Saturday, September 11, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/11

Always remember.

With all of the talk about who will replace Steve Carell on The Office, I’d like to throw a name out there that I can’t believe hasn’t already been considered:  Ted McGinley.
Hollywood celebrities went out on a limb last night, making a brave stand against cancer.  You know, instead of being for cancer like everybody else.  OR Many of the celebrities said it was an issue we can all come together and agree on, not something divisive and uncertain like whether or not it’s OK to drug and rape a thirteen year old, then run and hide in Switzerland for thirty years like a scumbag coward.
A news reporter in Norway recently quit on-air during a live broadcast.  The video has gone viral, under the title “Please Please Please Forward This To Geraldo!”
A man in Georgia is suing a grocery store after finding a used tampon in his bowl of Chocolate Chip Crunch cereal.  One wonders what would have happened had it been a bowl of Frankenberry.
A New York City woman stabbed and killed her husband after coming home and finding a porn video in their apartment.  Later that day a dozen husbands in neighboring apartments made quick trips to the dumpster, “Just to throw out some... stuff, honey...nothing important.” 
Meteorologists say that a strengthening La Nina could mean more hurricanes this season.  They also said it could mean less hurricanes.  Then they said the hurricanes could stay about the same.  They then turned the final Tarot Card and said we would all find happiness in a new career, or possibly a new love interest.  OR  With that ability to see the future so clearly, I think meteorologists should spend more time in Vegas. OR Al Gore then held a press conference stating that information this rock solid is incontrovertible evidence that taxes should be raised, and SUV owners are obviously the Devil.
In a move clearly designed to wean the U.S. off of reliance on foreign oil, President Obama continued the moratorium on domestic drilling while extending a $1 billion loan to Mexico to support their oil drilling program.  The move makes perfect sense, since we have all those extra billions laying around with nowhere to spend them here at home.  OR Three words come to mind:  What, The, and Fuck.  OR Yeah...Biden saying “We have to spend money to save money” doesn’t sound so stupid anymore, does it?
Eighty five inmates escaped from a Mexican prison recently.  It’s not that big of a deal;  that’s the equivalent of only seven American inmates.
A new study says people are now on Facebook longer than they are on Google.  That’s not surprising, since it doesn’t take long to go to Google and type in “Two chicks threesome home made amateur video clips.”
Bad news: The CDC says Americans are eating less fruit and not nearly enough vegetables.  Good news: We lead the world in eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Herbie Retires in Sunrise, AZ
Scream, Like A Little Girl
Die Hard, It’s Better Than Dying Limp

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