It’s Charlie Sheen Day!!!  Enjoy this blog, loyal readers; it’s been in the pipeline for a few days.  Send me your most fascinating comments.  Or at least the ones with the most vulgarities, as usual.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... the jokes from Ipanema ...

They say it may snow in LA this weekend.  Or Charlie Sheen may stay on his boat.  Too soon to tell.  OR Look on the bright side, at least in the 2012 election we’ll be able to say “Man, these guys are a couple of a-holes, but at least they’re not Charlie Sheen.” OR Maybe he was just a month or so early in headline grabbing for sweeps week.

Rahm Emanuel was elected mayor of Chicago.  In traditional Chicago fashion, Emanuel received 2.3 million of a possible 350,000 votes.

Famed fashion house Christian Dior suspended creative director John Galliano after he was accused of an anti-Semitic insult. Sources say Galliano is riding out the incident at close friend Mel Gibson’s place.

Anti-whaling activists' high-seas confrontations with Japanese ships forced Tokyo to cut short its annual Antarctic hunt for the first time.  Activists say they had better success this year because they changed their boats to look like Godzilla.

Nick Jonas sang at a Motown party at The White House.  I’m not sure hiring Nick Jonas for a Motown party is going to reassure those still wondering if Barack Obama is “black enough.”  OR So now THAT’S been taken care of, let’s clean up those smaller issues like Wisconsin, Lybia, Mexico...and whatever other small items are still on the list.

An ice cream parlor based in London will make breast milk ice cream and says people should think of it as an organic, free-range treat.  Conversely, their store in Los Angeles says you should think of it as “Inorganic, but big enough for casting purposes.”

Russia will send French warships they purchased to a chain of islands that are being claimed by Japan.  Wouldn’t it be easier to save that cash and just surrender on their own?

The bones of the earliest North American human remains have been found in the Arctic, and are said to be 11,500 years old.  Larry King said it’s an important find, and he’ll dedicate his upcoming comedy tour to the memory of his younger brother.

Researchers say that ancient megadroughts which lasted thousands of years in what is now the American Southwest could offer a preview of a climate changed by modern greenhouse gas emissions.  Al Gore immediately said those ancient megadroughts were caused by SUV drivers.

X-rays showed that a New York pit bull swallowed a foot-long pipe.  Following the X-rays, the dog was offered a three picture deal at Vivid Video.

Malaysian police arrested three men believed to be responsible for stealing 725,000 condoms.  Why Wilt Chamberlains kids were in Malaysia is anyone's guess.

Home Depot recently announced they will be hiring 60,000 seasonal employees to help out this spring.  Luckily for Home Depot, roughly 60,000 “applicants” regularly hang around in their parking lots.

“First, picture everyone in their underwear.  Slow your breathing.  Then yell your manifesto and aim just above the belly button.” -- Excerpt from “Public Speaking/Rampage Shooting: Overcoming Your Fear Of Crowds”

I Say It's My Birthday

Today is my birthday.  Yes it is, so everyone listen up.  In lieu of a joke blog, and in light of it being Oscar week, I’m pulling from my Twitter feed yesterday, a hashtag called #OscarPorn.  I’ve taken the names of Best Picture winners, Best Actor winners, etc and rewritten them into adult movie titles - the trick is to do it without using curse words.  Leave your best and it may be included the upcoming major motion picture about my sweatpants-on-the-couch life! (**Not Really**) You can follow me on Twitter @stephenthomas15 .  Pants optional.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... Ah screw it, this stuff makes me giggle ...

Patton And Pettin' And Gropin' And Sweatin'.

The English Patient And The Naughty Nurses.

Gigi (Not Her Real Name).

Chariots And Pants Of Fire.

All Of Me And Part Of Rick. (My Idol Steve Martin, Best Actor 1984)

All About Eve And Her Mom And Her Hot Neighbor Kristin.

Titanic Knockers.

The Bridge On The River Kwai, And The Cheap Motel By The Airport.

Dances With Wolves, Fornicates With Anyone.

