Tomorrow is election day in the U.S. So Wednesday one side will claim victory, the other side will claim it wasn’t that big of a victory and actually if you really think about it it’s THEIR victory, and the media will claim they are not biased while reporting everything in the most vile and biased manner possible. In other words, no matter what happens - NOTHING WILL CHANGE. Please understand, I’m not attacking America. This cycle of stupidity is not an American creation, and it’s not even a creation of the political parties, despite what we’ve been told by the completely-no-really unbiased media, as well as our ultra-intelligent and oh-so-informed-and-openminded friends on social media websites (After all, who knows more about CIA operations in Burma than @ofuckernuts69?). No no no, this is simply a continuation of those with power taking advantage of those without power, which has been going on since the beginning of time; the only difference now is that the currency of power happens to be...well, currency. Some people will be emotionally charged by whatever happens tomorrow, convinced that whether there are more people with R’s or D’s next to their name in Congress really makes a difference. I, on the other hand, know that R’s & D’s are on the same team and are simply wearing different colored uniforms for an intra-squad scrimmage, so I’ll be pantsless and looking forward to the next episode of Family Guy - laughter, baby.
So I guess what I’m saying is, we should all listen to psychiatrist Sidney Freedman from M*A*S*H*, whose words are as true today as they were thirty-plus years ago: “Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice; pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.”
PS I’m rooting for the San Francisco Giants, not because I really care, but because my uncle in Carmel Valley CA has been a Giants fan since his drug-hazed defection from Cleveland to California in 1975, and if they win he’ll be happy. Family.
See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by joining my no-pant revolution.
...jokes jokes jokes...
A group of drug experts released a report saying that alcohol is more dangerous for you than crack or heroin. The study was funded by a grant from “SheenCo.” OR This is undeniably true. Crack and Heroin lead to lives in the gutter. Alcohol can lead to kids, and in extreme cases even marriage.
Reports say the mail bombs found in Yemen were four times larger than the one in the Underwear bomber from last Christmas. Proving once again a huge package means nothing if you can’t deliver it.
According to the CDC, a cholera outbreak in Haiti matches strains commonly found in Asia. See, the Chinese are taking over EVERYTHING.
Airline passengers in New York welcomed stricter safety rules that went into effect on Monday. Most surveyed said it would make planes safer, and excluding certain passengers would more importantly make it easier to get First Class upgrades.
Greek police intercepted a booby-trapped parcel addressed to French President Nicolas Sarkozy on Monday. The parcel had been sent via the U.S. Post Office, which explains why a package meant for France ended up in Greece.
Space.com says the first human space-mining operation will likely take place on the moon, thanks to its ample supply of water ice. A secondary benefit will be restocking the world supply of green cheese. Apparently these people have given NO thought whatsoever to how this will anger the giant beings who live on the moon’s dark side.
New York City has a new pier that stretches 1,000 feet into the Hudson River. Oh great, NOW where are USAir flights going to land?
Bad news: The publisher of The National Enquirer said it will file for bankruptcy in two weeks. Good news: “Bat Boy” has found love!
Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chairman Chris Van Hollen predicted today that his party would retain control of the House. Van Hollen then got into his DeLorean and flux-capacitored his way back to 2008, where he was proven correct.
The TSA has sent experts to Yemen in response to the attempted bombings. At this point it is unclear how experts in “standing around talking while pretending you don’t notice the line is growing incredibly long and out of control” are going to help with security. OR Experts? From the TSA? Experts on what? Procrastinating? Taking breaks? Stealing cash?
The volcano in Indonesia has erupted again. Seriously, will somebody throw a freaking virgin in there already?
Bad news: Tropical Storm Tomas is headed for Haiti. Good news: Sean Penn has challenged the storm to a fistfight.
The NFL’s Sunday Night Football game earned higher TV ratings than the World Series. Experts say this is due to an aging baseball fan base, a shortening of Americans attention spans, and lingering nausea from Justin Beiber’s Game 3 appearance.
Thousands of European iPhone users were late to work after the device's alarm clock feature failed to adjust to Daylight Saving Time. After getting an extra hour of sleep, one iPhone user said “See, sometimes AT&T is better than Verizon.” OR Employees of the U.S. federal government have already made notes in their iPhones to remember this excuse come springtime.
Logitech has released a solar-powered wireless keyboard. Odd, since most people who use a wireless keyboard long enough to run out the batteries rarely see the sun.
Some are saying contraception will be provided under the new health care bill. Some say the “morning-after pill” may be provided as well. Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to legalize prostitution?
A mortgage company that advertised home loans with low initial "teaser rates" will pay $1.15 million to Arizona to settle a lawsuit. Reportedly they will pay $50,000 a month for the first year, with the payments resetting annually after that. At least that’s what they think the settlement says.
Christine O'Donnell says a local cable TV station did not show a 30-minute political ad her campaign had paid for and scheduled. O’Donnell said she would get the TV station. Their little dog, too. OR Oddly, after not being on TV for a full day, O’Donnell surged in the polls. Hmmm...
Qatar’s energy minister said recently that natural gas will become more "desirable" than other energy sources including renewables, nuclear and fossil fuel. In a completely, totally, no really we swear not at all related story, Qatar is set to announce the discovery of the world’s largest natural gas field under it’s soil.
The 2-5 Minnesota Vikings have waived wide receiver Randy Moss. What can we deduce from this? Next summer we can expect another “Which Super Bowl contender will sign Brett Favre” circus. No WAY is Favre going to retire after a year like this.
Nissan has unveiled a tiny electric concept vehicle that seats two and has open sides. Congratulations Nissan, you’ve invented the golf cart.
Charlie Sheen filed for divorce, citing “irreconcilable differences.” His wife counter-filed, citing “batshit crazy coke-headedness.”