Jerusalem Ties

Today we’re featuring jokes. With a side of snark.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...What would we joke, baby, without us?

A Los Angeles couple was arrested on charges of arranging more than twenty fake marriages. Amazingly, only twelve of those marriages involved Larry King.

A new study says young children may make parents less physically fit. On the other hand, they tremendously increase their parents knowledge of Disney song lyrics.

A Philadelphia weight-loss doctor is facing indecent assault charges after he told a female patient that having sex with him would help her lose unwanted pounds.  What a stupid doctor; had he done it in a bar it would have been totally legal and probably would have worked. Location, location, location.

A Milwaukee couple discovered explosives in the wall of their home during a do-it-yourself repair project. Could have been worse, they could have discovered more photos of Brett Favre’s penis.

A Community College construction chief received a salary of $211,000 plus benefits. Students are outraged, with one saying “Do you know how many smoking lounge ashtrays we could have bought with that?”

Investigators are exploring the collision between an Air France jet and a smaller plane on JFK’s runway. It’s the first time anyone can remember a French jet not surrendering its territory.

A man in Jerusalem claims to have found two of the nails used to crucify Jesus Christ. Critics say it would be more believable if it was on an episode of “Hoarders.”

An Applebees restaurant accidentally served alcohol to a toddler. No one knew until later that night, when the parents found the child in his room listening to George Thorogood at full volume and giving the “devil horns” fingers.

The only penis museum in the world is located in Iceland. Iceland was chosen because its frigid temperatures helped the museum save over half of its original proposed space.

Crack, Cuervo & The Cavs

A random observation to open today’s blog: 

When someone tells me they hid something in plain sight, I just assume the person they’re hiding it from is an unobservant idiot.  Also probably easy to beat at Hide-N-Seek.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...Monday, Tuesday, jokey-days...

Ke$ha says she wants to skinny dip with Britney Spears. At least now we know where that black cobra was trying to go.

A Chilean man has eighty-two tattoos of Julia Roberts on his body.  He previously had ninety-six, but after seeing “Eat Love Pray” he said “I had to do SOMETHING.”

A man convicted of murdering a motivational speaker was sentenced to prison yesterday in NYC.  In his defense, he was only taking the speaker’s words “Plan It And DO It!” and putting them into action.

Southwest Airlines found crack in five of their older planes and grounded them. Mercedes Benz announced a safety recall on over 130,000 of their M-Class vehicles. The overlap between the two safety issues is expected to be nearly zero.

A United Airlines pilot pleaded not guilty to flying drunk in federal court this week.  He went on to say that maybe if his bosses didn’t bitch at him all the time he wouldn’t HAVE to drink so much.

Despite a blowout that sank one of its rigs and caused a huge oil spill, Transocean Ltd described 2010 as its "best year in safety."  In a similar story, the Cleveland Cavaliers have described 2011 as their “best year in the NBA.” OR In a similar story, Lindsay Lohan described 2011 as her “best year in rehab.”  

Researchers announced that seeing a milkshake can activate the same areas of the brain that light up when an addict sees cocaine.  Consequently, the FBI slapped Kelis with millions of federal drug indictments for bringing boys to the yard.

NATO officials say that the recent strikes have destroyed 30% of Libya’s military power. So by power of deduction they have seven groups of teenage boys in the street throwing rocks remaining.

The list of the Top 10 albums & singles on iTunes makes me both question the existence of both a loving God, yet thank him for the existence of Cuervo.

An Arizona Judge has delayed the scheduled execution of an inmate. Reportedly the judge asked “Dude you want to kill is white; are we allowed do that here?”

The FBI announced that Friday is the most popular day for bank robberies. Bank teller smartphones everywhere were then programmed with the reminder “Call off sick Friday.”

City Council members in NYC announced they’re considering a ban of fast food toys.  Good.  Now the city’s completely safe.

