Thongs And Giant Man-Junk

Time for “Stephen’s Mailbag.”

“Dear Stephen,

Daily, you tell your millions of faithful readers how we can see more of you.  Why do you assume we’d even want to see more?  As far as I can see from your bushes you’re a typical middle-aged dude, with a pasty-white beer gut and graying hair you keep short so you don’t have to comb it.  Granted, you have that wildly oversized man-junk that looks like you’re smuggling an extra-terrestrial SUV in your pants, but other than that what’s the appeal?  Also, what is your opinion regarding thongs?

Madly, Truly, Deeply,

Kathleen (Imaginary fan from Omaha)

Thanks for writing, Kathleen.  I don’t know what my appeal is, could be Orange.  Maybe Plantain.  Perhaps criminally insane or tampered evidence.   All I know is women consistently say they prefer a funny man over an attractive man, which proves one thing beyond any reasonable doubt: women are giant f&#king liars.  Oh, as for thongs, I’ve never been a fan of them, I don’t like the way they press between my toes and make that flopping sound when I walk.

As always, see more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by pushing Kathleen out of the way and sending me iPhone pics of her thong.

...these is jokes...

So Penthouse founder Bob Guccione died this week. A leaked early draft of his eulogy begins: Dear Mourners, I never thought this would happen to me, but I swear every word is absolutely true...

Lindsay Lohan has been ordered to stay in rehab until January 3.  This gives Paris Hilton a nearly nine week window of opportunity to retake the #1 ranking in the “Worlds Stupidest Skank Association.

The U.S. has unexpectedly offered Pakistan a $2 billion military aid package.  Reportedly Bill Clinton was recruited to make the offer, as there’s no one better to surprise a stranger with a large, unwanted package.

Bad news: A cheerleader in Ohio was suspended after a photo of her with alcohol appeared on Facebook.  Good news: As a suspended cheerleader who is known to drink, she’s received over a hundred invitations to prom.

The Nevada Supreme Court refused Friday to overturn O.J. Simpson's armed robbery and kidnapping convictions today.  I’d like to say, on behalf of the entire comedic community, “We were rooting for you, Juice!”

Sony said on Thursday it shipped 1 million units of its Move motion-based video game controller to the U.S. in its first month on the market.  They only had 25,000 orders, but figured if they get stuck they’ll just have the federal government bail them out.

The furor over NPR’s firing of Juan Williams continues unabated today.  Most of the furor is from outside NPR, since fury is difficult for those on-air at NPR who can’t speak above a nap-inducing monotone.

Florida pastor Terry Jones picked up his free car for not burning the Quran today.  OK, so he messed with terrorists and picked up a car from a dealer in NEW JERSEY.  Start that thing with care, Terry.

Recent surveys suggest that “Hotel Breakfast Wars” are heating up.  Hollywood is already lining up to blame it on George Bush.  OR Thankfully, George Lucas will not be directing any of them.  OR Hopefully they’ll be more entertaining than the Smartphone Wars, the Crimean Wars, or the Battle Of The Network Stars.

Thousands of baby spiders bred in a kitchen will be released into the British countryside this week in a bid to revive an endangered species.  I volunteer to head the American panel to revive the endangered species “Hot, Rich Women Who Like Football, Sex, And Are Really, Really Quiet.”

Glee actress Dianna Agron has apologized for a racy photoshoot GQ, saying the controversial pictures "do not represent who I am."  She’s standing there in her underwear...how much “more” of her could we possibly see?  (No really, I’m asking how much more?)

Thirty year old Chen Wei-yih will marry herself next month in Taiwan.  It will be a small ceremony, just friends, family, and three large men with over-sized butterfly nets.  OR  So far Rush Limbaugh can’t figure out how to be against it.  OR BREAKING: Tom Cruise announces he’s moving to Taiwan.

There has been a chorus of complaints from NBA basketball stars upset over the league's tough new rules regarding technical fouls.  Most of the complaints center around having to act like actual human beings grateful for their careers, instead of overpaid, whiny, gun-toting, think-they’re-above-the-law adolescents.  OR Complaining about rules that cover complaining - way to get it, guys!