I’m tired. Not Charlie Sheen tired, but pretty tired. Long travel day yesterday (see “Flaming Buttcrack Mexico” post below) and a tiring day today as well. It started slow due to a lack of sleep; I find it difficult to sleep in hot places. (Note to hotels in Mexico: If you don’t actually turn the air conditioning to “ON,” then it doesn’t really matter much, does it?) So waking up dewy I decided to take my revenge. You give me no AC, then charge for horrible wifi and rancid in-room coffee, you get back sticky sheets and towels. That’s the deal. Pray I do not alter it further. For Halloween I’m going as a slutty office supply lady.
An Alaska judge granted a temporary restraining order against handing out names of write-in candidates at polling places. So now drunk college guys who want to vote for “Seymour Butts” and “Ivana C. Yerbush” will have to remember all on their own.
World War Two bombs have reportedly been found on the Galapagos Islands. No one is sure how the studio reels from “1941” and “Pearl Harbor” got there.
TV commercials have been shortened in time and contracted in information, to match the waning attention spans of most viewers. Then I ate a corn dog.
As deaths from Cholera continue to grow, Africa has launched a full-scale anti-polio campaign. Thus proving that governments the world over know exactly how to react to a specific crisis.
The federal government has set up a security zone around the site of the BP oil rig that exploded and sank in the Gulf of Mexico. In a similarly timed move, Chicago authorities are setting up a security zone around the barn that held Mrs. O’Leary’s cow.
A new poll shows that women will vote for a male candidate who shares their political ideology, rather than voting for a female candidate simply because she’s a woman. The poll also shows that men will vote for a male candidate who shares their ideology, unless the female candidate has a really nice rack. OR Women polled in new Jersey said they would also vote for a male candidate over a female who could turn them into a Newt. OR Women also said they wouldn’t vote for a female if the candidate was a cheerleader back in high school, had a purse or pair of shoes the voter couldn’t afford, or looked even a little bit like the voter’s mother-in-law.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will stick to is decision not to build a train tunnel connecting his state to New York City. In response to the news, joyous New Yorkers planned a ticker-tape parade.
A new government report says the U.S. Government agencies spending the most in Afghanistan can't easily show where their money goes. You know, as opposed to U.S. Government agencies here at home, where domestic spending is strictly tracked and completely transparent.
An Australian man is being taken to court after reportedly tattooing a 16-inch penis on his friend's back after an argument. The lawsuit claims the man actually asked for a “two foot pianist.” OR The plaintiff says he specifically asked for the 16-incher to be tattooed over his actual penis.
Heineken reported that 3rd quarter earnings rose, while Sherwin-Williams reported earnings were flat for the same period. So we can assume that college students and teens are moving back to binge drinking and away from huffing paint! USA! USA! USA! OR Online porn connoisseurs rejoiced at the news, as it will mean more naked shots of laughing drunk hot chicks, and fewer of those dope-thin girls with that glazed “OK here’s my ass, now can I have my drugs?” look in their eyes.
A federal judge said Connecticut voters can wear WWE garb to the polls, ruling that it could not be considered political advertising for Republican Senate candidate Linda McMahon. The judge did, however, rule against allowing campaign workers to hit voters over the head with folding chairs within seventy-five feet of a polling place. OR The judge issued a statement saying “If they’re wearing WWE stuff in public - on a weekday - what are the odds they’ll be near a voting place anyway?”
Facing a nationwide shortage of a lethal injection drug, Arizona will get their supplies from another country. They reportedly sent state representatives to “Sheen-Ville” to stock up on every drug known to man.
Good news: MySpace has revamped its format and say it will now focus on entertainment. Bad news: The rappers and hookers currently on MySpace are fuming at the competition.
Chevy representatives say their new ad campaign “will draw heavily on our past and our future.” Excellent idea, since their present-day sucks.
Charlie Sheen says the reports of him trashing a hotel room naked with hookers has been “overblown.” Sheen claims there was only one hooker, and he was not naked but was still wearing one black sock and a smile.
George Soros’ huge donation reportedly triples the amount of cash on hand for the proponents of a marijuana legalization measure. Soros says they’d have more money if they weren’t budgeting 33% for Doritos.
Seriously, do we need to write any more Joy Behar jokes? Does anyone even mildly educated pay attention to her? OK, one more. Is it me or is she reminding you more and more of Helen Thomas? The two of them are turning into Patty & Selma Bouvier, the two Crazy Old Aunts in the attic you try and avoid at family reunions. Joy: Time to retire to Del Boca Vista.
Injured Viking QB Brett Favre said he won’t rule himself out of this Sunday’s game with the Patriots. Apparently Favre has moved his “will I play or not” waffling to a weekly instead of yearly schedule.
The Washington Wizards will be without Gilbert Arenas for at least the first two games of the NBA season. Arenas says he’s “going crazy sitting out, I feel like I could just shoot somebody.”
Teenagers spend hours texting, socializing on Facebook and playing video games, and reports say it's driving their parents nuts. This according to a new Facebook Group “Parents of Teens Who Facebook Too Much: How Do We Stop It?”
Officials are trying to determine what disrupted communication between fifty nuclear missiles and a launch control center at a U.S. Air Force Base. Unconfirmed reports say it was a software glitch caused by the computer attendant on-duty mistyping a cheat code in Madden 2010.
An Armenian archaeologist has discovered a skirt that is 5,900 years old. Betty White said “I’ve been looking for that; it’s always in the last place you look!”
*THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR PEOPLE SAY*
I don’t care if she does have a boyfriend, I’m just happy she let me buy her five drinks.
Man, that episode of “Medium” had me fooled right up to the end.
Granola mushroom Hercules dishwasher Clive Owen.