizer has parked nearly $2 billion of windowless panel vans outside bowling alleys around the country.

John Kerry announced that he is planning to run for a sixth term in the U.S. Senate.  Washington insiders were shocked by the news, as most thought Kerry had died years ago.

Warren Jeffs believes he did nothing wrong and that his religious freedoms are being infringed upon.  Perhaps he’ll feel differently after a few weeks of role reversal in prison, when HE’S the twelve year old girl getting nailed.  Happy trails, pervo.

Sea Turtles And Crazy Tans

I mentioned recently that I’ve been receiving blog visitors referred from links in the Montel Williams Wikipedia site, and that this concerned me.  I want to make it clear that I have nothing against Montel Williams, Wikipedia, or their respective attorneys who have in no way contacted me with legal documents containing offers that I couldn’t refuse. (Nor would the fine firm of Luka, Brazzi & Corleone ever do such a thing! Ha ha! Ridiculous! I’m not nervous and sweaty!)  Anyway, Mr. Williams and Mr. Pedia are in no way the target of any of my whimsical barbs.  Just so that’s clear and concise, in a completely friendly and non-libelous way that allows my thumbs to remain intact.

I’m simply concerned about the referral links because A) With his page having a noticeable lack of flatulence references, I have no idea what we have in common that connects Montel & I, B) I can’t locate the actual link that is sending people to my joke blog, and C) ”Montel & I” sounds like an overly dramatic, poorly written indie film or after school special, involving some sort of family tension or rehab-induced self-awakening journey; the kind that makes aromatic people who are lounging in coffee shops at 10AM on a Tuesday have deep, earnest conversations about the importance of focusing your life.  With all that in mind, you can certainly understand why I’d want this investigated.  I mean, is my joke blog special, or are all joke blogs connected to random celebrity Wikipedia pages?  If so, why?  Does it have something to do with Global Warming, Tom Brady or possibly even the Chaos Theory?  Also, of all the celebrities out there, why Montel Williams?  Why not Ryan Seacrest or John Stewart, or even (dare I say it?) basketball legend Granville Waiters?  Would my personal celebrity link change if I made fewer gas jokes, and more about Barney Frank or Dancing With The Stars?  With so many legitimate and not at all random questions swirling, I put on my Detective hat and did some sleuthing. (I also put on my Detective socks and my Meter Maid pashmina, just FYI)

I tried the direct approach first, contacting Montel Williams directly.  His response was a rather predictable “I’m not THAT Montel Williams, he probably lives in Hollywood or something, now please stop calling my home.”  Stymied, I’ve resorted to the only remaining means of contacting The Big Montel, namely posting random Facebook updates and blogging about him, then heading off to drink beer and watch TV while hoping he notices. (I wonder if “Montel & I” will be nominated for a Daytime Emmy?)  Since I know all celebrities militantly monitor their social media pages, it’s only a matter of time before Montel sees this and invites me to his house, so we can discuss the matter over finger sandwiches and Bugles.  Perhaps even some of those cocktail wieners with the BBQ sauce.  At any rate, I’ve done all I can.  It’s out of my hands now.

If you have any other ideas on solving this mystery, please let me know either here or via Wikipedia.  Preferably through the William Shatner page.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joking along, singing a song ...

A new study suggests that at one time, Earth had two smaller moons that crashed together and formed one larger mass.  In a related story, TMZ is reporting that this is the exact same way Kirstie Alley was formed.

Meteorologists announced today that the current drought could extend into 2012.  They then said it could be over next week.  They then admitted they had no clue (because let’s face it, meteorology is about as exacting as sports handicapping and tarot cards) but enjoyed all the attention they get from female reporters whenever they make announcements.

The impact of a series of solar flares began arriving at Earth on Friday.  Most noticeably, John Boehner and George Hamilton are now so dark they may need to check the box for “African American” or at least “Pacific Islander” on their next census form.

Wikipedia says that it is losing contributors.  Of course, this was on the same Wikipedia page that said Brett Favre was really retired for good this time, so who knows if it’s true.  

A federal grand jury has indicted a Las Vegas man on charges he sent more than 27 million spam messages to Facebook users.  On the upside, he did manage to sell nearly two dozen pair of extremely tacky high-heeled shoes.  So there’s that.

The new Samsung Conquer 4G phone will be sold exclusively by Sprint.  In other words, no one will buy the new Samsung Conquer 4G phone.

Tiger Woods looked to be in top form in his return to golf, shooting a 68 on his first day back.  He looked to be in even better form that night, getting a 69 with a waitress at Perkins.

