Mele Kalikimaka, Charlie Brown

Today will be my last joke blog until after Thanksgiving.  I head out tomorrow for a vacation with my entire extended family.  I’m not going to tell you where, because I want to minimize the number of screaming, sex-charged groupies that follow me around.  I’m also planning a full-fledged Charlie Brown Thanksgiving dinner, complete with popcorn and toast, and I don’t want to share.  (This year I’m kicking that folding chair’s ass)  I’ll see you after Thanksgiving - add that to the list of things to be thankful for, legions of readers.  Now go do legion-ish stuff for a week.

See more of me including TV appearances and promo videos at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by following me on vacation.

... by the time I get to Phoenix, she’ll be joking ...

Kid Rock will be in Detroit's NFL stadium twice over the next two months.  Vegas bookmakers have installed him as a five point favorite over the Lions in both games.

Me: Should I start a Facebook fan page?  Wife: Shouldn’t you get a fan or two first?  In a story I swear is not related at all, four out of ten people believe marriage is becoming obsolete.

Four our of ten people believe marriage is becoming obsolete.  However, that number dropped to under one in ten when the survey removed people with the last names Sheen, Longoria, and Gosseling. OR ...when you remove people who have been married to Larry King, that number drops dramatically.  

A man in Wisconsin who blasted his TV with a shotgun while watching Bristol Palin's "Dancing with the Stars" routine apparently has a history of this type of behavior.  Police indicate he has an arrest in 2004 for knifing his toaster during “Emeril Live,” and again in 1995 for pistol-whipping his shortwave radio while watching “Suddenly Susan.”  OR man, if he’s that upset over a reality show, how pissed will he be if Sarah wins in 2012?  Someone should check his basement for bazooka’s and a suitcase nuke.

Eva Longoria filed to divorce basketball star Tony Parker, citing “irreconcilable differences.”  Apparently the differences were that she wanted to raise any children Roman Catholic, and he wanted to repeatedly nail other women.

Silent film star Marie Osborne Yeats has passed away at the age of ninety-nine.  Friends say she died quietly, with bouncy ragtime piano music in the background.

Researchers have unveiled a new treatment for severely obese children.  The treatment involves yelling “Put down the Twinkie, eat a carrot, and go outside and play you little fucker!”

An armed man robbed a Chuck E Cheese this week.  Police say he escaped with several thousand in cash, two dozen fuzzy troll pencils, and a kickass Death Star piggy bank.

Prime Minister Vladimir Putin got a new puppy this week, and has asked Russian citizens to help him name it.  So far the leading vote getting names are “Sergei No-Nuts,” “The Spy Who Pooped On The Shag,” and “Snooki Glasnost.”  

Bristol Palin and The Situation have recorded a PSA for an anti-teen-pregnancy group.  I’ll say that again: Bristol Palin and The Situation have recorded a PSA for an anti-teen-pregnancy group.  Next week: Kirstie Alley and Oprah team up to keep kids thin, and don’t miss the Just Say No special with Charlie Sheen and Ozzy!  OR Next week on Sarah Palin’s Alaska, a special baby announcement!

Oil prices rebounded Thursday as the dollar fell against the euro amid mounting expectations of an EU-IMF bailout for debt-laden Ireland, and following news of plunging US crude inventories.  Or something like that.  Who fucking knows anymore?

Germany announced that it has strong evidence Islamist militant groupsare planning attacks in the next two weeks.  The evidence is apparently a video released by an Islamist militant group that said “Hey, we’re going to attack Germany.  Probably in the next two weeks.”

Susan Boyle has a No. 1 album in the United States and the U.K. simultaneously for the second time in a year.  This makes her the first female artist to ever accomplish the feat, while having absolutely no one stroke it to her videos.

Penn State's Joe Paterno has been honored by Congress for his 400th career win, and President Obama released a children’s book.  Well good, I guess that means the economy is fixed and the wars are over, right? Everything’s great now?  Right?

A new study says women in their 40s with a moderate family risk of breast cancer should get yearly mammograms.  It also says those women should have far more sex with their husbands.  No really.  I have the study here somewhere, I’ll show you if you don’t believe me.  Hang on...

