Thursday, October 7, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/7

Have you ever eaten an entire “fun size” package of Spree all at once?  I just did.  It’s fun facts and personal honesty like this that make you come back to my blog again and again, isn’t it?  Admit it, the combination of soul-baring truth and philosophical poopy jokes is irresistible, isn’t it?  It’s what brings the ladies to the party, bay-bee.  Today’s blog is dedicated to the memory of Dr Marvin Monroe.
As always, see more of me at or by plying me with Scotch and cash.
A southern Baptist leader is calling on Christians to avoid Yoga, saying the spiritual attachment to the practice does not represent Christian beliefs.  Rick Sanchez agrees, saying “Damn right it’s not Christian, Yoga is all run by the Jews anyway.”  OR The Baptist leader went on to say that Buddhist meditation is actually a Hindu mind-trap, physical therapy is a form of witchcraft, and men doing ballet stretches is “pretty gay.”
New reports say that Vice President Joe Biden is “Boldly going where Obama can’t.”  Yes, apparently Biden is having lunch at a Cracker Barrel in Kentucky.
Researchers have a pair of new suspects in the mysterious collapse of honey bee colonies across the country, saying that a virus and a fungus appear to be the likely culprits.  Officials are not saying that the investigation has completely cleared the stuffed-with-fluff bear caught with his head in the honeypot and his small pig companion, but “the evidence no longer points in their direction.”
Cuba has admitted that it’s communist economy is failing, and that capitalism is the way to prosperity.  Now if we could just get the people in Washington DC to jump onboard that train...
A Taiwan rice farm has erected scarecrows dressed like Michael Jackson, in attempt to ward off birds at crucial harvest time.  So far the effects on the birds have been mixed, however children under the age of twelve are absolutely petrified and won’t go NEAR the place.
Doctors and hospitals in Britain are giving an Alzheimer's drug a second chance after disappointing results in previous uses.  The second chance is being given mostly because none of the patients can remember the failures from the first time.
Authorities have ruled Gary Coleman’s death an accident.  In response, Coleman’s friends and family issued a statement that reads simply “Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, authorities?”  (Rimshot)
The blockbuster trade of Randy Moss to the Minnesota Viking sent fantasy football owners scrambling, planning to spend hours at their computers reworking their starting lineups for this weekend.  It also sent the owners girlfriends scrambling to the store to stock up on batteries, since the owners will be spending hours at their computers reworking their starting lineups for this weekend.
Asian Golf Tour organizers say Paul Casey, Luke Donald and Rory McIlroy will join Tiger Woods at next month's HSBC Champions event in Shanghai.  Casey, Donald and McIlroy say they are excited to experience a new culture and to help promote golf in China, and Tiger just thinks “Asian chicks are freakin’ hot.”
Back-to-back bombings occurred at a vegetable market south of Baghdad yesterday.  A group of insurgents have claimed responsibility, but some officials believe it was a couple of kids who just hate vegetables.  Yes, just before the explosions witnesses reportedly heard someone screaming “Go ahead Mom, give THESE to those damn starving kids who will appreciate them!!!”
Morocco has launched an ambitious program to produce "green" electricity and reduce its dependence on energy imports, but not all citizens are onboard.  Rick Blaine, owner of “Ricks Cafe Americain,” told reporters “Of all the gin joints in all the world, why did they have to put a windmill up near mine?”
“Love Your Body Day” is October 20. it OK if I get started a little early?  OR Reportedly, competing public and “semi-public” celebrations have been set up in Washington DC by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods.  OR A large gathering has been organized by The Wilt Chamberlain Foundation.
A new study says that college educated young adults are more likely to get married. The study also say those with only a high school diploma are four times more likely to be naked on YouTube.
Missile tests by the Chinese military have been shrouded in secrecy.  Despite repeated pleas from the international community, top military officials are steadfastly holding to their “Ancient Chinese Secret” stance.
TSA officials removed passengers from a Philadelphia to Bermuda flight Thursday, after reports that someone was helping to load the plane without a security badge.  In their normal targeted response, TSA promptly went through all of the checked luggage and took away everyone’s toothpaste.
LA police are trying to find two men who posed a cops and hijacked a delivery truck earlier today.  Casting Directors are also trying to find the two men, as there’s a CSI: New York casting call for “believable cops” later today.
Thousands of condom are clogging the plumbing in the athletes village at The Commonwealth Games in India.  In a preemptive move, BIll Clinton issued a statement that he was “Nowhere near New Delhi India, especially the Days Inn right near the athletes village.”  OR Fans now expect to see a new world record in the “100 Meter Skin Flute.” OR One sports journalist remarked “Well, that’s a new tactic in the Pole Vault.”
A recent poll revealed that 92% of children under the age of two have an online presence, including their own email address.  Of those, nearly 90% have addresses ending in “”
Pumpkin farmers have seen a large increase in profit, due to sales of strange and sometimes downright ugly varieties.  Brothel owners across Nevada have contacted the pumpkin farmers asking for their secrets, with Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof saying “If we can make money with the weird looking and ugly ones in addition to our stable of hotties, man oh man are we in business!”
Justin Timberlake says he thinks vinyl records sound better than digitalized tunes.  Similarly, music lovers say they prefer bands who originally recorded on vinyl to Justin Timberlake.
Twelve female journalism students posed in lacy underwear and used sexual innuendo to create a birthday calendar for Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.  For my birthday this year I got dinner at Applebees.  I had to pay.  I guess it’s good to be the King.
A U.S. trade official says that investing in Iraq can invigorate a shattered, demoralized, and tattered economy.  Apparently it could also help the Iraqi economy, too.
A new report out attempts to tell Baby Boomers what they need to know about Alzheimer’s.  The report is titled “OK I’ll tell you again, but this is the last time.  Write it down or something so you don’t forget again.”
North Korea's gymnasts have been suspended from the world championships starting next week because one team member was revealed to be older than reported.  In a related story, R. Kelley and two dozen Catholic Priests suddenly cancelled their trips to the world championships for “personal reasons.”
Cycling champion Alberto Contador continues to stand by his claim that contaminated meat caused his positive doping test.  In a related story, “contaminated meat” is the same reason given by Jenna Jameson for her positive STD tests.
You don’t change horses in mid-stream, but it is easier to pee there
Early to bed, early to rise, makes you one tired son of a bitch
If at first you don’t succeed, hire a minority and blame it on them

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