Pamplona And The Piano Man

“I’m back.” -- Michael Jordan, 1995

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...joking on the sunny side of the street...

That black cobra form the Bronx Zoo will probably go to jail when they catch it. A white cobra would get probation or a halfway house.

A group has found a shipwreck in the waters of Lake Michigan that may date back to the 1830’s. Anderson Cooper immediately asked Larry King if he remembered the incident. OR Late night comedians immediately blamed the wreck on Sarah Palin.

Scientists have found 2,000 year old coral near a BP oil well in the gulf. A BP spokesman apologized, and assured stockholders that in the future they’d kill every single thing around their wells.

Spanish scientists are searching for the “fuel of the future.”  So far their ideas consist mostly of bulls chasing men in red sashes around on oversized hamster wheels.

A senior Libyan official has resigned.  His resignation says he’s pursuing other opportunities, and really hopes he gets the Tigerblood intern position.

Japan has asked the U.S. and France for assistance in their nuclear crisis.  Neither was helpful, as France advised them to immediately surrender and the U.S. said “Well, just drop it on...nevermind.”

The $319 million MegaMillions jackpot went to seven I.T. workers at the New York state Division of Housing and Community Renewal. In other words, there are seven job openings in the I.T. department at the New York State Division of Housing and Community Renewal.

A former NBA referee was charged with attacking Atlanta Hawks Hall of Famer Dominique Wilkins. When accused, the referee lifted both of his hands over his head and had a look of complete shock on his face while mouthing the words “I never touched him!”  The crowd booed.

Men with small penises everywhere were disappointed on Opening Day to learn that the book “A Game Of Inches” is actually about baseball.

A Tiawanese company pled guilty this week in a case of dumping waste into a harbor in American Samoa. They had originally planned to fight the charges, but their attorney burst out laughing every time anyone said “dumping,” so they pled it out.

German doctors advised by government to give patients more placebos. In a related story, the Weinstein family has decided to switch to French doctors.

Billy Joel has cancelled the memoir he was planning to write.  Apparently his ghost writer Davey is still in the Navy and probably will be for life.

McDonalds sales were up across Europe in February.  Remember that next time some coffee house pseudo-intellectual tells you how much smarter Europeans are.

KIA has recalled over 70,000 of it’s Optima’s.  A spokesman for the company said “We sold 70,000 of those pieces of crap?  Really?”

Hey Chuck Lorre, I'm Available (No, Really)

You know that guy in the movies who has all of the success, all of the money, and all of the possessions and then learns that love is more important?  That’s me, except without the success, money, or possessions.  I guess if you learn that lesson about love early in life you’re forced to skip the other parts.  Crap.  Hey Chuck Lorre, I’ll take the “open” role on your sitcom for whatever Hollywood’s League Minimum happens to be.  Just call.  Or email.  Or Tweet.  Or look outside, I’m on your lawn.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joking, but only half joking Mr. Lorre ...

A Turkish zoo says a tiger killed a lion when it stuck its paw through a narrow gap in a door dividing their cages.  Before being tranquilized, the Tiger claimed to be “Winning and full of Charlie Blood.”

A NASA scientist claimed this weekend to have found evidence of alien life.  It turns out he had accidentally bumped his radio transmitter and was picking up TigerBlood Radio instead.  OR Told there’s life on other planets, William Shatner asked “Are they hot?”

Thirty inches of snow blanketed upstate New York and Vermont.  Charlie Sheen’s plane was halfway there before his staff could convince him “No, it’s just snow Charlie; REAL snow.”

The most expensive painting ever sold at auction is Pablo Picasso’s “Nude, Green Leaves, And Bust.”  Art aficionados say the price could have gone even higher, if it wasn’t for the “Green Leaves” part.

Luxury jeweler Bulgari has been purchased in a $5.19 billion deal.  From the prices I’ve seen, that’ll buy about six of their watches.

