Piers, Porn, Peanut Butter

Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re back ... it’s been such a long time, and I really do miss your smile.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... I’m not talking ‘bout jokin’ in, and I don’t want to change your life ...

NASA is checking space shuttle Discovery to see if it was damaged by a tool.  How Piers Morgan got on the launch pad in the first place is a mystery.

The federal government said that electronic flaws were not to blame for the sudden acceleration problems in Toyota’s. Well, if the government says so then it must be true.  I mean, when have they ever lied to us about anything?  I wonder what could have caused those Toyota problems ... probably those frickin’ Mexicans...

A California court has ruled that websites offering free pornography are not unfair to paid sites.  The judge said he had studied to evidence in this case long and hard, then took a nap, then studied it long and hard again but not quite as hard as the first time, then got a sandwich and watched a little football, then the cheerleaders were on the TV and it reminded him of the case so he studied it long and hard again and then had to sit funny for awhile.  

Keith Olbermann said Tuesday he's headed to Current TV, the public affairs channel launched six years ago by former Vice President Al Gore.  Analysts were surprised, saying “That thing’s still around?”

A new study says that teenagers whose families own a dog exercise far more than other teens.  In a related matter, they also go through WAY more peanut butter.

Due to the unrest in Egypt, the State Department has begun sending Twitter messages in Arabic.  Analysts say this may not work, since most of the tweets are either telling you how to get more Twitter followers or selling Viagra.

The Vatican said that Catholics cannot confess via a new iPhone app.  Insiders say the decision has nothing to do with faith, the church simply doesn’t want to pay the roaming charges.  OR In a related story, the FBI made the exact same statement to the mafia.  OR The national Coalition of Priests did say that texting in confessions was OK, as long as they’re accompanied by a photo of exactly what you did and your home address.

Janet Napolitano said this week that the terrorist threat against the U.S. is “at it’s most heightened state” since the attacks of September 11, 2001.  Damn right wingers, always using fear to...wait...

In a recent interview Justin Bieber revealed what he wants in a lady.  A surprising #1 on the list: a penis.

The second snowstorm in a week came through the midsection of the U.S.  Meteorologists say there’s a technical name for this phenomenon: it’s called “Winter.”

India has begun a massive census taking endeavor.  Strangely, the help line for questions about the forms is located in Mobile, Alabama.

Christina Aguilera will be part of a Grammy tribute to Aretha Franklin. Aguilera says she will perform Franklin’s big hit “R-E-S-P-O-N-D.”

A new study finds that childhood obesity is becoming a “very serious problem” in California.  It’s getting so bad that some Catholic priests are having to drive to Nevada to meet kids.

For the first time since 2007, people in Syria can directly log onto Facebook and YouTube without going through proxy servers abroad.  So all of your Syrian friends can now know immediately what you had for lunch, and see that video of a kid hitting a birthday clown in the nuts.