Thursday, November 11, 2010

Rachael Ray, Grumpy The Clown, And Jurassic Mosquitos

This is the time of year we have to endure the annual “See, the BCS is GOOD for college football!  Everyone is talking about the sport now!” discussions.  Right, like there would be no talk about college football if there was a playoff system.  We’d all be discussing cricket, or muffins, or whether or not Rachael Ray is nailable ... when we all know that’s more of a springtime topic. (BTW: Yes ... think of the food related activities that ... nevermind) Now let me say this, this is America and everyone is entitled to their opinion, the right to vote, and the right to delude themselves into thinking they still look like they did when they were twenty.  Let me also say this, if you are pro-BCS you are  a moron who should have your toenails ripped off with a bread knife and covered in spicy brown mustard and Tang. There is less logic behind allowing sportswriters to decide who’s the best team in any given sport, than there was behind the popularity of Vanilla Ice.  It just ... makes ... no ... sense.  
Rachael.  Call me.  I use real butter.
See more of me including promo videos at, or by passing this on to Rachael.  I’ll let you watch. (She’ll be cool with it)
... jokey jokes is painless, it brings on many changes ...
Recent evidence shows that “Night Owls” have higher IQs than “Early Birds.”  In an interview for the study, one Night Owl said “They’re up at the crack of dawn eating worms; by dawn we’re nine hours into hot sex and Goldschlager shots.  Who’s smarter?  Duh.”
A German judge let forty-two speeders off without charges, because he thinks speed limits are nothing more than a device to make money.  A judge in Hollywood has annulled fifty celebrity marriages to trophy wives for the same reason.
Walt Disney Co. said net income fell 7% in the fiscal fourth quarter.  To bolster the company’s finances, Miley Cyrus is planning an even more whorish video shoot.
A 2,000-year-old tunnel under a temple at the famed Teotihuacan ruins in Mexico was explored by a camera wielding robot today.  There is no confirmation of the rumor that the robot disappeared and was later seen wearing an Oakland Raiders cap at the Home Depot parking lot in El Paso. OR  Stunningly, the tunnel led all the way to San Antonio.
Telecommunications companies have been given the go-ahead to stop mass-printing residential phone books.  This means drunken, shirtless redneck losers will have to go old school and smack their women around with their fists.
The head of Russia's deep cover U.S. spying operations has betrayed the network and defected.  Mikhail Baryshnikov’s house is on sale for $4 million.  Coincidence?  You decide.
Senator John Kerry sent President Obama a message Thursday that Congress will support a free trade deal with South Korea.  President Obama responded with a message that read “You’re still alive?”
A new study says that having oral sex is often a prelude to intercourse for American teens.  Unless she’s really good at it, then it’s a prelude to finding a towel and driving home in silence.  OR  The study also says that oral sex is often preceded by wild promises that you have absolutely no intention of keeping.
Some say that the edited gulf oil spill report has stained the credibility of the White House.  I disagree, no one in DC has had a shred of credibility in at least twenty years.
Examples of misspellings that will be accepted as votes for Lisa Murkowski in the Alaska Senate race are “Mukowski,” “Gore,” and “The Ugly Chick.”
Tiger Woods had a 69 in his latest round at the Australian Masters.  Apparently he also played some golf.
A politician in England has been arrested after allegedly posting a message on Twitter calling for a journalist to be stoned to death.  Alec Baldwin is reportedly watching this case closely.
More than 1 million cell phones in China have a virus that continually sends out text messages, costing the country’s citizens $300,000 a day.  Even worse, the texts include links for a free DVD rental of “Grown Ups.”
Scientists have released genetically modified mosquitoes in an experiment to fight dengue fever in the Cayman Islands.  I’m sure this will go off without a hitch.  I mean, when has messing with the natural order of the universe ever had horrifying unintended consequences?
Brazil is testing the literacy of “Grumpy The Clown” after he was elected to Congress.  I think they should be testing the literacy of anyone who voted for a guy in a full clown suit.

1 comment:

  1. A hahahaha...I'm not sure why, but the robot w/ the Raiders cap in the Home Depot parking lot makes me laugh REALLY loud!