Sunday, October 17, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/17

Am I the only one hoping against hope that “Parker-Spitzer” is somehow related to Andy Kaufman returning?  You know, Spitzer pulls off his mask soon and Andy pops out?  Please?  Dear God in Heaven, PLEASE?!?  This Halloween I’m going as a slutty sleep-deprivation study volunteer.
See more of me at, or by installing spy-cam’s in my shower.
The Jackass gang pulled in $50 million over the weekend.  But enough about political fundraising...
The US Army is testing its first-ever combat uniform expressly designed to fit the female figure.  However women’s groups are protesting the new design, which includes a lacy half-cup bustier, snap-on silk garters, and 6-inch stiletto heels.  Not that I’ve thought about it or anything.
An art exhibition in London involving 100 million porcelain sunflower seeds has been closed to visitors because it is generating dust that is a potential health hazard.  Asked for comment, Anderson Cooper said “That is so gay.”
Former teen heartthrob Leif Garrett entered a plea in his heroin possession case in Los Angeles.  Reportedly the plea was “PLEEEEEEASE give me back my heroin!”
Good news: Facebook says it is working to remove anti-gay hate speech from it’s site.  Bad news: Rick Sanchez’s Facebook page is still active, so apparently anti-Jewish hate speech is perfectly acceptable.
A rabies outbreak on Indonesia's resort island of Bali has now killed 100 people.  Also, today Paris Hilton tweeted “Just back from Bali - met a TON of cute guys!”
Steve Jobs had Mark Zuckerberg at his home recently, and the two reportedly talked about Ping over dinner.  Most guys get together and talk about football and boobs.  Once a couple of geeks, always a couple of geeks, I guess.  OR While the two grown-up nerds discussed computers and watched Glee, their women were seduced by a couple of the neighborhood jocks.
North Korea’s military has threatened the U.S. with a “1,000-fold” increase.  The State Department responded by saying “Hey, I don’t care how it’s folded as long as you remember light starch in our shorts this time.  LIGHT starch.”  
A doctor’s group is warning that Halloween can be extra dangerous for kids allergic to nuts.  The ultra-intelligent gang from The View said this is exactly the kind of anti-gay hate speech we need to avoid.
Lee Abrams, chief innovation officer at the Tribune Company, has resigned after being criticized for sending around an email containing a video of topless and gyrating women.  A Tribune spokesman said “He was reprimanded for wasting our time, it’s wasn’t even that good of a video.  Have you seen the one with the singing monkeys?”
French workers protested in the streets again Saturday to defend their right to retire at sixty.  As often as they take off work to protest, you’d think the business owners would say “Know what?  Go ahead and retire!”
The leader of the Iraqi bloc that came first in elections accused Iran on Sunday of trying to destabilize the Middle East.  Reaction to the statement was varied, but most people said “Wait, it was stable before?”
Twitter has cut celebrity-tracking service JustSpotted off from a pipeline of "tweets" that could be tapped to map the whereabouts of stars.  Stalkers will have to go back to the bushes to spy on their favorite stars.  That is SOOOO 1980’s.
President Obama said today that he would “cut government workers if I have to” to help the economy.  He said he wanted to continue trying to get rid of all of the jobs in the private sector first, but if that didn’t work he’d go to plan B.
A Georgia woman is suing Tyra Banks for $3 million after she said her fifteen-year-old daughter appeared without her permission on an episode of Banks' talk show. The woman says if she wanted her underage daughter on an unwatched show with a talentless host she’d have called Joy Behar. OR Joe Biden said it was yet another shameful example of an illegal seizure by this country’s banks.
President Obama campaigned in Ohio for the first time since the 2008 election, in the state he carried but which has since been among the leaders in unemployment.  The President opened his speech with “Uuh, yeah... remember all that stuff I promised last time I was here?  My bad.”
A new survey in Germany shows that 13% of its citizens would welcome a “Führer”  to run the country “with a firm hand.”  Also, Mel Gibson just bought a house in Germany.

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