Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/7

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With the passing of one of “The Little Rock Nine,” President Obama said that all Americans owe a debt to those brave civil rights icons.  In an attempt to show his intimate knowledge of history, Vice President Joe Biden said we all owe a similar debt to “The Dave Clark Five.”
A gubernatorial candidate in Nevada is proposing a “pay to speed” plan, wherein drivers  who are in a hurry call a number, pay a $25 fee and are permitted to speed for 24 hours.  Other proposals include a $500 fee to punch fans of a rival sports team, a $2,000 fee to run naked through your ex-girlfriends apartment complex , and a $25,000 fee to shoot your spouse of longer than ten years.
Mark David Chapman, the man who assassinated John Lennon in 1980, was once again denied parole this week.  Hollywood celebrities lined up to applaud the denial, then they realized there was no money to be made on the incident and quickly got out of line.
A new report says that Paris Hilton received special treatment while in a Las Vegas jail.  Of course she did, she had all the good drugs.  That stuff is like money in the joint.
Tropical Storm Hermine dropped massive amounts of rain on Texas today.  Meteorologists predict that Hermine will now route north through Arkansas and into Tennessee, or perhaps head straight back to Hogwarts, hook up with Harry, and soak the Prisoner Of Azkiban.
According to reports, Reggie Bush will be stripped of his Heisman Trophy due to improper dealings with an agent while still in college.  In a related story, Matt Leinart will also be stripped of his Heisman, due to people figuring out he pretty much sucks.
Tiger Woods has made the U.S. Ryder Cup team as a captains pick.  Waitresses at Denny’s & IHOP all across Wales were ecstatic at the news.
Studies say that the smoking rate in U.S. adults is stuck at 1 in 5.  My suggestion: remove the filters from cigarettes and that number will drop rapidly.
The Kennedy Center announced its new group of honorees, and among them is Oprah Winfrey.  While no one can argue with Oprah’s success and influence, some say she may be receiving the honor because she gave everyone on the committee a new car.
Wyclef Jean has a new song that claims Sean Penn uses cocaine.  Sean Penn has fired back saying the claim is completely wrong.  Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, no one gives a flying rat fart.
The U.S. Department of Agriculture has begun dropping Tylenol-loaded dead mice into the forests on Guam, in an attempt to control the population of brown tree snakes, since the acetaminophen in Tylenol is deadly to the snakes.  So now apparently dropping bombs from planes is the answer to everything.  OR  A USDA representative says there can be as many as 20 brown tree snakes per acre on Guam, one of the highest snake densities recorded anywhere in the world, second only to Washington DC.  OR Instead of mouse-bombs, the original plan was to drop Yaeger-bombs, but those were quickly scooped up by the soldiers and sailors stationed nearby.
The FDA issued warnings to the makers of Canada Dry ginger ale and Lipton tea for making unsubstantiated nutritional claims about their green tea-flavored beverages.  Among the claims the FDA says are bogus are that drinking the beverage will make you taller, that it can help you see through women’s clothing, and that it can make “Jersey Shore” go away.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley has said he will not seek reelection when his current term expires.  In a statement, Daley explained “I’ll either be in jail or on the White House staff, so why bother?”
From the “things you secretly root for and giggle about” category, Al Sharpton’s nonprofit is on the brink of failure according to recent reports.  Financial analysts say the failure can be traced to the overall recession driving down giving and participation, and the fact that Sharpton is a total asshole.  Well, more the second one.
Reports indicate that bank robberies are now the number one way Al Qadea in Iraq is raising money for its missions.  The surprising rest of the top five were: 2) Bake sales, 3) Vegas-style casino night! 4) Free cruise raffles, and 5) “Beaver Hunt” photo contests.
A recent report says that Fidel Castro has called Mahmoud Ahmadinajad “anti-semetic.”  Now, we all know Mahmoud is a crazynuts, but when Castro is telling you “Hey, tone it down a notch” maybe, just maaaybe it’ll have an effect.
An American Tail Part Three: Feivel Goes Crooked
The Ma-Trix Are For Kids
Police Academy 2, 3, 4, and 5

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