There are relatively few things that get me hopping mad, mostly because I don’t like hopping. Up and down, up and down, there seems little point. I’d rather sit in a chair with a Macallan and no pants while listening to Sinatra, it brings me great joy. That being said, I do get my dander up on occasion. Cruelty towards the mentally challenged gets me frosty pissed, as does pseudo-intellectual arrogance, anyone intentionally upsetting my wife and daughter, and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Other than that there’s not much that I consider dander-raising worthy. Why am I writing about this? Well, for six more days we have to endure idiots telling us how stupid we are for not agreeing with them politically on every minute point in the universe. I’d like to punch them in the nuts, because - and I want everyone out there to hear this - ALL of them in DC are lying, thieving scumbags. Cheerleading for “your side” doesn’t make you open minded, it makes you even stupider than those you profess to be stupid. THAT level of maladjusted moron being manipulated makes me hopping mad. Well..I’m still not hopping, because I have no pants. Hopping might hurt...things.
See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by hopping up and peeking through my bedroom window.
...jokey joke jokertons follow...
The New York Mets have hired Sandy Alderson as their new General Manager. Showing their usual patience, Mets fans flooded the radio airwaves with calls this morning, asking why he hasn’t won a game yet and demanding his resignation.
The Hollywood Walk Of Fame will bury a time capsule today. Experts say that when opened in fifty years, the Lindsay Lohan items included should still hold 80% of their medicinal value.
Good news: Garth Brooks will play a benefit concert for flood victims in Tennessee. Bad news: Brooks doesn’t see the irony of opening a flood benefit with “Friends In Low Places.”
Volcanoes on Russia’s Kamchatka Peninsula erupted and spewed massive clouds of ash and smoke into the air. This was first reported by Sarah Palin, who saw the Russian eruptions from her house.
New Jersey Devils defenseman Matt Corrente has suffered a broken left hand. This puts him at a distinct disadvantage in hockey, as his opponents know in advance that every punch will be a right.
New reports say parents are worried their kids are spending too much time online, and barely know how to interact face to face anymore. This according to an email I received this morning titled “FW:FW:You HAVE To Read This! FW: Gr8t 4 Prnts! FW:FW:”
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have announced they are expecting a baby. I’d like to be among the first to congratulate them on their future child star turned problem teen turned Where Are They Now Entry turned B-movie comeback turned drug rehab resident turned Dancing WIth The Stars Season Fifty-Two contestant. Mazel Tav!
General Motors and Chrysler announced plans to invest millions of dollars in U.S. plants to build new small cars. Two hours later, General Motors and Chrysler announced recalls on those cars for faulty brake wiring.
China's panda population is booming this year thanks to a record number of births in captivity. Chinese authorities seem unconcerned that an inordinate amount of the Panda cubs are making noises that sound like “Giggity Giggity!”
Two Civil War-era dolls thought to have been used to smuggle medicine past Union blockades were X-rayed Wednesday, but no drugs or remnants of drugs were found. Authorities would not comment on the rumor that they did find fingerprints matching Charlie Sheen.
Some of the country's businesses who emit large amounts of heat-trapping gases are keeping secrets about exactly how much they pollute, and it has members of Congress fighting mad. This according to a Congressman who requested anonymity, while leaking the information after a secret closed-door off-the-record meeting on the Hill about this and other topics that can’t be discussed. He then got into his donated Jaguar and headed to his private jet for a fact-finding week at a secret caribbean location.
The original document with the thirteen rules of basketball, written by James Naismith when he invented the game, is going up for auction December 10. In a stunning discovery that proves what a visionary Naismith was, one of the thirteen rules says “LeBron James Is A Bitch.”
As auto sales in the country surge, Chinese authorities have agreed to promote electric cars to address the country's intensifying energy and pollution concerns. Reporting on the story, Anderson Cooper said “This despite the fact that everyone knows electric cars are gay.”
Time travel enthusiasts are claiming there is a woman talking into a cellphone in the background of Charlie Chaplin's 1928 film "The Circus." The strongest proof has come from lip readers who have seen the clip, and claim the woman is saying “Hello? Hello..can you...can you hear me? Mom? Fuckin’ AT&T!!! Hello?”
A new study say that too much exposure to the sun and its ultraviolet rays can lead to skin cancer, eye damage and other health problems. In other news from 1985, Back To The Future topped the box office for the second consecutive week.
Christine O'Donnell has named her campaign manager to the position of treasurer, making him her fifth treasurer since launching her bid for Senate last year. O’Donnell said she hopes the two can work together and finally get their hands on those Ruby Slippers.
Michelle Obama said in a recent interview that adults can help address the problem of bullying if they lead by example. She then challenged adults to do so, saying “Come on, what are you, scared? A big scaredy cat? Huh? I’ll kick your ass if you don’t lead by example, bitches! Come on! Lead! (chanting) Adults are chiiiicken...adults are chiiiicken!”
The death toll in Indonesia has topped 400, making it the second worst disaster of the week. The biggest? Journalistic integrity at Gawker.
College tuition costs are rising again this fall. Apparently the elite of academia, who regularly lecture the citizens of a country with 10% unemployment about “cutting back” and our responsibilities to “give back to the community,” can’t continue in their lifetime tenured positions without a cost-of-living raise.