Real headline on Yahoo News I could not possibly make up, I swear this is it verbatim:  “Health Tip: Avoid Contracting Pneumonia.”  Thanks Yahoo, anything else?  Maybe “Fun  Tip: Avoid Getting Face Kicked,” or “Financial Tip: Avoid Being Broke.”

Good news: Statistics show that sales of tobacco to youths have hit an all time low.  Bad news: Tobacco sales to “older brothers” of youths who look suspiciously like a local homeless guy have hit an all time high.

Cardinals from around the world are flocking to Rome for a daylong discussion of some of the most critical issues facing the Catholic church.  A leaked copy of the seminar schedule includes the topics: “Working hip-hop references into your sermon and why kids find it sexy, 8-9AM,” “Where to get the best deals on windowless vans, 10-11AM,” and “Bulk candy stores, YOUR salvation! 2-3 PM.”

An investigation into the collision of a Japanese whaling ship and a protest boat off Antarctica has found that the skippers of both vessels were to blame.  Hearing the news, the skippers yelled “GilligAAAAAAAAAN!” and beat their respective first mates relentlessly with their hats.

Tiger Woods is now on Twitter.  His handle? @richhungplaya69.

India's Supreme Court demanded that the Prime Minister explain why the government took a year to investigate a cell-phone licensing scandal that cost the country billions of dollars.  The Prime Minister directed the court to his customer call center, where they were told the call was very important and to stay on the line, a representative would be with them shortly, and their expected wait time was half past never.  OR The Prime Minister could not be reached for comment, as he was busy hanging off the side of an overcrowded train.

***THREE BAD...TRAVEL & TOURISM SLOGANS***

Oklahoma: Could Be Worse, Could Be Nebraska

France: PIss Off!

China: You come here!  You come here have fun!  Now!

Thundercats, Shower Tiles, And The Fab Four

I’ve decided against an opening monologue today.  What are you going to do about it?  Seriously?  Huh?  Are you going to come to my house and rearrange my ottoman collection?  Huh?  Are you?  Are you going to follow me around all week, singing the theme song to “Thundercats” excruciatingly loud in my ear?  Huh?  Are you?  Are you going to go to my house when we’re away, rip up the bathroom floor, and install those little one-inch square tiles because you know that drives me bananas and I can’t stand on them in my bare feet for even two seconds without getting the willies especially if my feet are still a little wet from the shower and just thinking about it right now is making me cringe?  Huh?  Are you?  Fine.  FINE!  If you’re going to be that big of a jerkface I’ll write a stupid opening monologue.  Are you happy now?  Huh?  Are you?

Moral: Monologues come in all shapes and sizes.  Not creeds though.

See more of me including TV appearances at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or in Miami where I’m trying out for the Dolphins QB position tomorrow. (They were remarkably impressed with the VHS game tape I showed them from 1987)

... joke joke ago, in a galaxy joke joke away ...

Songs by The Beatles are finally available on iTunes.  Fans old enough to remember when the Fab Four took America by storm nearly fifty years ago are excited, asking “What’s iTunes?”  OR My mother called today and asked how to install “this ringtone thing your father bought” into the big black phone on her kitchen wall.

The Supreme Court’s Stephen Breyer says the nine Justices must adapt to “the Facebook world.”  Clarence Thomas agreed, then immediately joined the Facebook group “Showin’ Pubes To Your Assistant.”  OR  Five minutes later, Chief Justice John Roberts Tweeted “BS Breyer, Twitter Rules! FB is 4 wimps!  I’ma Tweet all ovah yo backwoods ass, beyatch!”

New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan was elected president Tuesday of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops in a surprise win.  Analysts credit Dolan’s win to his huge fundraising advantage in the all-important “ten year old secret-keeper” demographic.

Oksana Grigorieva told Larry King she recorded Mel Gibson that fateful night because she thought she was going to die right then.  If anyone would understand that feeling, it’s Larry King.

The House Ethics Panel has found Charlie Rangel guilty of numerous violations.  In keeping with Congressional tradition, nothing at all will ever, ever happen to him.

A Turkish car is a finalist in New York City’s Taxi of Tomorrow contest, and why not?  They’re all going to smell like a Turkish bath house after a week anyway.

