Friday, October 8, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/8

The voices in my head have been in a particularly good mood lately, and I’d like to keep it that way.  So in addition to obeying their every whim - today I had to wear shoulder-to-shoulder clown makeup, a bedazzled purple thong, and set fire to my own boogers, which really freaked out the people on the Verandah Deck - I’d like to enlist your help in the matter.  Go ahead and click that “Follow” button to the right of this page and pass this blog on to other people.  Important people.  Stodgy, reserved, easily offended people who don’t appreciate jokes about boogers and clown makeup and will say things like “Well, I never!” and walk off in a huff, whatever a huff is.  That makes me giggle.  It makes the voices in my head giggle.  Wouldn’t you like to be a giggler too?
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A new report says that more than 89,000 stimulus checks of $250 each went to people who were either dead or in prison.  OK, so there’s 89,000 votes in Chicago for Rahm Emanuel.  
An ordinary-looking white flower from Japan carries the longest genome ever discovered. Scientists say it’s the first time in history that something white has won the title of “longest in the world.”
Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle said the country needs to address a "militant terrorist situation" that has allowed Islamic religious law to take hold in some American cities.  Apparently she doesn’t know Vegas already took care of that when they changed The Aladdin to Planet Hollywood.
A 1,674 pound pumpkin in San Diego is just short of the world record.  Witnesses say it may have actually been the largest, but Rosie O’Donnell arrived minutes before the official weigh-in and...well...  OR Upon seeing it, a small child with a blue security blanket screamed “AAAAUGH!” and passed out.  
Police in suburban Cincinnati arrested a woman after she flagged an officer down and asked if there were any warrants out for her arrest.  That night in jail the woman reportedly flagged down the butchest inmate in the rec room and asked “Have I been forced into any disgusting prison sex yet?”
A senior citizen recently fought off a robber who had broken into her home wielding a wrench, by hitting him repeatedly with a broomstick.  Christine O’Donnell said her Mom is recovering nicely, and the broom should be flight-ready again in a matter of days.
Robert Rizzo, the former City Administrator in Bell, California was release from jail today on $2 million bail. “No problem,” said Rizzo, “Can it wait until my next paycheck?”
The cast of the polygamist show “Sister Wives” is set to film an interview on Oprah next week.  There is no confirmation of the rumor that Oprah plans to give out a wife to every member of the studio audience.
Good news: American Airlines recalled 800 previously furloughed workers this week.  Bad news: All 800 will work in the newly created “Let’s come up with new add-on fees” department.
In a recent interview, fired CNN host Rick Sanchez says he “screwed up” when he made anti-Semitic remarks recently.  I don’t know, it seems like more people have seen him on TV since he got fired than ever did before.  Hey Rick, sleep with one of your young female staffers and you could get a whole new show!
1.5 million copies of former President Bush’s memoirs will hit bookstore shelves soon.  Publishing insiders say that’s an optimistic sales projection for a pop-up book.
A Swiss museum announced Friday that it will display a bar of soap an artist claims to have made out of fat belonging to Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.  An hour later, a new line of soap products was announced by Kirstie Alley.
An engine fire forced passengers to evacuate an Allegiant Air jet in Orlando today.  Responding quickly and decisively, TSA officials immediately confiscated everyone’s shampoo and belt buckles.
A North Dakota man was arrested on suspicion of stolen property and mistreating animals, after he allegedly castrated his neighbors dog.  The county has charged him with mistreating animals.  The “stolen property” charge comes from the dog himself.
The Mayors of San Francisco and Atlanta have made a wager on the outcome of the National League Division Series.  Reportedly the Mayor whose team loses the series actually has to do something productive.
A German drugmaker has stopped developing what was dubbed the "pink Viagra" after failing to convince U.S. regulators the pill could boost women's sex drive.  They were also unable to make the pill more cost-efficient than the current “sex drive booster” for women, which is five Long Island Ice Tea’s.
Jerry Brown’s campaign has apologized for calling Meg Whitman a “whore” recently.  In their statement they explained they meant to call her a “Richie rich bitch.”  OR  In their defense, they were probably high and thought they were talking to the pizza delivery chick.
Former San Francisco 49er Glen Coffee, who recently retired after one season to “pursue a religious calling,” was arrested for illegally carrying a loaded automatic pistol in his car.  Yep, definitely a religious fundamentalist.
John Stamos says that his recently resolved court case was a “celebrity bashing circus.” It’s not immediately clear who the celebrity is that Stamos is talking about.
Reports have surfaced that an elephant in a South Korean zoo can talk.  However, TV executives have been cautious about covering the story, still smarting from the embarrassment of the “Michigan J Frog” fiasco.
Bill Idol announced he will be writing a memoir.  If it truly is based on his memories, there should be nothing in the book between 1976 and 1988.
Republican John Boehner said in a recent speech that the Democratic Party was filled with insiders who “don’t listen to the American people anymore.”  Informed that a new poll shows a large majority of Americans now support embryonic stem cell research, Boehner said “No more questions!” and stormed off.
The Crazy Sphincter
Ed The Anarchist
The Maddeningly Androgynous Attorney

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