Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/20

I’m trembling with anticipatory anticipation today, folks.  Not only because it’s eleven days to The Great Pumpkin, thirty days until my Hawaiian family vacation, and eighty-six days until “The Incredibly Hot and Bi-Curious Nymphomaniacs With Suppressed Gag Reflexes Tribe” makes me their only male member and crowns me their no no.  I’m trembling because I get to go home tomorrow.  Show bidness wears on you after awhile, or at least it wears on me.  The road part of it, anyway.  We perform for free; we earn our money for being away from family & friends for loooong stretches.  As much as I love the “on stage” part of my job, I’m ready to go home.  My lovely wife, if you’re reading this: brace yourself.  Everyone else remember, this blog is best read pantsless.
As always, see more of me at, or on
...jokes to follow...
Pete Rose says he finally understands what former baseball Commissioner Bart Giamatti meant when he talked about reconfiguring his life.  Rose also says odds are probably 4-1 against him ever being reinstated.
A new study says that a growing number of throat cancer cases in men are linked to oral sex.  I don’t know...something about this study smells kind of fishy.  OR  A similar study shows that a growing number of women owning Mercedes in Hollywood is ALSO linked to oral sex.  OR The study also says that this doesn’t hold true for men in Australia and New Zealand.  In a related story, 50,000 women in Australia and New Zealand filed for divorce today.
Federal authorities say a TSA security screening supervisor stole as much as $700 a day from travelers passing through his airport checkpoint.  In other shocking news that no one could possibly have predicted since the day the TSA was created, the sun rose in the east, the Cleveland Browns lost, and men like big boobs.
For the first time, three out of five Paul Cezanne card-player paintings have been reunited in a new London exhibition.  The only two missing are “Bulldog With Ace Up His Sleeve” and “Holy Crap Is Phil Hellmuth A Crybaby!”
The US Military has been ordered by federal courts to accept openly gay applicants.  Well, at least there’s one job possibility for Steven Slater.
A new report calls on NASA to establish a Planetary Defense Coordination Office to lead national and international efforts in protecting Earth against impacts by asteroids and comets.  Am I the only one reminded of Homer Simpson urging Mayor Quimby to establish The Springfield Bear Patrol?
The Consumer Product Safety Commission said they won't set mandatory limits for the toxic metal Cadmium in children’s jewelry, instead allowing a private-sector group to draft voluntary limits.  Similarly, the FDA will allow the brothers of Delta Tau Chi to set voluntary limits on the amount of Tequila that can be pumped into an unknowing co-ed on a Saturday night.
Physicists hope next year to begin proving the existence of science-fiction concepts like parallel universes and extra dimensions.  They also hope to talk their wives into letting them have a long “guys weekend” in Vegas.  Both ideas seem just as likely to happen.  OR  Developers are thrilled with the idea of new markets to build Starbucks.  OR  Hopefully one of the parallel worlds will have an ending to LOST that makes sense.  OR  In an even MORE unlikly endeavor, they also hope to figure out what the hell women want.
Jean-Claude Van Damme has suffered a minor heart attack on the set of his action film "Weapon.”  Reportedly Van Damme began feeling chest pain while trying to pronounce the word “Deuteronomy.” 
The United States wants Group of 20 finance chiefs to commit to allowing market forces to set currency values and will discuss using targets for trade to measure progress, a senior U.S. Treasury Department official said on Wednesday.  In other news no one cares about, there are apparently nine other guys on the Miami Heat’s roster.  OR In other news no one can possibly comprehend, Joy Behar is still on the air. 
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have unearthed a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe.  As the announcement was being made,  the door was knocked on and cracked by a Jehovah’s Witness.
A new study says that Community Colleges are not preparing students for the future workplace.  On the contrary; I say that two years of smoke breaks, inappropriate sexual relationships, and demanding passing grades and perks despite late and substandard work prepares them PERFECTLY for government work or any Union in America.
Mark Twain is back on the best seller list with a published memoir, over 100 years after his death.  The remarkable achievement is a bit watered down, when you consider that his current competition is Bill O’Reilly, Jon Stewart, and Snooki.
A new report says that the end of the Earth may not occur Dec 21, 2012 as predicted in the Mayan calendar.  This news has sent men who promised to get married Dec 20, 2012 scrambling for postponement excuses.
Pope Benedict has named twenty-four new Cardinals.  St Louis manager Tony LaRussa said “That’s nice and everything, but I still have final roster approval.”
The Crystal Cathedral megachurch in Southern California has filed for bankruptcy.  They are also trying to change their name to “The Cubic Zirconia Cathedral.”
Large areas of the planet could experience extreme drought within the next thirty years unless greenhouse gas emissions are cut, according to a study released Tuesday.  The study comes from many of the same groups who thirty years ago told us that England wouldn’t exist today due to starvation and famine.  Excuse me while I fart with derision.
Virginia Thomas is demanding an apology from Anita Hill for accusing her husband, Clarence Thomas, of sexual harassment during his Supreme Court hearings.  Hey, while we’re dredging up stuff from 1991, how about an apology from Kevin Costner for “Robin Hood, Prince Of Thieves?”  Or Bruce Willis for “Hudson Hawk?”  Can we just go beat Woody Allen senseless for “Scenes From A Mall?”  please?
The Broadway theater community has lent their support to anti-gay bullying measures with what they do best: messages from the heart and the performance of an uplifting song.  Sadly, immediately following the song the theater folks were beaten up by a roving gang of high school football players.
New, longer-lasting treatments for addiction to heroin or other narcotics may remove some day-to-day uncertainty of care: A once-a-month shot is now approved and a six-month implant is in the final testing phase.  California gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown says “Man, if you get the shot, shotgun two beers and do a J, it REALLY cranks your buzz!”
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