Los Angeles County has voted to ban plastic grocery bags.  Gangs, hookers, and meth labs are still OK though.  OR  Half of the women in Hollywood panicked before it was clarified that plastic “funbags” are still A-OK.

Barbara Walters will interview The President and The First Lady next week.  I’ll bet they both say they would be an Oak Tree.

A federally funded study revealed that women with stressful jobs are more prone to heart trouble than those in less stressful positions.  That’s right, stressful jobs are more stressful than non-stressful ones.  Nah, there NOWHERE to cut stupid wasteful federal spending.  Nowhere.  Higher taxes are definitely the answer.

Authorities in Indonesia revealed that 25% of prostitutes on the island of Bali are reported to be HIV-positive.  Health experts say the best way to protect yourself is with condom usage.  Yeah, that or maybe not bangin’ hookers in the first place.  OR  In response, Tahiti is offering 25% off all-inclusive vacations!

Scientists say that Giraffe-sized pterosaurs may have pole-vaulted with their arms to launch themselves.  However, the study also says the pterosaurs sucked at the hammer-throw, and were virtually useless in the long jump.

A Japanese deep-space probe became the first ever to collect asteroid dust during a recent seven year trip.  Unfortunately further study on the dust will be delayed until the TSA finishes tests to see if it’s really cocaine.

Bomb scares, kidnappings, strippers protesting churches, highway shootings ... hey friends in Ohio, why don’t you move someplace safe and sane like California?

After Prince William announced his engagement to longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton, reporters asked if his stepmother Camilla will be intimidated by having another female in the palace.  William responded “Camilla’s a chick?  Really?  Wow.”  OR Kate Middleton’s parents said they are “Absolutely delighted” that their daughter will marry Prince William.  They’re also excited for their grandchild to be born in 6 1/2 months.  OR    An hour after the announcement, Elton John Tweeted “Crap ... guess I’m out of the running.”  OR  Asked for comment, Camilla pawed the floor with her hoof five times, and ate a sugar cube right out of the reporters hand.  It was SO cute.  OR  In a reaction poll, most Americans responded “William ... is he the kind of pasty looking one or the REEEEALLY pasting looking one?”  OR  In a reaction poll, most Americans responded “Wait ... is she on Dancing With the Stars or Jersey Shore?”  OR Reportedly, William proposed using the same ring his father gave to Princess Diana nearly thirty years ago.  You know ... because THAT worked out so well.

Researchers say that a rare, but severe form of morning sickness may be hereditary.  It most often happens to women who get knocked up by a drunk on Dollar Beer Night, and realize they inherited their taste in men from their mother.

The federal government is recommending that a small population of dolphins living near Hawaii be placed on the endangered species list.  Meanwhile, the NFL is recommending that all Dolphin Quarterbacks also be placed on the endangered species list.

Nigeria's main militant group said it was behind an attack on an oil platform and had kidnapped seven Nigerian workers.  The group also promised to knock it off if the government would simply unfreeze their royal assets.

The Pittsburgh City Council has banned nearly all types of drilling within the city limits.  Hearing the news, Steelers QB Ben Roethlesberger immediately demanded a trade.

Hey Keith Olbermann, Please Don't Touch My Junk

“Don’t Touch My Junk.”  Get ready to hear that a lot over the next week, and not because your wife is in another inexplicably crappy mood.  (Well, not ONLY because of that)  The guy in San Diego who refused the let the joke of a government boondoggle called the TSA sexually assault him has coined a phrase, which will go into the annals of history with other pop culture phrases, like “Where’s The Beef?” and “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” and of course “What The Hell Are The ‘Annals’ Of History?  Is It Just A Nice Way Of Saying ‘The Buttholes’ Of History?”  OK, maybe I made that last one up, but it proves my point: You have no idea what “annals” means, do you?  Neither do I.  I’m also not sure where “Coined a phrase” began.  Personally I suspect the Chinese.  Anyway ... what was I talking about?  Oh right, Brett Favre’s penis.  I think maybe the aging INT-bot has the answer: if we all just text pictures of our junk to the TSA, then they wouldn’t have to search us at the airport.  I’m going to go do it now.  You know, for safety.

