Thursday, September 30, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/30

Today is the sea sickness version of what Mary Hart may have called “The funniest joke blog I read today.”  When it comes to nausea, sometimes it IS the motion of the ocean; and the ocean is motioning something wicked today.  You should pass this blog on to everyone you know.  If you don’t, I may just send you photos of what I had for breakfast... three hours after I ate it... you dig?
As always, see more of me at, or by making hollow promises and giving me cubic zirconia nipple rings.
Ireland will have to pump $16 billion more into the country's crippled banking system.  Upon hearing the news, Irish citizens rushed to local pubs, drank Guiness until they could barely stand, then pummeled each other in bar and street fights until breakfast.  In other words, their normal Thursday routine seemed unaffected.
Snooki has signed a book deal.  Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but it’s thought that if she can finish reading the book, THEN she can go outside and play.  OR The working title is apparently “Only In America: How An Untalented, Illiterate Skank Made It To The Top.”  OR The pint sized star of Jersey Shore is apparently taking it seriously, spending many hours drinking and partying with strangers while a ghostwriter makes up stories about her doing something productive.
Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlesberger have apparently been exchanging text messages leading up to this Sunday’s Steelers-Ravens game.  Lewis texted that if Ben was playing this week, he’d stab him in the face.  Roethlesberger replied that he’d be “busy with your sister” if you get our drift.
Congress seems poised to pass legislation to turn down the volume on those loud TV commercials that send couch potatoes diving for their remote controls.  So we know that  the priorities in Washington DC are lined up properly, as always.
Rahm Emanuel will resign as White House chief of staff on Friday and will begin his campaign for Chicago mayor.  Emanuel’s first meeting will be with campaign staff, to discuss Chicago-style voter intimidation strategies.
Retail vitamin company GNC disclosed in an SEC filing that it plans an IPO of $350 million.  GNC says that initial investors who follow a daily twenty-minute routine will add forty pounds of muscle to their portfolio in under six months.
A company called CoolSculpting has a new machine that can help you lose weight through a process called “Fat Blasting.”  Funny, I always thought “Fat Blasting” was something you had to do one night during Fraternity pledge week.
Senator Al Franken on Thursday called on federal agencies to investigate the foreclosure practices of government-controlled Ally Financial.  The request took nearly four hours to complete on the Senate floor, since every sentence ended with the phrase “...and this request is sent in by me...Al Franken.”
Democratic Rep. Debbie Wasserman Shultz recently warned of the “risky gamble” of investing Social Security money privately.  Yes, far better to leave it with Washington, where it’s a “sure thing” that your money will never be seen or heard from again.
McDonald's denies reports it's considering dropping health coverage for some employees in response to a provision of the health care overhaul.  In what a McDonald’s spokesman says is an unrelated story, a small order of fries now costs $16.99.
Police in southwestern Germany hit approximately 1,500 protesters with water cannons Thursday as they demonstrated against a railway project.  Police said it was not a disciplinary measure against the protestors, but simply with that many European men in the street simultaneously, it just smelled awful.
Statistics say the average American eats nine doughnuts per year.  Statistics also show that the average American lies egregiously about how many doughnuts they eat per year.  OR That number drops to 2.3 doughnuts per year if Kirstie Alley is left out of the stats.
China is reportedly closer to its goal of having a moon landing by 2012.  US officials say this could bankrupt the Chinese economy, as once they get there, they’ll just want to go back again an hour later.  OR Good news: China is reportedly closer to its goal of having a moon landing by 2012.  Bad news: From there, it will take FOREVER to get your Kung Pao Chicken delivered.
The lead attorney is requesting to leave the Rod Blagoyevich defense team.  It’s nothing to do with the case, he’s just recently developed an allergy to Alberto VO5.
“Remember where we parked the car!!!”
“Hey!  Some of us might make it!  CHAAAAAARGE!!!”
“Did you ever see the episode of Family Ties where Alex took speed!?! That ROCKED!!!”

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