A badly injured sea turtle that underwent a year of rehabilitation and innovative surgeries was released by caretakers, who say they hope he finds a mate.  I’m sure he will; chicks dig scars.

A recently released study shows the twenty best places to protect marine mammals.  At the top of the list?  In the water.

Researchers for the first time have turned human skin cells into working brain cells.  The breakthrough gives hope to fat, stupid guys who could possibly be turned into fat, smart guys.

Scientists say they have developed a sensor that can accurately detect whether or not date-rape drugs are in a beverage.  Ladies, if you’re suspicious enough of this guy to chemically test your own drink, maybe you should just not drink it at all?  Perhaps just leave?  Maybe not date guys who drive windowless panel vans?  Just sayin’...

All The Old Unfamiliar Places

New joke blog coming soon.  I said soon.  Hey, you want them more often?  Then hire me or get off my back!  Besides, I'm currently wearing my CSI hat, attempting to figure out how I received 27 - yes TWENTY SEVEN - viewers this week referred by the Montel Williams Wikipedia site.  I wish I was making this up.  Perhaps it's due to our names being spelled alike and that we look so similar, I don't know.  Let me know if you have any ideas how this happened or would like to hire me as a staff writer hinthinthinthinthint.


Anyone have William Petersen's number?


EDIT: It could possibly be because you can rearrange the letters in "Montel Williams Stephen Thomas" to say "A Telepathises Hmm Mill Snot Own." (Props to Dave Barry)

Genco Olive Oil Co.

The NFL lockout is better than the Government debt stalemate.  Whiners though they are, at least the NFL is trying to decide how to divvy up and spend money that they will - at some point - actually do something to earn.

Off of my soapbox now.  Well, it’s not really a soapbox.  It’s more of a fresh produce crate, something that might have “Genco Olive Oil Co.” printed on the side.  Speaking of Genco Olive Oil Co, am I alone in thinking that every government around the world resembles that fabled company more and more?  Furthermore, does it seem to anyone else like Fredo and Fredo’s heretofore unknown illegitimate offspring are being put in charge?  I’m musing here, folks.  Musing and humming.  I like to hum when I muse, humming seems to have excellent musing viscosity.  So does ear hair fiddling, but I’m wandering off point.  My point is, it may be time to send the worldwide collection of Fredos on a fishing trip in Nevada.  Or we could simply ignore them, because A) The various Genco formulations throughout history have always done these type of things, B) People in power will continue to do these types of things for all eternity, it’s simply a fact of human nature, and C) Most of us are ready for some football.  Although I must admit, as long as the lockout extends, the Cleveland Browns are tied for first place; so I’m torn on when I want it to end.  Let’s settle this ... where’s Luka?

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... this is my brother, joke Hagan ...

Attorneys for Casey Anthony released a statement saying she will appeal her convictions on four charges of lying to detectives.  Psst .... Casey! ... Quit while you’re ahead!  

American Airlines is giving away a free seven night trip to Columbia.  As a special treat, the winner will be able to upgrade to First Class by swallowing twelve “special balloons.”

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony are splitting after seven years of marriage.  In gin-soaked hopes of catching J-Lo’s eye next, B-List actors and fat guys in middle management will begin doing situps tonight.  You know, because they’re only a couple hundred situps away from landing J-Lo.

A man has built his own million dollar Bugatti supercar, using his own hands, alone in his house.  Now that he has it, he won’t have to use his own hands, alone in his house, for anything else.  If you get my drift.

Some are claiming that an error in North Dakota’s founding document means that technically, it is not a state.  In a similar story, some are claiming that a series of errors over the past 103 years means that the Chicago Cubs are not really a professional baseball franchise.

A new study says that being the top ranking, alpha male baboon is a high stress job.  Possibly, but they also seem to get the loudest screeching baboon chicks with the giant red butts.  So, you know, everything evens out.

Scientists scouring the mountains of Borneo spotted a Rainbow Toad for the first time since 1924.  It turns out the toad was in Vegas all this time, running hot at the blackjack table.  No biggee.

Five women on the North Korean Womens World Cup team have failed a steroid test.  The five averaged 6’7” and 350 pounds, and shaved twice a day. The largest of the women, named Chuck, had a life sized tattoo of Barry Bonds’ head on her back.