See more of me including TV appearances at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or at www.textyourjunktotheTSA.org. (Yes, .org - We are a nonprofit, texting junk shots for Mother Earth)

... sometimes you want to joke, where everybody knows your name ...

A Florida car dealership is offering a free AK-47 assault rifle with the purchase of a used truck.  What they don’t tell you is how the AK is used while negotiating your purchase.  OR  Customers are then free to use the AK-47’s on “Them weirdo fruits buying a riceburnin’ Prius.”

A new vending machine uses facial recognition technology to recommend drinks to its potential buyers.  The manufacturers have no explanation why women with large breasts are consistently offered “Five Tequila shots and directions to my place.”

In an interview, German writer Charlotte Roche offered to sleep with President Christian Wulff if he votes against extending the lifetime of Germany's nuclear reactors.  Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad reportedly emailed the story to CBS News with the subject line “For Katie Couric...hint hint.” OR ...emailed it to President Obama with the subject line “Forward to Michelle...hint hint.”  OR Wulff reportedly responded “Shave your pits and we’ll talk.”  OR She later received an exclusive invitation to the “First Annual Favre/Woods Writers Conference At The Airport Ramada.”  OR Democratic Party lobbyists in the U.S. collectively smacked their foreheads and said “Why didn’t WE think of that?”  OR BREAKING: Bill Clinton names himself U.S. Ambassador to Germany.

The trial for a female Southern California teacher accused of having sex with a male student begins this week with opening statements from each attorney.  After that there will be two days of the kid high-fiving with his friends.  Then the first witness.

Bad news: More and more people denied Social Security claims are making threats towards the judges who rule on their cases.  Good news: The judges only have to be careful until 4PM, when the threateners go to early bird dinner and then nod off.

The ethics panel has begun deliberations in the Charlie Rangel case.  Count me among those who think we don’t need a whole panel to decide this - the guy has no ethics.

Bad news: Authorities in St. Kitts say masked gunmen have held up a tour bus, robbing sixteen cruise ship passengers.  Good news: All sixteen passengers were unhurt, and made it back to the ship in time for the first of three dinners and the juggler.

Scientists are proposing one-way trips to Mars.  Reporters at the news conference replied “Uuh OK, you first.”

General Motors says that their public IPO later this week will mean they are no longer under the control of the U.S. Government.  Yeah, then GM will be under the control of the Chinese Government.

NASA announced that they have found a 4th crack in the fuel tank for Shuttle Discovery.  An hour later, two of the astronauts announced they “Just remembered they have a.....thing to go to....yeah...a thing...so we can’t go on the mission.  Sorry guys, but this thing is pretty important.  Yeah... a really important thing.”

Critics are saying that Christina Aguilera receiving a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame is “cheapening the entertainment industry.”  Yeah, THAT’S what’s making it cheap.  Until now it was a bastion of talent and decency.

NBC has announced they will make Thursday night a three hour block of comedy shows.  Don’t worry though, every other night will remain a nine hour block of Dateline and Law & Order spinoffs.

Keith Olbermann’s suspension and resulting publicity has given his show a bump in the ratings.  This week both his Mom AND his Dad watched.  Well, they DVR’d it to watch after O’Reilly and Conan, but still...good on ya, Keith!

Malaysian officials have announced that children as young as six will be given sex education in primary schools beginning next year.  90% of Catholic Priests support the decision.

Scientists have discovered a new large species of squid in the Indian Ocean.  The squid works for Dell and calls itself by the fake name “Kevin.”

After rebuffing President Obama last week, the foreign ministers of China, India and Russia pledged cooperation with each other in trade, energy and geopolitical affairs. Take note, America: You Will Be Assimilated.

For the next seven days the famous Leonid meteor shower will be reaching its peak.  So high school guys will have a solid “Let’s go make out” excuse this week.  Next week, back to “Hey, let’s go see the new construction out in the woods.”

Facebook has announced a new all-in-one messaging service.  So now there is no excuse not to send to pictures of your cat doing cute stuff.

***FAILED FIRST DRAFTS***

“Call me Ishmael.  Yeah, now call me Dirty, Dirty Ishmael and twist my nipples.”