All The Kings Men, And Three Of His Sisters.

It Happened One Night. Seven Times.

All Quiet On The Western Front, But Really Noisy In The Rumpus Room.

Ordinary People Getting Nailed By Really Hot People While Other Ordinary People Watch.

On The Waterfront, In The Park, And Twice In The Back Of A Buick.

A Beautiful Mind And A Helluva Rack.

My Fair Lady And The Pizza Guy And Another Lady.

Lupus, LeBeta, And Large Dates

It’s been a week since I’ve written a joke blog, and I have no excuse.  Yes, I’ve been enjoying my week at home with my family.  Yes, I’ve been enjoying the fact that Spring Training is now open.  Yes, I’ve been enjoying my body weight in cookie dough and cake batter every day.  OK ... so maybe I do have an excuse.  Anyway, here’s the new one.  I’m off for some cookie dough and a viewing of The Bad News Bears.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... jokeus, you are a booger eating moron ...

Federal authorities charged more than 100 doctors, nurses and physical therapists with Medicare fraud worth $225 million.  Hearing this, Bernie Madoff scoffed “That’s it? Amateurs.”

Scientists say mastering a second language seems to delay getting Alzheimer's disease. O-say art-stay udying-stay anish-Spay.  Erk-Jay.

Cleveland area official say 200 geese have died for unknown reasons along the shores of Lake Erie while others are struggling to hold their heads up.  Frickin’ LeBron James.

Officials in Baghdad want the U.S. to pay $1 billion for damage done to the city.  Unofficial response from the State Department apparently rhymes with “Schmo Schmuck Schyourself.”

A tuberculosis outbreak among workers at a Tennessee elephant sanctuary in 2009 is being blamed on one of the pachyderms.  Which goes to prove the old saying “When having sex with an elephant, always wear a condom.”

Surgeons have removed a knife from the skull of a man who said it has been there for four years.  Finally out of pain, the man said “That’s the last time I go on a wilderness hike with Dick Cheney.”

Men who start to lose their hair by age twenty are twice as likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.  Man, talk about getting it in the ass twice.

The Minnesota House Of Representatives voted to lift the state’s ban on nuclear power.  In other words, look out Canada.  OR  In a nearly unnoticed rider on the bill, they also voted to install a ban on Brett Favre.  OR OK, Jesse Venture, Al Franken, and now this.  I guess one out of three ain’t bad.

The United States government said it was assessing possible responses after Somali pirates hijacked a yacht with four Americans on board.  The first thing they’re attempting to discern is who the four voted for; after that they’ll decide whether it’s in the budget to rescue them.

The husband of Julie Schenecker, who is accused of murdering their two teen-aged children because they talked back to her, said he plans to divorce her.  He said he’s going to try and get “One more weekend of ‘crazy-lady sex,’” but after that he’s gone like the wind.

The Green River Killer has pleaded guilty to his forty-ninth murder.  One more and he gets that free sub at Subway.  As long as he remembers to get that card punched.

Belgian citizens marked 249 days without a government, a figure that they are treating as a world record in political waffling.  Hearing the news, John Kerry vowed to regain his crown “As soon as is humanly possible.  Or maybe not.  I actually waffled longer first, before I stopped.”

Patients with head and neck cancer who continue to smoke while undergoing radiation treatments have a much lower long-term survival rate than those who stop.  In other shocking news, those who aren’t kicked in the face experience lower level of pain than those who get kicked repeatedly.  Who FUNDS this crap?

Scientists say there are fewer big fish in the sea than before.  Single chubby chasers, take note.

More video content is uploaded to YouTube in a sixty day period than the three major U.S. television networks created in sixty years.  However, when you take out videos including cats, it come out about even.