FOUR BAD MUSEUM EXHIBITS

Rashes Through Time

Stuff From The Gutter

Slightly Burned Things

Intolerably Hot Rooms

Tiger Woods, Taco Bell, And Ted Knight

Dedicated, devoted, and rabid imaginary fans of mine often ask “Steve, what’s your version of The American Dream?  Is it wealth, or happiness?”  Invariably, I tell them “Yes.”  Currently my version of The American Dream is to live in a gated golf country club community, where there are multiple golf courses specifically to challenge my game, and the gate is up specifically to keep out people like me.  Yes, I want to live somewhere that people like me aren’t allowed.  I want to be the lowest-class member of a high-class establishment, and routinely embarrass myself at community functions, with wacky hijinks gone awry.  Or asunder.  Either way, I just know it won’t involve pants.  That’s my dream.  (Well, that’s the part I can tell you with my wife listening in, anyway) To that end, I’ve decided to take a page out of the playbook of the US Government: I’m offering a $100,000 cash reward to the first person who gives me $5,000,000.  Think it over America, this Bushwood offer won’t last long.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... one, two, three o’clock, four o’clock joke ...

South Sudan officially broke away from Sudan and became the world's newest nation early Saturday.  Hours later, President Obama issued a statement welcoming the new country to the brotherhood of nations, and asking if we could borrow some cash.

BP says it wants future claims against oil spills to be limited with a cap on dollar amounts.  In a similar story, Tiger Woods says he wants future infidelity claims to be limited to only being hit in the face with Nerf bats.

The June jobs report has been called “dismal,” “grim,” and “flat.”  Sounds exactly like my junior prom date.

The European strand of E Coli has been confirmed as the cause of death in an Arizona case.  Man, we are outsourcing EVERYTHING.

In southern Israel, archaeologists are piecing together the history of a people remembered chiefly as the bad guys of the Hebrew Bible.  As it turns out, the bad guys were left alone at home a lot as children, and all of their killing and pillaging was simply a cry for attention.

A majority of both men and women agree that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster.  They also say that a fake profile picture gets you into bed even faster than that.  Throw in a big lie about your income and some tequila, and “it’s like a freakin’ porno.”

NASA is deciding between two potential places to send the Mars Rover on its next mission.  The first spot is near a large mountain potentially hiding an ice field on the Red Planet.  The second, surprising spot is in the bushes outside Jennifer Anistons’ bedroom.

An Arizona restaurant has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in its tacos.  They instead decided to keep pace with Taco Bell and continue offering the three basics: bat, cat & rat.

A TSA agent has been caught stealing over $50,000 worth of electronics from passengers.  Man, who could have seen that coming? Oh that’s right, everybody.

Women across the country are joining “Naked Yoga” classes, saying that it stretches and makes healthy both your body and your self-esteem.  Men across the country are also joining Naked Yoga classes, because ... well, because they’re filled with naked women.  Naked women stretching and bending and stretching and bending.  Duh.

Former president Bill Clinton came to Washington DC to give a speech on how to spur job growth.  Actually, he came to DC because there’s a Cheerleading Convention in town, but quickly whipped up the job growth speech when he saw everyone looking at him.

Hoffa, Huffing, And Hefers

I picked up over 6,600 frequent flyer miles this week.  Sadly, they’re in the Delta Sky Pesos program, so I still need 45,000,000,000 more to get a free one way flight.  Maybe I can apply for a federal miles grant?  Maybe I can fly back home via Saturn and pick those miles up for an extra $100?  Maybe there’s an open staff writing position at a late night talk show or sitcom that’s perfect for me and I’m willing to bribe someone to get?  Hello?  Don’t underestimate the level of bribe I’m talking about here...

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... Jokes are currently in the upright and locked position ...

Tiger Woods plans to skip The British Open, saying that his leg needs more time to heal, and that he thinks “British chicks aren’t all that hot.”

Lula Cora Hood, who disappeared in 1970, has been found alive and living in Florida after forty one years.  This, coupled with the death of Osama Bin Laden, means that Jimmy Hoffa will soon be crowned world Hide-And-Seek Champion.

An investigation has discovered the award-winning gains by Atlanta students were based on widespread cheating by 178 named teachers and principals.  The eighty-two who confessed have already been offered positions as Congressional Lobbyists.

A proposal to build a casino near the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg, PA has sparked a debate in the town.  Locals say they haven’t seen Gettysburg this divided since...well, since they don’t know when.

A murder mystery dating back to 1879 has been finally resolved after a skull unearthed in BBC legend David Attenborough's garden was formally recognized as that of a woman murdered by her maid 132 years ago.  Since he was the reporter who first broke the story back then, Larry King was permitted to announce todays’ news on BBC airwaves.

According to sources, Brett Favre may be considering another comeback.  Favre is apparently exploring his options by contacting front offices of Super Bowl contending teams, and texting pictures of his man-junk to female sports reporters everywhere.