Gas prices rose again this week, due to unrest in Libya.  That’s a much better reason than last week, when they raised gas prices because The Oscars sucked.  Way better than next week’s excuse, when they’ll raise gas prices again because “The sun was in our eyes.”

Consumer Reports Magazine release a poll saying that 63% of drivers under the age of thirty admitted to driving while being on the phone.  As for the other 37%, pollsters just kept getting a busy signal.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid says that due to unrest in the Middle East, he wants to “tap the Strategic Oil Reserves.”  What he didn’t say is that “Strategic Oil Reserves” is the stage name of his favorite Vegas stripper.

A small colony of emperor penguins on an island off the West Antarctic Peninsula is gone, and some scientists want to blame Global Warming.  I say we should wait a little while; it is Spring Break season, maybe they just went to Vegas or something.

Crying in the Miami Heat locker room = giggling & giant boner.

A new study says Hawaii is the happiest state in the Union.  The least happy?  Whatever state you return to after vacationing in Hawaii.

It’s been revealed that Britain’s Prince Andrew received a large sum of money from an American pedophile.  Reached for comment, Prince Andrew said “I don’t understand what I did wrong, Hugh Hefner offered me a check and I took it.  What?”

Singer Marc Anthony has joined the cast of TNT’s “Hawthorne.”  People took note around Hollywood, saying “That show’s still on?”

I’m starting to wonder exactly how many paid sick days you get if you work in the Wisconsin legislature.

Sean Penn says he thinks Charlie Sheen could do a lot of good in Haiti.  Sean, Haiti just had a devastating earthquake and now you want to send Charlie down there?  How much do you think these poor people can take?

THREE BAD SPORTS MASCOTS

-The Fighting Aereolas

-The Granola Munching Hippies

-A Gaggle Of Effeminate Men

Delayed By The Cloud

OK, this blog was supposed to post several days ago, but I was in internet H E Double Hockey Sticks so it’s just posting now.  If you think some of these topics are dated, meet me in the alley behind the In-N-Out in Hollywood at 10PM sharp and we’ll settle this.  Bring Yahtzee.  Punk.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... a joke is a joke is a joke, of course ...

A new law in New York says it’s illegal to have a dog tied up for more than three hours.  However, the law is vague about any time limit if she’s hot.

A new study found that a small nuclear war could reverse the effects of global warming.  Dear President Obama: Libya. Two birds, one stone: Hint, hint.

Thirteen Mexican troops have been arrested and charged with transporting drugs.  The most shocking part of the story is that they only managed to catch THIRTEEN of them.

The internet went dark in Libya yesterday, but traffic at porn sites was stable.  Like we always do, American men stepped in to pick up the slack and keep the world economy going.

Charlie Sheen has apparently said “Tiger Blood” one too many times; last night Elin Nordegren showed up and hit him in the head with a nine iron.

A new study says that teens and young adults are having less sex than they did a decade ago.  Experts say this could be tied to another recent study that said teens and young adults are fatter than a decade ago.

Scientists say that a study using deep-water cameras has revealed how and where tiny ocean animals called Krill have sex.  The study also reveals that scientists need to get a girlfriend.  

Orange County, California announced the participants in the Festival Of Whales this week.  Executives at Dancing With The Stars are threatening a lawsuit, claiming they already have a signed contract with Kirstie Alley.

63% of all web videos no longer require flash.  However, 88% of all viewed web videos involve flashing of some kind.

Wait a minute: I thought the middle east didn’t want democracy?

A 500-foot Ferris wheel, which would be the tallest in the Western Hemisphere, may be built on the Las Vegas strip.  Newly released ads on trucks in the city promise that by calling a 1-800 number, you can go “once around” for $500.

A recent U.S. News And World Report article tried to help people decide what kind of mortgage to obtain.  Here’s a thought: How about going for the one you can afford?