Pitchers and catchers reported this week.  But enough about Justin Bieber fans. (Rimshot)

Three Bad Strip Club Names

-Flaming Lips

-The “Before” Picture

-Week Old Sushi

Cookies, Cavs, And Canada

There have been numerous important world events lately, events that will undoubtedly have lasting historical significance.  Naturally, I’ve taken this time to think a great deal about cookies.  I like everything about cookies, from making the dough to eating the dough to licking the dough off of the mixers and the bowl.  The actual cookies are cool, too.  Scientific Fact: it’s impossible to be in a bad mood while eating cookies.  Go ahead, try it; it can’t be done. You physically cannot put a cookie into your mouth, chew it up and swallow it without getting a smile on your face. (*Note: This excludes any fat-free, low-cal, or any other type of so-called “Diet” cookies.  These are not really cookies, but vulgar impostors that should be banned from existence. I’m currently formulating a class-action lawsuit to that extent, watch these pages for future updates)  This is a foolproof way out of any bad day - stop, grab a cookie, and concentrate on it’s excellent cookie-ness for five minutes, and whatever was bothering you won’t seem so bad, I promise.  Cookie Cookie Cookie starts with a capital C, and that rhymes with G, and that stands for Good (That staaaands for good!)

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... seventy six joke-jokes led the big parade ...

The Steelers lost.  The Cavaliers finally won.  The only way this week could get any better for Cleveland fans is if LeBitch blows out his knee in Boston.

Arnold Schwarzenneger says he is returning to acting.  Just when Californians thought he couldn’t do any more damage.

The World Health Organization says that alcohol kills more people every year than violence, tuberculosis, and even more than HIV.  In fact, the only three things that kill more people than alcohol are Denny’s Lumberjack Slam breakfasts, carpools with Lindsay Lohan, and parties at Charlie Sheen’s house.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy declared Thursday that multiculturalism has failed.  Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi agreed, saying that from now on he would only nail pure-bred Italian teenagers.

A new study says that overweight kids who exercise improve both their thinking and math skills.  In fact, the study showed that after an hour of exercise most of them figured out how to cram 63% more Twinkies and bacon down their throats.

A recent marijuana study reveals that men who smoke it regularly have less of a sex drive than men who do not.  In a related story, The National Association Of Wives issued a statement fully supporting the legalization of marijuana.

The Chinese government says it will begin turning its obsolete public phone booths into Wi-Fi hotspots.  Superman is considering a lawsuit, saying it raises his chances of a tumor.  OR  Analysts say that with that much radiation, there’s a danger of thousands of Chinese Hulk’s being created.

A spokesman for the California Highway Patrol says CHP officers are stepping up their pursuit of drivers who violate the state’s cellphone law.  They’ll still look the other way for drug smuggling and drive-by gang shootings, as long as you’re not Tweeting while it happens.

Canada returned to having a trade surplus in December.  Financial analysts were surprised, with one saying “Man, who knew the rest of the world needed that much Maple Syrup?”

Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 42nd birthday this week.  Once again she didn’t show up at the party I threw for her in room 217 of the Airport Ramada.  So now I’m out the $42.50 for that three hour room rental.  Pretty rude Jen.  Pretty rude.

I find it entertaining that many of those gushing on Facebook/Twitter over Egypt’s successful protests are the same people who very recently were spouting off about how “People in The Middle East aren’t ready for Democracy, it won’t work there.”  Not a judgement, just an observation.

Tennis news: Petra Kvitova of the Czech Republic reached the final of the Paris Open.  Men everywhere were heard to ask “Is that the really hot one?”

The Mayor of Bell, California says death threats over the recent pay scandal in the city keep him from attending City Council meetings.  That, and the meetings are always held at the same time as Dancing With The Stars.

