There have been numerous important world events lately, events that will undoubtedly have lasting historical significance. Naturally, I’ve taken this time to think a great deal about cookies. I like everything about cookies, from making the dough to eating the dough to licking the dough off of the mixers and the bowl. The actual cookies are cool, too. Scientific Fact: it’s impossible to be in a bad mood while eating cookies. Go ahead, try it; it can’t be done. You physically cannot put a cookie into your mouth, chew it up and swallow it without getting a smile on your face. (*Note: This excludes any fat-free, low-cal, or any other type of so-called “Diet” cookies. These are not really cookies, but vulgar impostors that should be banned from existence. I’m currently formulating a class-action lawsuit to that extent, watch these pages for future updates) This is a foolproof way out of any bad day - stop, grab a cookie, and concentrate on it’s excellent cookie-ness for five minutes, and whatever was bothering you won’t seem so bad, I promise. Cookie Cookie Cookie starts with a capital C, and that rhymes with G, and that stands for Good (That staaaands for good!)
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.
... seventy six joke-jokes led the big parade ...
The Steelers lost. The Cavaliers finally won. The only way this week could get any better for Cleveland fans is if LeBitch blows out his knee in Boston.
Arnold Schwarzenneger says he is returning to acting. Just when Californians thought he couldn’t do any more damage.
The World Health Organization says that alcohol kills more people every year than violence, tuberculosis, and even more than HIV. In fact, the only three things that kill more people than alcohol are Denny’s Lumberjack Slam breakfasts, carpools with Lindsay Lohan, and parties at Charlie Sheen’s house.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy declared Thursday that multiculturalism has failed. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi agreed, saying that from now on he would only nail pure-bred Italian teenagers.
A new study says that overweight kids who exercise improve both their thinking and math skills. In fact, the study showed that after an hour of exercise most of them figured out how to cram 63% more Twinkies and bacon down their throats.
A recent marijuana study reveals that men who smoke it regularly have less of a sex drive than men who do not. In a related story, The National Association Of Wives issued a statement fully supporting the legalization of marijuana.
The Chinese government says it will begin turning its obsolete public phone booths into Wi-Fi hotspots. Superman is considering a lawsuit, saying it raises his chances of a tumor. OR Analysts say that with that much radiation, there’s a danger of thousands of Chinese Hulk’s being created.
A spokesman for the California Highway Patrol says CHP officers are stepping up their pursuit of drivers who violate the state’s cellphone law. They’ll still look the other way for drug smuggling and drive-by gang shootings, as long as you’re not Tweeting while it happens.
Canada returned to having a trade surplus in December. Financial analysts were surprised, with one saying “Man, who knew the rest of the world needed that much Maple Syrup?”
Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 42nd birthday this week. Once again she didn’t show up at the party I threw for her in room 217 of the Airport Ramada. So now I’m out the $42.50 for that three hour room rental. Pretty rude Jen. Pretty rude.
I find it entertaining that many of those gushing on Facebook/Twitter over Egypt’s successful protests are the same people who very recently were spouting off about how “People in The Middle East aren’t ready for Democracy, it won’t work there.” Not a judgement, just an observation.
Tennis news: Petra Kvitova of the Czech Republic reached the final of the Paris Open. Men everywhere were heard to ask “Is that the really hot one?”
The Mayor of Bell, California says death threats over the recent pay scandal in the city keep him from attending City Council meetings. That, and the meetings are always held at the same time as Dancing With The Stars.
Three Bad Pole Dancing Songs:
1 - My Name Is Luka
1 - My Name Is Luka
2 - Frosty The Snowman
3 - Theme Song From “The Facts Of Life”