See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or if you follow me into the bathroom.
Joaquin Phoenix issued an apology to David Letterman for the hoax involving his documentary film. Still no apology from Phoenix or Nick Cage for “8 Millimeter.”
A new therapy for Alzheimers patients that reduces levels of a toxic protein which accumulates in the brain may be on the horizon, due to information obtained in a recent study. Scientists believe this will work better than the current therapy, which is “Hey, you’d better write that down or you’ll forget.”
The NFL is developing a “Workplace Conduct” code for all of its teams, in response to the recent incident involving a female reporter. Leaks indicate that rule #1 of the code is “Hey, stop waving your winkie at the female reporters, dumbasses.”
Google Maps reportedly “lost” the city of Sunrise, Florida for a month over the summer, with the city not appearing on any maps for a period of time. A Google spokesman blamed the loss on a timing issue, saying “We update our GPS maps every day at 4 PM, and that’s when Sunrise heads out for the Early Bird Dinner. We just missed them for awhile.”
A former assistant to a top Walt Disney Co. executive pleaded guilty to charges stemming from a scheme to sell insider information on the company, officials said Tuesday. The man and his six associates reportedly were tired of being forced to work in an underground diamond mine, whistle and sing stupid company work songs, and share cramped, filthy accommodations. OR The man, known in court documents only as “Mr. D. Duck,” said those at the top never gave him the billing he believed he deserved, then lost his temper and screamed (Donald Duck voice) “AAAH, RHABBLESCRABLLEFICKAGUBBABOOOO!!!!!!”
KFC has begun paying college women to place ads on their buns. Surprisingly, many college men are against this effort, since they don’t want to be bothered with any reading when checking out a girls ass.
NBC Universal Chief Executive Jeff Zucker said his company is not likely to follow rivals and make its TV shows available for Apple Inc's new 99-cent rental service. Zucker explained that his conscience would not allow him to overcharge people that much for NBC’s horrific programming.
Eighty pilot whales are stranded on a beach in New Zealand. Originally it was thought that there were ninety of the whales, but ten were revealed to be Buddha-looking tourist men in speedos.
The worlds oldest man celebrated his 114th birthday in Montana this week. There was a small, private celebration, with only a few relatives and of course his high school classmate Larry King.
Lawmakers in the Catalonia region of Spain have OK’d a controversial tradition known as “Flaming Bull Festivals.” In the U.S. a flaming bull festival is simply called “The Keith Olberman Show.”
According to media reports, at least 280 crocodiles have escaped from a Mexican refuge near the Gulf of Mexico after heavy flooding caused by Hurricane Karl. Several dozen have already been recaptured, and authorities are combing the Home Depot parking lots in southern Texas for the rest.
The Philadelphia Eagles have named Michael Vick their starting quarterback for this Sunday’s game. Unconfirmed reports say Vick lobbied head coach Andy Reid for the job like a wild dog.
A new study suggests that mammograms don't help women over fifty as much as has been believed. They also don’t much help the doctors, who are forced to spend far too much time handling fifty-year-old boobs. OR The study, funded by a private grant from “The All Guys Doctor Group,” did say that women 18-25 should get more mammograms. A lot more.
Blockbuster is expected to file for Chapter Eleven Bankruptcy protection tomorrow. If it is not filed by noon, federal regulators will charge Blockbuster $1 for every day the filing is late.
Ireland plans to allow police to send "test" youths to pubs beginning next month to check if landlords abide by laws prohibiting the sale of alcohol to those under eighteen. Irish officials report they had “no problems whatsoever” finding volunteers for the program. OR A similar proposal to send test youths into massage parlors to check whether underage boys could get “happy endings” had to be shut down, after officials received over two million volunteers for the ten appropriated spots.
Tiger Woods will be joining the U.S. Ryder Cup team on a charter flight to Wales, but his caddie and two others were bumped from the plane due to lack of space. Unconfirmed reports say the final three spots were taken by two waitresses from IHOP and a stripper named Cupcake.
University of Maryland head basketball coach Gary Williams said that the NCAA should pay student athletes. Williams also said “Hey, could you also make it OK if we...uhh..paid them in the past? That would be cool...you know....I’m just sayin’.”
*THREE BAD...SELF-WRITTEN WEDDING VOWS*
Until death do us part, or until your balls dangle below your knees. Whichever comes first.
My love for you knows no bounds, unless that hot chick from the mail room suddenly becomes available
I promise to punch you less on alternating Thursdays