Three Bad Pole Dancing Songs:
1 - My Name Is Luka

2 - Frosty The Snowman

3 - Theme Song From “The Facts Of Life”

Bedford Falls, Bridal Shops, Belgian Sex

I’m getting older.  I realized this today when I was trimming my ear hair which is not something you do when you’re younger.  (Stay back, ladies; I know that’s incredibly hot but I am a happily married man)  I know I’m not old, but I’m definitely not a kid anymore, and it’s giving me pause.  I pause when getting out of a chair, I pause when consider eating anything spicy, and I pause far more than I used to to hit the boys room. It used to be Eight Tequila Shooters = One trip to the bathroom including a nap on the floor without pants.  Now it’s Two cups of coffee = Six trips to the bathroom including one where I get to read the entire sports page ... if you get my drift.  (Again, control yourselves, ladies)  When I was younger I looked at people who were the age I am now and thought they had it all under control.  I have nothing under control, but I have gained the experience and wisdom to know that neither did they - we’re all a little crazy.  This has led me to not only accept but embrace the aging process; worrying won’t do any good anyway.  We’re above the dirt, we’re breathing, and every ear hair we have to trim is like finding ZuZu’s petals in our pocket.  Are you George Bailey or are you Mr Potter?  Riddle yourself that one.  I’m off to trim my nose hairs.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... Merry joking you wonderful old building and loan ...

The record cold is straining the power grid in Texas so badly, they only sent twelve people to the electric chair this week.  Don’t worry though, they made the other nine inmates scheduled for execution stand outside naked until they froze to death, so they’re still on schedule.

A former New England mobster has been captured in the farmlands of Idaho after a decade on the run.  Authorities became suspicious when the local potato market was taken over by “Vinnie and Tony’s Farm & Off-Track Betting Parlor.”

Heidi Montag claims that Jennifer Aniston “banned” her from the premier of “Just Go With It.”  Yet another reason why I LOVE Jennifer Aniston.

Movie company Imax said it will install four digital theater systems in China.  To accommodate China’s population, each theater will seat 1.5 billion people.

Women nationwide are thrilled that wedding dress retailer David's Bridal will now carry dresses from designer Vera Wang.  Men nationwide simply giggle every time their bride-to-be says the word “Wang.”

An airline in Thailand is recruiting transgender flight attendants. Analysts say the ambiguity may hurt sales during their “Business Class With Happy Ending” promotion.

A politician in Belgium has suggested the women of that country go on a “sex strike” until the male dominated legislature fixes it’s many problems. Later that night in the government offices, that man was given a swirly, a pinkbelly, and locked in his locker by unknown culprits.

Vatican Radio marked eighty years in broadcasting this week with a celebration of the Catholic faith.  They then announced that starting Monday they’re going Country.

Lindsay Lohan was in court again this week.  Not to kick someone when they’re down, but can we just skip ahead to the part where she does Cinemax soft porn?

President Obama outlined his plan to expand high speed wireless Internet service to 98% of Americans.  Great, first they force us to buy health insurance, now they force us to drop AT&T.

Piers, Porn, Peanut Butter

Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re back ... it’s been such a long time, and I really do miss your smile.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... I’m not talking ‘bout jokin’ in, and I don’t want to change your life ...

NASA is checking space shuttle Discovery to see if it was damaged by a tool.  How Piers Morgan got on the launch pad in the first place is a mystery.

The federal government said that electronic flaws were not to blame for the sudden acceleration problems in Toyota’s. Well, if the government says so then it must be true.  I mean, when have they ever lied to us about anything?  I wonder what could have caused those Toyota problems ... probably those frickin’ Mexicans...

A California court has ruled that websites offering free pornography are not unfair to paid sites.  The judge said he had studied to evidence in this case long and hard, then took a nap, then studied it long and hard again but not quite as hard as the first time, then got a sandwich and watched a little football, then the cheerleaders were on the TV and it reminded him of the case so he studied it long and hard again and then had to sit funny for awhile.  

Keith Olbermann said Tuesday he's headed to Current TV, the public affairs channel launched six years ago by former Vice President Al Gore.  Analysts were surprised, saying “That thing’s still around?”

A new study says that teenagers whose families own a dog exercise far more than other teens.  In a related matter, they also go through WAY more peanut butter.

Due to the unrest in Egypt, the State Department has begun sending Twitter messages in Arabic.  Analysts say this may not work, since most of the tweets are either telling you how to get more Twitter followers or selling Viagra.

