Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 10/12

As we approach the holiday season, I want to know what your plans are this year.  No really, tell me when you’re going to be leaving your house unattended.  Then tell me where you keep the good stuff.  Then send nude pics.  Then get to the chopper.
See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or by getting hammered on Sambuca and enticing me to play “Escaped Convict And The Warden’s Wife.”
There is a contest being held to design a new use for the controversial vuvuzelas from the World Cup.  So far, none of the twenty ideas sent in by Larry Flynt have garnered approval.
Wal-Mart Stores will start selling Apple's iPad this Friday.  Industry insiders are highly skeptical that regular Wal-Mart shoppers can learn how to use a computer by the weekend.
In recent weeks, Google has announced new smartphones, cars that drive without human drivers, and now wants to own a power company that could control most of the east coast.  Unconfirmed reports say that shortly after Christmas, Google will publicly change its name to “SkyNet.”
Singer Christina Aguilera and her music executive husband of five years have separated and are living apart.  Aguilera was quoted as saying “I just realized I am way, way, WAY out of that guy’s league.”
A New Zealand television host sparked a diplomatic tussle when he ridiculed the name of Indian Minister Sheila Dikshit.  OK, come on now... people who can’t giggle at the name Dikshit are the same ones who sit stonefaced when NASCAR announcers say that Danica Patrick is ‘sitting on the pole.”  There are some things that are simply funny, folks.
Brett Favre didn’t want to talk about the sexual allegations against him after the Vikings game, but that didn’t stop reporters from peppering him with questions about it anyway.  It was so bad at one point that Favre had to say “Look if you don’t stop asking me about it I’ll make you all look at the pictures of my winkie again.”
Adam Lambert pledged Tuesday to obey Malaysian government rules that forbid him from kissing anyone onstage at a planned concert this week.  In a related story, Ryan Seacrest suddenly cancelled his trip to Malaysia and Tweeted “A. Lambert tix 4 sale, make offer.”
A Congressional panel is set to examine the latest big California wildfire.  Well, good.  Maybe after spending gobs of taxpayer dollars on fact-finding Tequila shooters, they’ll all give the fires a good, stern talking to.  Maybe draft a symbolic resolution.  That’ll show those fires!
Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle raised $14 million in the last three months.  About half came from individual donors, a quarter from groups, and about $4 million from the Star Wars penny slots at The Bellagio.
Beverly Hills is introducing a line of perfume called City Scents.  Yet another example of how rich people think their Sh&@ doesn’t stink.
President Obama has lifted the ban on deepwater drilling in the gulf.  In response, Tiger Woods asked his realtor “Hey, can we find a house in Deepwater?”  OR Bill Clinton immediately announced plans for a “Deepwater Fundraiser” for college cheerleaders.
Former White House correspondent Helen Thomas was recently asked if she was anti-semitic, and she responded “Baloney!”  When reporters then asked how her comments on Israel should have been interpreted, Thomas replied “Muenster Cheese!”  Baffled reporters asked for clarification and Thomas yelled “Pickles and Mustard!”  Eight questions and ten minutes later, Thomas completed her nursing home lunch order and nodded off to sleep.
Gay activists have delivered a petition to the headquarters of the Mormon church in Salt Lake City.  Reportedly the petition says “Hey, you have forty spouses and we only want one.  What’s the problem?”
A recent study says that legalization of marijuana in California will not adversely affect the Mexican drug cartels as hoped.  Of course it won’t, Mexico already owns California.  Duh.
Good news: Only one flight in the US was delayed more than three hours in the month of August.  Bad news: It was your Uncle Morty’s flight, and he’ll take twice that long at Thanksgiving dinner to tell you aaaalllll about it.
A study into Australian police use of Tazers found that eighty-five percent of cases involved a person with a mental illness.  Asked to explain why, a police spokesman said “Well those people were frickin’ crazy!”
President Obama has signed a NASA authorization act paving the way for a manned mission to an asteroid by 2025, and a manned mission to Mars for some time in the 2030s.  Some find this odd, since other recent government announcements claim that well before that time we’ll all be broke, starving, and living under Chinese rule.
The 7th Sense: Look At All The Freakin’ Dead People
Labor Day Weekend At Bernies With The Kleinsteads
Deuce Bigalow: MIddle-Aged Boca Raton Gigolo 

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