It’s Charlie Sheen Day!!!  Enjoy this blog, loyal readers; it’s been in the pipeline for a few days.  Send me your most fascinating comments.  Or at least the ones with the most vulgarities, as usual.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... the jokes from Ipanema ...

They say it may snow in LA this weekend.  Or Charlie Sheen may stay on his boat.  Too soon to tell.  OR Look on the bright side, at least in the 2012 election we’ll be able to say “Man, these guys are a couple of a-holes, but at least they’re not Charlie Sheen.” OR Maybe he was just a month or so early in headline grabbing for sweeps week.

Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago.  In traditional Chicago fashion, Emanuel received 2.3 million of a possible 350,000 votes.

Famed fashion house Christian Dior suspended creative director John Galliano after he was accused of an anti-Semitic insult. Sources say Galliano is riding out the incident at close friend Mel Gibson’s place.

Anti-whaling activists' high-seas confrontations with Japanese ships forced Tokyo to cut short its annual Antarctic hunt for the first time.  Activists say they had better success this year because they changed their boats to look like Godzilla.

Nick Jonas sang at a Motown party at The White House.  I’m not sure hiring Nick Jonas for a Motown party is going to reassure those still wondering if Barack Obama is “black enough.”  OR So now THAT’S been taken care of, let’s clean up those smaller issues like Wisconsin, Lybia, Mexico...and whatever other small items are still on the list.

An ice cream parlor based in London will make breast milk ice cream and says people should think of it as an organic, free-range treat.  Conversely, their store in Los Angeles says you should think of it as “Inorganic, but big enough for casting purposes.”

Russia will send French warships they purchased to a chain of islands that are being claimed by Japan.  Wouldn’t it be easier to save that cash and just surrender on their own?

The bones of the earliest North American human remains have been found in the Arctic, and are said to be 11,500 years old.  Larry King said it’s an important find, and he’ll dedicate his upcoming comedy tour to the memory of his younger brother.

Researchers say that ancient megadroughts which lasted thousands of years in what is now the American Southwest could offer a preview of a climate changed by modern greenhouse gas emissions.  Al Gore immediately said those ancient megadroughts were caused by SUV drivers.

X-rays showed that a New York pit bull swallowed a foot-long pipe.  Following the X-rays, the dog was offered a three picture deal at Vivid Video.

Malaysian police arrested three men believed to be responsible for stealing 725,000 condoms.  Why Wilt Chamberlains kids were in Malaysia is anyone's guess.

Home Depot recently announced they will be hiring 60,000 seasonal employees to help out this spring.  Luckily for Home Depot, roughly 60,000 “applicants” regularly hang around in their parking lots.

“First, picture everyone in their underwear.  Slow your breathing.  Then yell your manifesto and aim just above the belly button.” -- Excerpt from “Public Speaking/Rampage Shooting: Overcoming Your Fear Of Crowds”

I Say It's My Birthday

Today is my birthday.  Yes it is, so everyone listen up.  In lieu of a joke blog, and in light of it being Oscar week, I’m pulling from my Twitter feed yesterday, a hashtag called #OscarPorn.  I’ve taken the names of Best Picture winners, Best Actor winners, etc and rewritten them into adult movie titles - the trick is to do it without using curse words.  Leave your best and it may be included the upcoming major motion picture about my sweatpants-on-the-couch life! (**Not Really**) You can follow me on Twitter @stephenthomas15 .  Pants optional.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... Ah screw it, this stuff makes me giggle ...

Patton And Pettin' And Gropin' And Sweatin'.

The English Patient And The Naughty Nurses.

Gigi (Not Her Real Name).

Chariots And Pants Of Fire.

All Of Me And Part Of Rick. (My Idol Steve Martin, Best Actor 1984)

All About Eve And Her Mom And Her Hot Neighbor Kristin.

Titanic Knockers.

The Bridge On The River Kwai, And The Cheap Motel By The Airport.

Dances With Wolves, Fornicates With Anyone.