CNN has cancelled Eliot Spitzer’s evening show.  The announcement drew surprise from around the news community, with many asking “When did Eliot Spitzer get a show on CNN?”

People with chronic pain who aren't getting enough relief from medications may be able to ease their pain by smoking small amounts of marijuana, a new study suggests.  Lead researchers on the study scheduled a press conference for 2PM but slept through it.  They were later spotted shirtless and giggling at Denny’s with nine empty Lumberjack Slam plates on their table.

The California Legislature passed a bill requiring public schools to teach “Gay History” in the classroom.  I have no problem with this, but isn’t that why we already have TCM’s “Month of Musicals” series?

A study shows that chess experts use their brain differently than amateur players.  The biggest difference?  Better chess moves.

The fossil of a car sized mega-wombat has been unearthed in northern Australia.  Scientists have already named the fossil “Kirstie.”

THREE BAD HOLIDAY TRADITIONS

-Naked Sleigh Ride.

-Person with small end of wishbone spends remainder of Thanksgiving in Octopus tank.

-Kitties hung by the chimney with care.

Scorpions, Sheen And 70's Shows

Sometimes I sprinkle things into the blog that I’ve already said.  For you, finding them is kind of like an Easter Egg Hunt, except without eggs and there are no prizes or creepy six foot tall multi-colored rabbits making kids scream and cry.  On a completely related note, did you know I’m on LinkedIn? Yeah, if you click HERE you’ll see I’m not lying (and you can send me a LinkedIn network request).  Why would I lie about this?  What kind of sicko would lie about something like this?  Who do you normally hang around?  You’re freaks.  Sick, twisted freaks.  Which explains a lot, actually.  Now go find those eggs before they go bad and I’m forced to hard boil them and donate them to the local pantry.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke...

A man passed through TSA security and took a flight from New York to Los Angeles yesterday with an expired boarding pass that wasn’t even in his name.  A TSA spokesman said that despite the massive security breach there was never any real danger to the plane though, as they did manage to take away his nosehair tweezers and a four ounce tube of toothpaste.

US scientists have used stem cell technology to create mice from two fathers, an advance that could help same-sex couples have their own genetic children one day.  Of course, this assumes that gay couples will want children that look like mice.

Supporters of Texas Governor Rick Perry say they want some space at the upcoming Iowa straw poll.  They also say for their straws, they want some of those awesome curly Mickey Mouse ones that go around your hat.

A man from Nantucket was freed recently on charges of kidnapping in Haiti.  However, he still faces possible arrest and extradition for grossly exaggerating the length of certain male body parts.

A passenger was stung by a scorpion on a recent Alaska Airlines flight.  The man said it was actually not as painful as the TSA search at check-in security.  OR Airline representatives apologized, but said it wouldn’t have happened if he’d just paid the $25 “No Scorpions” fee.

China opened the worlds longest overwater bridge. Something something something ... it’s Chinese so they’ll want to cross it again in an hour ... something something something Charlie Sheen. (Note to self: finish joke before adding to blog)

Former “Three’s Company” star Joyce DeWitt made her New York stage debut this week.  Critics have been giving solid reviews to the show, “Don’t Let Mr Furley See This Kitten.”

An American scuba diver was left behind on The Great Barrier Reef by an Australian tour company.  A tour spokesman said that apparently the boat captain had had just about enough of the divers’ stupid “Bloomin’ Onion” comments.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is considering stepping down later this year.  Between the sputtering economy and that damn Turbo Tax, it’s getting to be too big a job for one man.

THREE BAD WINE REVIEWS

-Smoky, with a hint of horse fart.

-Made me wistful for the week I had malaria.

-HULK SMASH!!!

A Collection Better Than Stamps But Not As Good As Locks Of Hair

Not a new blog, just a collection of a few of my recent favorites from the TV Clean category.  Hey, if you want a new blog every day, pay me.  No really, hire me on staff and pay me.  $2,000,000 per year and I'll do the daily giggle thing in your living room if you want.  If you ask politely and in proper English, I may even wear pants.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...and now, The Far Side Calendar 1987 (Name Copyright Pending)...

A Los Angeles couple was arrested on charges of arranging more than twenty fake marriages. Amazingly, only twelve of those marriages involved Larry King.

A recent study shows that male mice exposed to the chemical BPA - commonly found in canned food - tended to act more like females.  So mothers, if you see your son wearing Capri pants, cut back on the canned soup.  OR Apparently enough BPA can make males buy irrational amounts of shoes.

