I’ve decided against an opening monologue today. What are you going to do about it? Seriously? Huh? Are you going to come to my house and rearrange my ottoman collection? Huh? Are you? Are you going to follow me around all week, singing the theme song to “Thundercats” excruciatingly loud in my ear? Huh? Are you? Are you going to go to my house when we’re away, rip up the bathroom floor, and install those little one-inch square tiles because you know that drives me bananas and I can’t stand on them in my bare feet for even two seconds without getting the willies especially if my feet are still a little wet from the shower and just thinking about it right now is making me cringe? Huh? Are you? Fine. FINE! If you’re going to be that big of a jerkface I’ll write a stupid opening monologue. Are you happy now? Huh? Are you?
Moral: Monologues come in all shapes and sizes. Not creeds though.
See more of me including TV appearances at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or in Miami where I’m trying out for the Dolphins QB position tomorrow. (They were remarkably impressed with the VHS game tape I showed them from 1987)
... joke joke ago, in a galaxy joke joke away ...
Songs by The Beatles are finally available on iTunes. Fans old enough to remember when the Fab Four took America by storm nearly fifty years ago are excited, asking “What’s iTunes?” OR My mother called today and asked how to install “this ringtone thing your father bought” into the big black phone on her kitchen wall.
The Supreme Court’s Stephen Breyer says the nine Justices must adapt to “the Facebook world.” Clarence Thomas agreed, then immediately joined the Facebook group “Showin’ Pubes To Your Assistant.” OR Five minutes later, Chief Justice John Roberts Tweeted “BS Breyer, Twitter Rules! FB is 4 wimps! I’ma Tweet all ovah yo backwoods ass, beyatch!”
New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan was elected president Tuesday of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops in a surprise win. Analysts credit Dolan’s win to his huge fundraising advantage in the all-important “ten year old secret-keeper” demographic.
Oksana Grigorieva told Larry King she recorded Mel Gibson that fateful night because she thought she was going to die right then. If anyone would understand that feeling, it’s Larry King.
The House Ethics Panel has found Charlie Rangel guilty of numerous violations. In keeping with Congressional tradition, nothing at all will ever, ever happen to him.
A Turkish car is a finalist in New York City’s Taxi of Tomorrow contest, and why not? They’re all going to smell like a Turkish bath house after a week anyway.
Los Angeles County has voted to ban plastic grocery bags. Gangs, hookers, and meth labs are still OK though. OR Half of the women in Hollywood panicked before it was clarified that plastic “funbags” are still A-OK.
Barbara Walters will interview The President and The First Lady next week. I’ll bet they both say they would be an Oak Tree.
A federally funded study revealed that women with stressful jobs are more prone to heart trouble than those in less stressful positions. That’s right, stressful jobs are more stressful than non-stressful ones. Nah, there NOWHERE to cut stupid wasteful federal spending. Nowhere. Higher taxes are definitely the answer.
Authorities in Indonesia revealed that 25% of prostitutes on the island of Bali are reported to be HIV-positive. Health experts say the best way to protect yourself is with condom usage. Yeah, that or maybe not bangin’ hookers in the first place. OR In response, Tahiti is offering 25% off all-inclusive vacations!
Scientists say that Giraffe-sized pterosaurs may have pole-vaulted with their arms to launch themselves. However, the study also says the pterosaurs sucked at the hammer-throw, and were virtually useless in the long jump.
A Japanese deep-space probe became the first ever to collect asteroid dust during a recent seven year trip. Unfortunately further study on the dust will be delayed until the TSA finishes tests to see if it’s really cocaine.
Bomb scares, kidnappings, strippers protesting churches, highway shootings ... hey friends in Ohio, why don’t you move someplace safe and sane like California?
After Prince William announced his engagement to longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton, reporters asked if his stepmother Camilla will be intimidated by having another female in the palace. William responded “Camilla’s a chick? Really? Wow.” OR Kate Middleton’s parents said they are “Absolutely delighted” that their daughter will marry Prince William. They’re also excited for their grandchild to be born in 6 1/2 months. OR An hour after the announcement, Elton John Tweeted “Crap ... guess I’m out of the running.” OR Asked for comment, Camilla pawed the floor with her hoof five times, and ate a sugar cube right out of the reporters hand. It was SO cute. OR In a reaction poll, most Americans responded “William ... is he the kind of pasty looking one or the REEEEALLY pasting looking one?” OR In a reaction poll, most Americans responded “Wait ... is she on Dancing With the Stars or Jersey Shore?” OR Reportedly, William proposed using the same ring his father gave to Princess Diana nearly thirty years ago. You know ... because THAT worked out so well.
Researchers say that a rare, but severe form of morning sickness may be hereditary. It most often happens to women who get knocked up by a drunk on Dollar Beer Night, and realize they inherited their taste in men from their mother.
The federal government is recommending that a small population of dolphins living near Hawaii be placed on the endangered species list. Meanwhile, the NFL is recommending that all Dolphin Quarterbacks also be placed on the endangered species list.
Nigeria's main militant group said it was behind an attack on an oil platform and had kidnapped seven Nigerian workers. The group also promised to knock it off if the government would simply unfreeze their royal assets.
The Pittsburgh City Council has banned nearly all types of drilling within the city limits. Hearing the news, Steelers QB Ben Roethlesberger immediately demanded a trade.