Friday, September 3, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/3

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The makers of Botox will pay $600 million to resolve and investigation into their product.   Botox representatives did not look worried or upset at the announcement, and in fact showed no emotion on their faces at all. 
Hurricane Earl caused Amtrak to cancel almost eighty trains from North Carolina up to Washington DC yesterday, stranding nearly twenty passengers.
NBC is reporting that terrorist group Hamas may be an impediment to the Middle East peace talks.  Yes, apparently the fact that terrorists can be an impediment to peace is new information to the folks at NBC.
“Crocodile Dundee” star Paul Hogan was cleared to return to the U.S., after finally clearing up a tax problem in his home country.  Apparently the dispute arose from a misunderstanding of what is or is not a knife.
NASA has stated that in it’s continuing quest to explore the universe, it would like to “plunge a probe into the sun.”  Attorneys for the sun issued a statement that they would not stand for this type of harassment, and demanded to at least get dinner and dancing first.  NASA then replied back, reminding the sun that they were astronauts, baby...come ooonnn...we can take you to the moon...
Fidel Castro appeared in public in his full military uniform for the first time since stepping down as president four years ago.  Some observers are calling this a symbolic act, suggesting that perhaps Castro will be retaking control.  I think  maybe it was just laundry day and that’s all he had clean.
A Florida Pastor is planning to hold a Koran burning on September 11.  Many members of the congregation do not agree with his stance, with one telling the local newspaper “I’m so upset by this I plan to not even be around that day...I have a...meeting... outside the blast radius...I mean outside the city limits that day.  Yeah, a meeting...that’s it.”
California Gubernatorial candidate and occasional sane person Jerry Brown said in a recent interview that he “can bring Californians together” if he is elected this fall.  Brown then promised a chicken in every pot and a tinfoil hat for every head.  “Wait,” he then said, “Change that first one to pot for everyone...then chicken fingers...cuz after some solid weed chicken fingers rock!  IHOP RUUUUULES!!!”
Ninety-five Boa Constrictors burst from checked luggage at an airport recently.  Originally it was reported that there were ninety-six of the huge snakes, but the last one turned out to be Ron Jeremy with no pants.  OR Airport security reportedly had the situation under control, and asked passengers to remain calm while they “Get these motherfuckin’ snakes out of this motherfuckin’ airport!” 
College football news.  The Big Ten now has twelve teams.  The Big Twelve now has ten teams.  Once again, the NCAA said there would be no college football playoff because they didn’t want to interfere with the students “academic pursuits.”  You mean like counting to twelve?  You figure it out.
Witnesses reported seeing a Bull Shark swimming in the Potomac River in Washington DC earlier today.  Later it was revealed to be James Carville, who had gotten hammered and gone skinny dipping.
Mexican police shot and killed twenty-five members of a drug gang near the border yesterday.  No one was more pleased about this than the rival drug gangs who are paying off the police this month.
Two young goats were finally rescued from a 6-inch ledge on a bridge in Helena, Montana yesterday, where they were trapped for two days.  There is no proof as to how or why the animals wandered out onto the ledge, but police are investigating reports that the animals have been granted official membership in the local chapter of Delta Tau Chi.
In their latest quarterly financial reports, Campbells Soup profits are up 64%.  A Campbells spokesman said the company’s long-term outlook is “Mmm mmm good.”
Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh was fined $7,500 for his roughing-the-passer penalty on Cleveland quarterback Jake Delhomme.  Asked whether the fine was excessive, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell replied “Come on, it’s the Cleveland Browns.  Haven’t they been through enough already?  We’re going to give them a ‘participation’ trophy at the end of the year.  For now just lay off, man.”
A new study says that men waste more than $3,000 in fuel costs each year because they refuse to ask for directions when lost.  There is no estimate of how much fuel men waste driving in circles to avoid going home and getting nagged relentlessly.  OR In a related study, more than 5,000 women drivers each year are kidnapped by the creepy strangers they ask for directions.
Episode 44, “Amish Massacre”
Episode 126, “The Spock-tacular Christmas Special”
Episode 85, “The Trouble With Boogers”

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