“Say Goodnight, Gracie.” “No, YOU say it, you prick!”

“Who’s on first?” “You mean Hu?  That little Asian fella?”

Mixed Metaphors And Stale Fortune Cookies

It’s time for Stephen’s Mailbag:

“Dear Stephen,

I’m so tired I could eat a horse.  A bird in the hand gets the worm.  An apple a day, join ‘em.  We got spirit, yes we do, we got spirit, waaaay back!

Sincerely,

Sir Mix-A-Metaphor”

(Tipping my cap to the illustrious Mr Bill Simmons) Yup, these are my readers.

See more of me including my commercial reel and promo video at www.starspangledcomedy.com.  Or just ask.  I'll show you.

... joke the way Glen Miller played, jokes that made the hit parade ...

A new study claims that letting your mind wander can put you in a bad mood.  Did I leave the iron on?  Still pissed about the LOST finale.  Dude, get out of my way or I’ll kick you in the neck.

A London family had on old Chinese vase in their house for decades, and it recently sold for over $83 million.  I have some fortune cookies and chopsticks from our local Chinese restaurant that are at least that old.  Let’s start the bidding at $5 million.  Do I hear $5 million?

Saudi Arabia has blocked Facebook because it doesn't conform with the kingdom's conservative values.  If that’s the case, MySpace should prepare to be taken out and shot.

Celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsay claims that his Mother In Law told his wife to leave him.  This marks the first time ever that a Mother In law hasn’t liked her daughters choice of a husband.  Ever.  Never happened before.  Are these celebrities really THAT detached from reality?

President Obama said the United States is "here to stay" as a force in Asia.  He then ripped off his shirt, called China “A frilly little girl,” and challenged Japan to a steel cage death match.

GM has reportedly received $60 billion in orders for it’s upcoming IPO.  Keeping with GM’s traditional business model, they’ve already budgeted $90 billion in spending.

In his new book, Former President George W Bush says the only thing he misses about The White House is “the pampering.”  Hearing this, Bill Clinton said “You did that too?”

Denver Broncos linebacker DJ Williams was arrested for DUI, and in response the team has taken away his Team Captain status and said he won’t start this coming Sunday.  Man, when the other NFL players see that staggering consequence, they’re SURE to clean up their acts!

Justin Beiber’s new song “Pray” debuted online.  Why not?  Online is where all of the pedophiles hang out.

The FBI says they have a recording of a married pair of Maryland county officials, with the husband telling the wife to stuff almost $80,000 in cash in her underwear.  Damn, how frickin’ big were those Granny-Panties?

Qantas airlines is keeping its flagship superjumbos on the ground more than a week after a frightening midair engine disintegration.  Dustin Hoffman is reportedly beside himself.

British Space Geeks and IAMSPARTACUS

The U.S. Post Office lost $8.5 billion last year. That’s dollars, not Pesos or Beanie Babies or Jonas Brothers; $8.5 BILLION.  How much longer are we going to carry this relic of the Old West?  Seriously, when was the last time you received anything of value via the post office, outside of those oblong things that come in plain brown wrappers?  My mailbox is stuffed daily with credit card offers and appeals from my alma mater for money.  Both of which, incidentally, could save millions of dollars by not mailing out these stupid things.  Hey University Of Dayton, don’t get me wrong I love you, but I haven’t given you money since I graduated ... what makes you think this is the year? (It’s not) Back to The Post Office, though; we’ve been divesting ourselves of old technology over the past decade, like VHS, dirty magazines, and Nancy Pelosi, and I think it’s time to take Old Posty out back and ... send him to meet Old Yeller, if you get my drift.  We no longer have phonographs, ride horses, or use cameras that require you to duck under a big black hood (although those were pretty cool if you think about it), so why are we holding onto a method of communication that no one uses anymore?  Email, Twitter, Facebook, tiny hidden cameras in her bedroom, THESE are the tools of 2010.  If the government sold The Post Office to U.P.S. or Fedex, think of the money they’d save. 

Nah.  Makes too much sense.

See more of me including my commercial reel & promo videos at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by mailing me nude pics of Rachael Ray.  Look up my address on the internet.

