I took my family to Disneyland yesterday. Tomorrow I fly out at 6:50AM, with three connections and a four hour layover in flaming buttcrack Mexico, to join a ship where I won’t perform until Saturday night. The yin and yang of show business, ladies and gentlemen. For Halloween I’m going as a slutty test pilot.
See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or in the mens room at the flaming buttcrack Mexico airport tomorrow afternoon.
...dese is da jokes...
Afghan President Hamid Karzai said Monday that once or twice a year Iran gives his office $700,000 to $975,000 for official presidential expenses - and that Washington also provides "bags of money" because his office lacks funds. See, they ARE learning the American way of government!
South Park had to apologize for stealing some dialogue for its recent parody episode of Inception. Why didn’t they just call it “sampling” like they do in hip-hop?
Steve Jobs said tech reporters who bring PC laptops to Apple events will no longer be permitted entrance. In a related story, George Lucas said that Trek reporters who bring phasers to lightsaber events would no longer be permitted entrance. Attempting to follow along, Jerry Brown said all of his remaining campaign appearances would be BYOB.
Officials say that as the bedbug problems grow in New York City, tourists are canceling plans to visit The Big Apple. Really? Of all the things in NYC that could scare you away, it’s freaking bed bugs that’s the final straw?
When the San Francisco Giants returned home from winning the NLCS in Philadelphia, thousands of people lined the streets with noisemakers, wearing crazy costumes, and shouting with joy in an all-night party. On a local TV station, one of the partiers said “It’s Thursday! YEAH!!! What, was there a ballgame or something?
Clint Eastwood recently said he is “not a fan” of President Obama. In a retort, The President said he thought Gran Torino was “way overrated.” DC insiders say the ultra-intelligent gang from The View is being called in to mediate.
George W. Bush is giving the first one-on-one television interview about his presidency since leaving the White House to NBC News' Matt Lauer. Asked how his network got the interview, Lauer said “Lost a footrace to CBS.”
A Tampa woman who was plagued by uncontrollable hiccups for months is charged in the killing of a man during a robbery. Police first suspected the woman after the victim said the robber pointed a gun at her and said “Give (hic) me (hic) all the (hic) money, jack(hic)ass!!!”
Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Jerramy Stevens has been released by the team after being arrested and charged with possession of marijuana. NFL insiders say the Cincinnati Bengals have offered Stevens a max contract sight-unseen.
A new study suggests that taking a low dose of aspirin may reduce the risk of developing colon cancer. The study was funded by a large grant from the “Ow-lay Ose-day spirina-ay orporation-cay.”
The NFL said Monday that players responded well to the new anti-violence rules and played cleanly. Hopefully they will respond as well next weekend to the new rules requiring skirts and matching handbags.
President Obama said that after the mid-term elections, he expects to work more closely with Republicans in Congress on all legislation. In other words, President Obama said that after the mid-term elections, he expects the Republicans to control the Congress.
Democratic candidate for Governor of Rhode Island Frank Caprio said today that President Obama “can shove it” for not endorsing him in the race. Caprio went on to say he ain’t workin’ here no more, and that his woman done left and took all the reason he was workin’ for.
Good news: Sales of exiting homes rose this month. Bad news: Sales of homes that don’t exist remained at all-time lows.