Luxury jeweler Bulgari has been purchased in a $5.19 billion deal.  From the prices I’ve seen, that’ll buy about six of their watches.

Consumer Reports Magazine release a poll saying that 63% of drivers under the age of thirty admitted to driving while being on the phone.  As for the other 37%, pollsters just kept getting a busy signal.

A new study says Hawaii is the happiest state in the Union.  The least happy?  Whatever state you return to after vacationing in Hawaii.

The Massachusetts Department of Education found large amounts of food more than six months past its expiration date in public school cafeterias.  The main problem appears to be that  the lunchrooms are run by public school graduates, who simply couldn’t read the dates.

The FBI announced recently that Friday is the most popular day for bank robberies. Immediately afterwards, bank tellers everywhere programmed their smartphones with the reminder “Call off sick Friday.”

City Council members in NYC announced they’re considering a ban of fast food toys.  Good.  Now the city’s completely safe.

Billy Joel has cancelled the memoir he was planning to write.  Apparently his ghost writer Davey is still in the Navy and probably will be for life.

Scientists say that a study using deep-water cameras has revealed how and where tiny ocean animals called Krill have sex.  The study also reveals that apparently, a lot of  scientists need to get a girlfriend.  

Drink Up Chuck And Di ... And Mel

Sheen’s kids are getting $55,000 a month in child support.  Man, I sure wish MY Dad had been a batshit crazy coke fiend.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...jokes from the really big shoe....

At the "Egalia" preschool, staff avoid using gender-specific words like "him" or "her" and address the thirty-three kids as "friends" rather than girls and boys.  MGM Resorts in Las Vegas has installed these kids as the early favorites for “Serial Killers Of The Year” in 2029.  OR Ladies and gentlemen, your next cast of “Hair!”

Scientists this week discovered a species of “inflatable” shark near the ocean floor.  Amazingly, there are already fifteen adult websites using this as a sexual fetish.

Attorneys say that Mel Gibsons divorce is nearly complete.  Just a few more t’s to cross and eyes to punch.

A Senate panel voted to OK continued US military operations in Libya today.  Asking for anonymity, one Senator said “Hey, anything to distract people from finding all of our tweeted penis pictures.”

A tax standoff in Congress has blocked any progress towards resolving the US debt crisis.  Apparently, Democrats and Republicans can’t agree on whether or not to allow the middle class to lube up first.

A recent study shows that male mice exposed to the chemical BPA - commonly found in canned food - tended to act more like females.  Apparently enough BPA can make males buy irrational amounts of shoes.  Hey, perhaps “too much BPA” explains all of those men in Capri pants?

Newsweek has published a computer generated image of what they believe Princess Di would have been like today at age fifty.  The verdict: Still out of Chuck’s league, and wondering why he married a trotter after her death.

Paul Revere And The World's Most Famous Rack

Seriously Hollywood, that’s the best crap you can put on TV?

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...joke me to the moon...

Hundreds of marchers rallied in Chicago and Los Angeles on Saturday for the "SlutWalk" movement aimed at dispelling the notion that a sexual assault victim's provocative dress could be responsible for an attack.  Ironically, most of the protesters hooked up that night, and could be seen doing the strikingly similar “Walk Of Shame” Sunday morning.

Protesters in Yemen danced, sang and slaughtered cows in a central square celebration this week.  Next week, fans in either Dallas or Miami will upstage them by overturning cars and looting electronics to celebrate their team winning the NBA title.  Yemeni’s are amateurs.

Seismologists in Italy are currently on trial for manslaughter, from not predicting an earthquake in 2009.  Hollywood is watching this trial closely, as it could set a precedent for suing the people who booked Kirstie Alley on Dancing With The Stars.

A new study shows that the bank who historically do the most Congressional lobbying received the biggest bailouts during the financial crisis.  In other shocking news that no one could possibly have anticipated, a professional athlete was arrested for something stupid, and the sun rose in the east.

Sarah Palin insists she “didn’t mess up” the story of Paul Revere recently.  She went on to say that his famous ride happened “Right after he drafted The Star Spangled Banner.”  OR Hearing this, Oliver Stone said “Yeah, and  ‘JFK‘ was historically accurate, too.”  OR  In a related story,  LeBron James insists that there was no premature celebration in Game 2, and that’s he not a selfish, spoiled bitch.

Dolly Parton has opened a dinner theater show called “Pirates Voyage” in South Carolina.  This will be the first time audience members at a Dolly Parton show will be concentrating on the Booty.

Officials in Germany say that beansprouts are likely the cause of the recent E-Coli outbreak.  Reason #2,000,006 why sprouts and health food suck.