All The Kings Men, And Three Of His Sisters.

It Happened One Night. Seven Times.

All Quiet On The Western Front, But Really Noisy In The Rumpus Room.

Ordinary People Getting Nailed By Really Hot People While Other Ordinary People Watch.

On The Waterfront, In The Park, And Twice In The Back Of A Buick.

A Beautiful Mind And A Helluva Rack.

My Fair Lady And The Pizza Guy And Another Lady.

Lupus, LeBeta, And Large Dates

It’s been a week since I’ve written a joke blog, and I have no excuse.  Yes, I’ve been enjoying my week at home with my family.  Yes, I’ve been enjoying the fact that Spring Training is now open.  Yes, I’ve been enjoying my body weight in cookie dough and cake batter every day.  OK ... so maybe I do have an excuse.  Anyway, here’s the new one.  I’m off for some cookie dough and a viewing of The Bad News Bears.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... jokeus, you are a booger eating moron ...

Federal authorities charged more than 100 doctors, nurses and physical therapists with Medicare fraud worth $225 million.  Hearing this, Bernie Madoff scoffed “That’s it? Amateurs.”

Scientists say mastering a second language seems to delay getting Alzheimer's disease. O-say art-stay udying-stay anish-Spay.  Erk-Jay.

Cleveland area official say 200 geese have died for unknown reasons along the shores of Lake Erie while others are struggling to hold their heads up.  Frickin’ LeBron James.

Officials in Baghdad want the U.S. to pay $1 billion for damage done to the city.  Unofficial response from the State Department apparently rhymes with “Schmo Schmuck Schyourself.”

A tuberculosis outbreak among workers at a Tennessee elephant sanctuary in 2009 is being blamed on one of the pachyderms.  Which goes to prove the old saying “When having sex with an elephant, always wear a condom.”

Surgeons have removed a knife from the skull of a man who said it has been there for four years.  Finally out of pain, the man said “That’s the last time I go on a wilderness hike with Dick Cheney.”

Men who start to lose their hair by age twenty are twice as likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.  Man, talk about getting it in the ass twice.

The Minnesota House Of Representatives voted to lift the state’s ban on nuclear power.  In other words, look out Canada.  OR  In a nearly unnoticed rider on the bill, they also voted to install a ban on Brett Favre.  OR OK, Jesse Venture, Al Franken, and now this.  I guess one out of three ain’t bad.

The United States government said it was assessing possible responses after Somali pirates hijacked a yacht with four Americans on board.  The first thing they’re attempting to discern is who the four voted for; after that they’ll decide whether it’s in the budget to rescue them.

The husband of Julie Schenecker, who is accused of murdering their two teen-aged children because they talked back to her, said he plans to divorce her.  He said he’s going to try and get “One more weekend of ‘crazy-lady sex,’” but after that he’s gone like the wind.

The Green River Killer has pleaded guilty to his forty-ninth murder.  One more and he gets that free sub at Subway.  As long as he remembers to get that card punched.

Belgian citizens marked 249 days without a government, a figure that they are treating as a world record in political waffling.  Hearing the news, John Kerry vowed to regain his crown “As soon as is humanly possible.  Or maybe not.  I actually waffled longer first, before I stopped.”

Patients with head and neck cancer who continue to smoke while undergoing radiation treatments have a much lower long-term survival rate than those who stop.  In other shocking news, those who aren’t kicked in the face experience lower level of pain than those who get kicked repeatedly.  Who FUNDS this crap?

Scientists say there are fewer big fish in the sea than before.  Single chubby chasers, take note.

More video content is uploaded to YouTube in a sixty day period than the three major U.S. television networks created in sixty years.  However, when you take out videos including cats, it come out about even.

Pitchers and catchers reported this week.  But enough about Justin Bieber fans. (Rimshot)

Three Bad Strip Club Names

-Flaming Lips

-The “Before” Picture

-Week Old Sushi