Saturday, October 30, 2010

Christmas And Punching John Elway In The Nuts

We’re heading into the holiday season and that makes me happy.  It’s the time of year where people don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I can walk down the street in my Christmas sweater, smelling of Gingerbread with that red & green decorative sugar in my hair.  They look at me like I’m crazy because I’m not wearing pants and usually babbling excited incoherent sentences involving the words “sugarplums” and “FrankenBerries.”  (Hey, you make Christmas treats your way, I’ll make them mine)  I’m a big Christmas fan, folks, and I won’t apologize for it.  I also won’t apologize for punching John Elway in the nuts if I ever meet him.  Still pissed about 1986...and 1987...and 1989.  Jackass.  
Back to Christmas.  
In all seriousness, this year I’m making a vow to give something every day between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Will you join me?  It doesn’t have to be something you buy, it can be a kind word, a hug, or a  simple “Dude, you have something in your teeth.”  Since I became a father I’ve learned that giving is way better than receiving around Christmas.  Will you join me?  Will you at least remove your pants in public?  I don’t want to be the only one pantsless at the Rockefeller Center Tree lighting...again.
See more of me at, or at the aforementioned tree lighting ceremony.
...pokes rhymes with jokes...
Russian President Dmitry Medvedev will sign agreements to help build Vietnam's first nuclear power plant, and President Obama said he didn’t understand the move.  Medvedev replied “I do not expect you to understand, Mr Bond...I mean Mr Obama, I expect you to die!”
A Russian cargo ship delivered a healthy Halloween treat of fresh fruit to the crew of the International Space Station today.  As is the custom when receiving anything other than candy on Halloween, the astronauts will hurl the fruit at Russia’s house on their next pass.
Citizens of Peru were offended by a Columbian character on “Modern Family” last week, who claimed her country was civilized, not like “a bunch of Peruvians!”  The citizens released a statement that read “This type of slur is unacceptable against our wonderful country.  I mean, it’s not like we’re a bunch of savage Bolivians or something.”
Ron Howard says he will not cut a gay joke from the film “The Dilemma.”  Howard says he is prepared for backlash from the gay community, as well as the whoopin’ he may take from Aunt Bea.
A recent mouse study has revealed a cancer cell “escape route.”  Reportedly, the route goes through the maze, over the mini-suspension ridge and through the red plastic tube, then escapes through the cheese. OR A joint protest about why all of the research funds are going to mouse studies was organized by Al Sharpton and a Mister D. Duck.
Dianne Feinstein has denounced Prop 19 - the marijuana legalization measure - as a “dangerous experiment.”  Feinstein should not be hurt by this, since she made the declaration on a Saturday morning when most Prop 19 supporters are watching cartoons.
Security forces discovered “explosive packages” in Yemen yesterday.  Misunderstanding the press release, over 50,000 men in West Hollywood reportedly registered at  
A judge in New York has ruled that a six year old can indeed be sued.  Stay tuned to this page for updates on the newly filed case “Stephen Thomas v Screaming Brat On American Airlines Flight 384 Who Kicked The Back Of My Seat For Nine Hours.”
Vikings receiver Randy Moss was fined $25,000 this week for not speaking to the media.  In retrospect it was a smart move, as Moss has been fined WAY more in the past for saying stupid things to the media.
The latest Miss World is from The United States.  The winner cried as she was crowned, and other contestants smiled broadly and hugged her while whispering words under their breath that rhyme with “bitch.”
Yemeni police arrested a woman in connection with the terror plot yesterday.  She was arrested not for making or mailing the bombs, but for being a woman who drove them to the post office without a male escort. 
Betty White recently told Parade magazine that she likes older men.  She was later arrested for necrophilia.  
A new study say that chronic constipation is increasing among children.  Researchers published the findings in a paper titled “No Shit.”
U.S. Representative Michele Bachman is proposing a Constitution class for all newly elected members of Congress.  No word on whether Congressman Turner or Senator Overdrive will help her take care of business.
The U.S. Post Office said it will not accept or deliver any mail from Yemen, due to the attempted terror attack.  They also said they probably won’t deliver any mail from Nebraska either, but that’s just because they’re the post office.
Hurricane Shary is passing to the east of Bermuda.  Bermuda is pretending not to notice, as he used to date Shary and it ended badly.
In the fallout from the Yemeni terror plot, we’ve learned that there is a plant in Yemen that keeps a person high for up to six hours at a time. why are they so pissed, again?  OR Knowing this, the U.S. Military is launching “Operation Scooby Snack” in Yemen.
Rebels in the Central African Republic have abducted twenty-one census agents updating voters' rolls for forthcoming elections.  Somewhere, ACORN activists are writing this down...

1 comment:

  1. Mssr. You working. Sam the Sarcastic had JimmyFallon follow him back! We are getting better. And he doesn't even have 15 years as a standup. Heck Sam doesn't have ANY years as a standup.