Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/6

I have recently been accused of writing this blog for the sole purpose of trying to get women to send me nude photos of themselves.  This is categorically untrue, those photos are simply a by-product.  A wonderful, wonderful by-product.  My main reason for the blog is to get a high-paying comedy writing job in Hollywood, where I make enough money to run around naked in public and buy my way out of it like a real celebrity.  THEN the women will want to send me the nude photos of themselves.  Don’t put the cart before the penis, people.

As always you can see more of me at or if you follow me into the gym locker room or a phone booth.
An Atlanta federal judge's relationship with a stripper started with a lap dance and quickly escalated into escapades of prostitution and gun-toting drug deals for cocaine and prescription pills.  Or as it’s called in Hollywood: Thursday.  OR In an interview, the judge said “At the end of all of this I can say without a doubt, no matter what you do, there is NO sex in the champagne room.”
Guatemala on Wednesday issued a formal request for full disclosure on how US scientists deliberately infected hundreds of people here with sexually transmitted diseases from 1946-1948.  The US sent a message back that began “Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much...”
Charlie Brown and the rest of the Peanuts gang turn sixty this year.  There is apparently no truth to the rumor that, in an attempt to “hip” the cartoon to the current generation of kids during new adventures, Lucy goes to jail for sibling battery and abuse, The Little Red Haired Girl becomes a groupie and gets knocked up by Schroeder, and the neighborhood parents are investigated for constantly leaving the children alone to fend for themselves on national holidays.
A new federal law is attempting to make colleges and universities more transparent in their estimates and listings of costs.  Some of the new categories of fees now available for all to see include “Rehab costs for the drugged out, tenured philosophy reject professor who thinks it’s still 1968,” “Slush fund to hush-up co-ed pregnancies by the horndog softball coach,” and “Vegas research grant...unspecified.”
A surprise Tiger cub was born at the Frankfurt zoo in Germany.  The two surprising things about the birth are that the mother was previously thought to be infertile, and that the cub kind of looks like Tiger Woods.
Scientists on Wednesday unveiled more than 200 new species discovered in Papua New Guinea.  Among the most amazing species are a white-tailed mouse, a tiny, long-snouted frog, and people who give a flying fart about this kind of announcement.
Officials in the Philippines have said that anyone singing the national anthem incorrectly faces a $2,000 fine and up to two years in prison.  Later, the US Justice Department retroactively applied for the death penalty for Carl Lewis (Lewis and his famous 1993 version of The Star Spangled Banner here) 

CNN's new talk show Spitzer-Parker has debuted to low viewership and scathing reviews, with comments ranging from "unbearable" to "icky" and "obnoxious".  In a silver lining, Spitzer did quite well in the 18-22 year old homewrecking skank demographic.
According to a recent survey, men think women are having orgasms during intercourse more than they actually are.  According to a similar study, women think men care about this more than they actually do.
A new study say that giving mouth-to-mouth during CPR doesn’t deliver the benefits previously believed.  Unless the person needing CPR is a totally hot chick, of course.  Then it’s the best thing ever.
Bayer is researching a new drug that will help older women have and enjoy sex more.  As I understand it that drug already exists, it’s called “Lots Of Beer For Young Guys.”
The fate of the polygamist family featured in the TLC show "Sister Wives" is now in the hands of county prosecutors, and many questions remain unanswered.  The biggest mystery remains why he’s nailing the chubby one.
The guy who owns the note to Octomom's home is now threatening to publicly humiliate” Nadya Suleman if she doesn't pay off her massive debt in three days.  Uuh, does this guy think it’s still possible to humiliate this shameless skank? If he can pull off that herculean task, maybe we should give him a crack at fixing the economy.
Chuck Schumer was recently voted the most popular Senator in the US.  In awards of similar prestige, Chloe was voted “Smartest Kardashian,” Al Roker was voted “Wackiest Weatherman,” “ and Candi - with her neck bruises and C-section scar - was voted “Hottest Day-Shift Stripper.”
Researchers claim to have unearthed a "hidden" language spoken by only about 1,000 people, in the remote northeast corner of India.  A full announcement is pending, and they say it’s going to be eally-ray antastic-fay.  OR The language, for now known only as “Computer Service Center,” is difficult to translate, since they only speak one or two words, then play “hold” music for fifteen.
Ruby Tuesday Inc. said its net income rose in its fiscal first quarter as revenue improved for the restaurant chain. A spokesman credited the rise in income to the switch from serving grass-fed angus beef, to mostly sparrow and woodchuck.
A new study say that a drink or two of alcohol per week might not be detrimental to the fetus of pregnant women.  The study was funded by a grant from a group called “Doctors Married To Pregnant Chicks That Haven’t Had Any For Five Months.”
A global positioning system that tracks sex offenders failed in several states on Tuesday, leaving authorities blind to the real-time movements of thousands of offenders for most of the day.  Officials released a statement saying “We’re pretty sure they were all trying to have sex.”
The laws signed by Adolf Hitler taking away the citizenship of German Jews before the Holocaust were placed on rare public display Wednesday at the National Archives.  I cannot confirm or deny the rumors that Rick Sanchez was there taking pictures for over four hours.
I get her next, I call!!!
So somehow the shots cleared it up, and here we all are today.

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