Daily Monologue Jokes 10/5

As we embark as a nation into the 4th quarter of 2010, I’d like to say something important and uplifting.  However, that would distract me from making sordid, juvenile poop jokes and running around naked in public, and who wants that?  So won’t you join me by clicking that “follow” button to the right of this page, removing your pantaloons, and making armpit farts on public transportation?  Trust me, it will placate the voices in your head.

As always, you can see more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or by sneaking in my bedroom at night and lifting up the covers.

President Obama held his first summit on Community Colleges at The White House today.  Most of the attendees arrived late after losing track of time in the smoking lounge, then interrupted his speech by asking “Is this going to be on the test?”

Christine O’Donnell released a TV ad saying “I’m not a witch.”  She went on to say these are not the droids you’re looking for.  OR She said she’s not a witch at all, she and her little dog Toto are from Kansas; initial reports on the ad show gay men now overwhelmingly prefer “O’Dorothy.”

Had John Lennon lived to be seventy, Yoko Ono thinks he would have been more relaxed about the milestone than he was about his 40th birthday.  Of course, had John lived to be seventy he likely would have wised up by now, and Yoko “wouldn’t be with us” to make that statement...if you get our drift...

Jailed singer George Michael has denied newspaper reports that he is receiving special treatment while in prison.  The reports said Michael was able to choose “top or bottom,” and “shank or shiv.”  

The Naked Cowboy, a strapping guitar player known for his nearly-in-the-buff performances in New York’s Times Square, has announced he will run for President in 2012.  Upon hearing the news, Ralph Nader remarked “Well, at least this time I know I won’t finish dead last.”  

Wyclef Jean has been named a fellow by Brown University. Apparently all Jean had to do was drop his pants and the Brown Board of Regents said “Yep, he’s a fellow.”  OR

In other intellectual actions, Brown named Cyndi Lauper a lady, named the Spruce a tree, and named Roscoe P. Coltrane a Sheriff.

Border Patrols agents along the Southwest border have gotten stuck in bureaucratic limbo, with a new government report showing federal regulations have stalled projects for months.  President Obama promised to handle the situation by setting a meeting to discuss the opportunity of creating a future federal task force to undertake a yearlong study and report back to the undersecretary of the committee on cutting bureaucracy, who will then bring it to the floor of The House for a symbolic vote against red tape and another vote on whether to fund a new oversight panel who will take up a measure to vote on in early 2012.  Then they’ll make amendments to the amendment of the measure.  That should take care of it.

More than 150 competitors attended the European Beard Championships in Leogang, Germany this past weekend.  The most shocking outcome was that Katie Holmes didn’t win one award.

Australian police say a graphic video of an unarmed man who was zapped with a Tazer thirteen times shows an unacceptable misuse of stun guns.  “The guy was white,” says a police spokesman, “Six times max for a white dude.  Come on!”

US paleontologists said in a study that some dinosaurs may have been at least 10 percent taller than previously thought.  British paleontologists dispute the notion, saying “It’s obvious they were wearing lifts.”  OR They also may have had much bigger hands and feet than previously thought, meaning some female dinosaurs probably wish they hadn’t turned down dates.

Some scientists are saying that immediately following The Big Bang was a period of utter chaos.  I don’t know, “Accidentally On Purpose” isn’t the greatest show ever, but I wouldn’t call it utter chaos.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have said QB Ben Roethlesberger will start this coming Sunday.  Head Coach Mike Tomlin said “Our team just needs a shot in the ass.”

Michael Vick says he expects to miss one or two weeks due to the injury he suffered last weekend.  It could have been longer, but luckily none of his dog-strangling muscles were hurt.

Ozzy Osbourne has recorded a cover of John Lennon’s song “How” in honor of what would have been the former Beatle’s seventieth birthday.  At least, that’s what they think Ozzy was singing.  Difficult to tell.  Could have been “Snoopy And The Red Baron” for all we know.

Lil Wayne has been put in solitary confinement at Rikers Island prison.  Apparently he asked for solitary, as he was tired of the other inmates making him be “Lil Kim”... if you know what I mean...

A man in Kansas City was arrested after hitting his wife of seven years with a hammer.  Police found the crime odd, since copper is the seventh anniversary gift - hand tools are for the twelfth year.

NOAA officials say that we should prepare for a “La Nina Winter” of snow, ice and cold temperatures.  Unlike regular winter, you know...with snow, ice and cold temperatures.

*ODDLY SEXY FACTS ABOUT ME*

(Things that turn women on but they’ll never admit it)

I can sing more than a dozen Weird Al Yankovic songs from memory

I like butter AND jelly on my toast...rye toast

I sometimes let my toenails grow for weeks

I can’t bend over or get out of a chair with going “uuuungh”

At dinner I’ll ask straight up “Are we gettin’ it on tonight?” so I know whether or not to order onions