The Vatican said that Catholics cannot confess via a new iPhone app.  Insiders say the decision has nothing to do with faith, the church simply doesn’t want to pay the roaming charges.  OR In a related story, the FBI made the exact same statement to the mafia.  OR The national Coalition of Priests did say that texting in confessions was OK, as long as they’re accompanied by a photo of exactly what you did and your home address.

Janet Napolitano said this week that the terrorist threat against the U.S. is “at it’s most heightened state” since the attacks of September 11, 2001.  Damn right wingers, always using fear to...wait...

In a recent interview Justin Bieber revealed what he wants in a lady.  A surprising #1 on the list: a penis.

The second snowstorm in a week came through the midsection of the U.S.  Meteorologists say there’s a technical name for this phenomenon: it’s called “Winter.”

India has begun a massive census taking endeavor.  Strangely, the help line for questions about the forms is located in Mobile, Alabama.

Christina Aguilera will be part of a Grammy tribute to Aretha Franklin. Aguilera says she will perform Franklin’s big hit “R-E-S-P-O-N-D.”

A new study finds that childhood obesity is becoming a “very serious problem” in California.  It’s getting so bad that some Catholic priests are having to drive to Nevada to meet kids.

For the first time since 2007, people in Syria can directly log onto Facebook and YouTube without going through proxy servers abroad.  So all of your Syrian friends can now know immediately what you had for lunch, and see that video of a kid hitting a birthday clown in the nuts.

Busy, Busy, Busy

No new blog today.  Or yesterday.  Or the day before.  Here's why, check out my hosting debut on Late Night In The Afternoon by clicking HERE!  

Dog Treats And Cold Noses

Sometimes I say things that offend people.  When that happens, I like for those people to come and explain to me exactly what it was that offended them, and offer several alternatives on how to make it better.  Then I like to repeat the thing that offended them directly to their face and add the word “Gutterfucker” in my best Han Solo impression.  That’s just the kind of guy I am.  Ladies...the line forms to the right....

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... I don’t know....joke casual....

A man is suing a drug company, claiming their product made him “a gay sex addict.” Ryan Seacrest overheard asking “Hey, is this is a class-action suit?”

Brazil has released photographs of an uncontacted Amazonian tribe to show the plight of indigenous people who rights groups say are faced with possible annihilation.  The tribe is suing, since they’re all naked and one of them is nailing a Kardashian.

The National Weather Service says that ice and snow have closed roads from Texas to Rhode Island.  That’s OK, no one wants to go from Texas to Rhode Island anyway.

Two lesbian teens in Minnesota sued their school this week, claiming they were not permitted to attend a dance due to their sexuality.  The school denied the charges, saying the girls would have been more than welcome at the dance if either one of them were even remotely hot.

Hosni Mubarek says he will not run for re-election in Egypt.  So if nothing else, at least he’s smarter than Alan Grayson.

In a shocking story, over 100 sled dogs were shot dead in Canada after the 2010 Winter Olympics, when business didn’t boom as expected.  The business owner sad he got the idea after seeing what happened when the North Korean national soccer team went home.

NASA has announced that the next-generation Mars Rover will cost over $2.5 billion.  Even worse, to get one they have to lock into a 2-year contract with AT&T.

More than 75,000 packages of Hartz dog treats have been recalled due to concerns over Salmonella.  Hopefully the college guys who think it’s funny to cover those in chocolate and pass them off as “Exotic European Sweets” for Valentine’s Day will see this.

The USDA is allowing widespread public use of modified Alfalfa.  However, public Spanky is still widely frowned upon.  OR However, public use of Darla is only legal in Vegas.

A woman was arrested this week for attempting to mail a puppy from Minneapolis to Atlanta.  The stupidity level of this woman is incredible; it’ll get there MUCH faster with Fedex.

Japanese researchers say a trained Labrador can sniff out colorectal cancer.  I’ll buy that for now, but if they go on to say hamsters can do it too I’m calling them out as sicko ass freaks.

Thought For The Day: It takes a moment to say I Love You but a lifetime to show it.  That’s why I just repeat it a few times and hope they get the point.