Monday, November 8, 2010

Lemon Flapjacks And Upchucking Models

Seems to me, you don’t want to talk about it.  Seems to me, you just turn your pretty head and walk away.  Boy, those words bring back memories; mostly of pretty girls walking away in silence.  (There is just no good time to grab a boob and make honking noises, is there?  I know one thing for sure, “when she’s taking your appetizer order” is definitely not the right time.  Man, if I knew then what I know now...maybe I wouldn’t have had spit in my lemon flapjacks) I will say this though, through the lens of experience and a slight astigmatism: if all of those pretty girls hadn’t walked away, I may never have met my wife.  Crap.
See more of me at, or by Googling those photos I took when I was Nineteen and broke.
...jokes are humorous collections of syllables...
Neil Diamond said he feels sorry for American Idol contestants.  No one heard at all, not even the chair.
According to Geologists, there are over twenty volcanoes showing increased activity around the globe.  D.C. spinmeisters are currently scrambling to find a way to use this to justify increasing our taxes.
More buildings inside the ancient Roman city of Pompeii could collapse.  Italy’s Culture Minister said reasons for this include shifting climate, an increase in mineral deposits in nearby mountains, and the fact that the city is 2,000 freaking years old.
Robert Gibbs threatened to pull President Obama from talks with the Indian Prime Minister after a press dispute.  Security forces directed Gibbs to the Indian help desk, strangely located in Texas. OR The entire population of Cleveland flooded radio airways with calls demanding Obama be replaced with Colt McCoy.
Ratings for the NYC Marathon were up this year.  I didn’t watch.  If I want to see anorexics throw up in the street, I’ll go hang around outside auditions for “America’s Next Top Model.”
Republican leadership is reportedly offering West Virginia Senator-Elect Joe Manchin pet projects and powerful committee positions if he would party-jump to the GOP.  Nice to see DC will no longer tolerate bribes or back room deals, and everything is changing so quickly!
MSBNC announced that Keith Olbermann will be back from his “indefinite suspension” and on the air Tuesday.  So now we know: “Indefinite” = “Two days.”  See, we don’t need the stupid metric system. OR Anyone else think Olbermann  just didn’t want to miss Conan’s first show?
Lindsay Lohan's experience at the Betty Ford Center has led her to want to open her own rehab facilities for other young troubled people.  She says that hers will have kickass DJ’s, 24 Happy Hours, and a special dedicated room just for blow.  OR Lindsay Lohan wants to open her own rehab facilities.  In related stories, Charlie Sheen will be opening a string of meditation centers, Randy Moss is going into the catering business, and Joy Behar will fund her own think-tank.
Rachel McAdams says that working with Harrison Ford was “intimidating.”  Reportedly he kept asking her if she wanted to see his huge slab of carbonite.
An adult bookstore in Michigan sold the winning $128 million powerball ticket.  The winner says he didn’t even know they sold tickets there, and had actually asked the clerk for a mansex movie called “$5 Power Balls.”  OR This prize will go unclaimed if the winner is married - no way will he publicly produce a receipt saying he bought Powerball tickets, a rubber fist, and a 64oz tube of Astro-Glide.
Anne Hathaway says she is “no fan” of the nude scenes she did with Jake Gyllenhaal.  People who have seen the movie say they are no fan of ANY of the scenes with Jake Gyllenhaal.
A recent study has found no creative streak in Neanderthals.  This may be true, but if you want a network TV deal, you still have to pitch your idea to them.   OR This fact, along with their 1-7 record, led the Dallas Cowboys to fire Wade Phillips today.

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