... joke joke joke, another one rides the jokes.  joke joke joke, another rides the jokes. and another comes on and another comes on, another ones rides the jokes...hey!  he’s gonna sit by you! another one rides the jokes ...

Cartoonist Jim Davis apologized for a Garfield strip some veterans may have found offensive.  However, Davis continues to refuse to to apologize for offending the activist group “We Love Mondays.”

In response to the UK’s “Twitter-Joke” trial, the AP counted 5,000 tweets carrying the "IAmSpartacus" tag.  Which ranks it as the 5,000,009th most popular tag, tied with “CookingWithWolfDung” and way behind #1 “Boobs.”  Seriously? 5,000 tweets?  My left nut could get 5,000 tweets.

US researchers unveiled the secret of how cats lap water or milk with such elegance, a phenomenon that happens so fast it cannot be followed by human eyes.  Thus far, 88.6 million wives have forwarded the study to their husbands.  OR  Nah, government spending isn’t out of control.  This is a GOOD use of funds.  Definitely need higher taxes.  Definitely.

Three British space buffs attached a paper airplane and a camera to a helium balloon that soared twenty three miles above ground, and captured amazing images.  They rushed home to share the exciting news with their girlfriends before remembering none of them had ever had one.

The first Dennys Fast-Food Cafe opens today in Orange County, CA.  Emergency Room staff at Irvine Medical Center are bracing for a tsunami of “Moons Over My hammy” related incidents.

Wow, three days on a cruise ship with cold food and smelly bathrooms, what a human tragedy.  I’m sure the people in Haiti are very impressed.

Bad news: A new study says having a major acne problem may raise the risk of suicide.  Good news: It also severely lowers the chances of contracting an STD.

The Associated Press, NFL representatives, the NFL Players Association and the four equipment companies that make every helmet worn in the league agree there is no such thing as a helmet that eliminates concussions.  They also agree that the Bengals suck.

The Miami Heat’s offense looks strikingly similar to the Cleveland Cavaliers of last year.  Perhaps it wasn’t the teammates, LeBitch?

Minnesota Twins slugger Justin Morneau says he’s disappointed the club hasn't moved the outfield fences at Target Field to make it easier to homer.  Twins officials responded by faxing Morneau directions to the weight room.

The Catholic Bishops Conference released a statement saying that more exorcists are needed.  They also said the best exorcists are usually ten year old boys.  Blondes, mostly.  Good secret keepers with Spider Man jammies.  More of those, please.

With the election looming, Canada's two main political parties were deadlocked in the latest poll.  The “Nice And Friendly People” party garnered 50.2%, while the “People So Sickeningly Nice You Just Want To Punch Them In The Face” party had 49.8%.

Kanye West cancelled his upcoming appearance on “The Today Show.”  In response, plans to SuperGlue Matt Lauer’s microphone to his hand have been scrapped.

HEADLINE: “Elton John sucked into EU corruption probe.”  With the sentence already containing “Elton,” “sucked,” and “probe,” I see no need for a further joke.

The EPA has issued a federal document subpoena to Halliburton.  An unnamed Halliburton executive offered to hand over the information, then invited the EPA on a hunting trip.

A construction crew in the south-central Chinese city of Changsha has completed a  fifteen story hotel in just six days.  The project was part of a new work initiative by the Chinese Government, called “Finish This Project In Less Than A Week Or We’ll Kill You.”

The operator of Wendy's and Arby's restaurants lost money in its third quarter, blaming it on higher cost for ingredients.  Others say it’s because their food tastes like reheated duck farts.  Seriously, cut the menu down to nothing but Frosty’s and Jamocha Shakes, then they can make money.

An EU Official said that Pakistan will see six more months of flood water.  He said this after seeing his shadow.

Amazon announced it will hire 15,000 workers for the holiday season.  Reportedly, 9,500 are under the age of ten and will be assigned to Amazon’s new “Secret Basement” division.

Bad news: The U.S. Post Office lost $8.5 billion last year.  Good news: Post Office shooting rampages were down nearly 7%.

Two intruders wearing Halloween masks climbed through a bedroom window of a Michigan home and attacked a man and his wife with knives.  That’s what you get for handing out black licorice and apples on Halloween, bitches.

A book fair in Miami has announced that attending authors will have a wide ranging discussion about Haiti.  Well, good.  That should take care of it.  You know the old saying “Nothing is over until authors discuss it.”

Rachael Ray, Grumpy The Clown, And Jurassic Mosquitos

This is the time of year we have to endure the annual “See, the BCS is GOOD for college football!  Everyone is talking about the sport now!” discussions.  Right, like there would be no talk about college football if there was a playoff system.  We’d all be discussing cricket, or muffins, or whether or not Rachael Ray is nailable ... when we all know that’s more of a springtime topic. (BTW: Yes ... think of the food related activities that ... nevermind) Now let me say this, this is America and everyone is entitled to their opinion, the right to vote, and the right to delude themselves into thinking they still look like they did when they were twenty.  Let me also say this, if you are pro-BCS you are  a moron who should have your toenails ripped off with a bread knife and covered in spicy brown mustard and Tang. There is less logic behind allowing sportswriters to decide who’s the best team in any given sport, than there was behind the popularity of Vanilla Ice.  It just ... makes ... no ... sense.  

Rachael.  Call me.  I use real butter.

See more of me including promo videos at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by passing this on to Rachael.  I’ll let you watch. (She’ll be cool with it)

... jokey jokes is painless, it brings on many changes ...

Recent evidence shows that “Night Owls” have higher IQs than “Early Birds.”  In an interview for the study, one Night Owl said “They’re up at the crack of dawn eating worms; by dawn we’re nine hours into hot sex and Goldschlager shots.  Who’s smarter?  Duh.”

A German judge let forty-two speeders off without charges, because he thinks speed limits are nothing more than a device to make money.  A judge in Hollywood has annulled fifty celebrity marriages to trophy wives for the same reason.

Walt Disney Co. said net income fell 7% in the fiscal fourth quarter.  To bolster the company’s finances, Miley Cyrus is planning an even more whorish video shoot.

A 2,000-year-old tunnel under a temple at the famed Teotihuacan ruins in Mexico was explored by a camera wielding robot today.  There is no confirmation of the rumor that the robot disappeared and was later seen wearing an Oakland Raiders cap at the Home Depot parking lot in El Paso. OR  Stunningly, the tunnel led all the way to San Antonio.

Telecommunications companies have been given the go-ahead to stop mass-printing residential phone books.  This means drunken, shirtless redneck losers will have to go old school and smack their women around with their fists.

The head of Russia's deep cover U.S. spying operations has betrayed the network and defected.  Mikhail Baryshnikov’s house is on sale for $4 million.  Coincidence?  You decide.

Senator John Kerry sent President Obama a message Thursday that Congress will support a free trade deal with South Korea.  President Obama responded with a message that read “You’re still alive?”

A new study says that having oral sex is often a prelude to intercourse for American teens.  Unless she’s really good at it, then it’s a prelude to finding a towel and driving home in silence.  OR  The study also says that oral sex is often preceded by wild promises that you have absolutely no intention of keeping.

Some say that the edited gulf oil spill report has stained the credibility of the White House.  I disagree, no one in DC has had a shred of credibility in at least twenty years.

Examples of misspellings that will be accepted as votes for Lisa Murkowski in the Alaska Senate race are “Mukowski,” “Gore,” and “The Ugly Chick.”

Tiger Woods had a 69 in his latest round at the Australian Masters.  Apparently he also played some golf.

A politician in England has been arrested after allegedly posting a message on Twitter calling for a journalist to be stoned to death.  Alec Baldwin is reportedly watching this case closely.

More than 1 million cell phones in China have a virus that continually sends out text messages, costing the country’s citizens $300,000 a day.  Even worse, the texts include links for a free DVD rental of “Grown Ups.”

Scientists have released genetically modified mosquitoes in an experiment to fight dengue fever in the Cayman Islands.  I’m sure this will go off without a hitch.  I mean, when has messing with the natural order of the universe ever had horrifying unintended consequences?

Brazil is testing the literacy of “Grumpy The Clown” after he was elected to Congress.  I think they should be testing the literacy of anyone who voted for a guy in a full clown suit.