I’m getting older. I realized this today when I was trimming my ear hair which is not something you do when you’re younger. (Stay back, ladies; I know that’s incredibly hot but I am a happily married man) I know I’m not old, but I’m definitely not a kid anymore, and it’s giving me pause. I pause when getting out of a chair, I pause when consider eating anything spicy, and I pause far more than I used to to hit the boys room. It used to be Eight Tequila Shooters = One trip to the bathroom including a nap on the floor without pants. Now it’s Two cups of coffee = Six trips to the bathroom including one where I get to read the entire sports page ... if you get my drift. (Again, control yourselves, ladies) When I was younger I looked at people who were the age I am now and thought they had it all under control. I have nothing under control, but I have gained the experience and wisdom to know that neither did they - we’re all a little crazy. This has led me to not only accept but embrace the aging process; worrying won’t do any good anyway. We’re above the dirt, we’re breathing, and every ear hair we have to trim is like finding ZuZu’s petals in our pocket. Are you George Bailey or are you Mr Potter? Riddle yourself that one. I’m off to trim my nose hairs.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.
... Merry joking you wonderful old building and loan ...
The record cold is straining the power grid in Texas so badly, they only sent twelve people to the electric chair this week. Don’t worry though, they made the other nine inmates scheduled for execution stand outside naked until they froze to death, so they’re still on schedule.
A former New England mobster has been captured in the farmlands of Idaho after a decade on the run. Authorities became suspicious when the local potato market was taken over by “Vinnie and Tony’s Farm & Off-Track Betting Parlor.”
Heidi Montag claims that Jennifer Aniston “banned” her from the premier of “Just Go With It.” Yet another reason why I LOVE Jennifer Aniston.
Movie company Imax said it will install four digital theater systems in China. To accommodate China’s population, each theater will seat 1.5 billion people.
Women nationwide are thrilled that wedding dress retailer David's Bridal will now carry dresses from designer Vera Wang. Men nationwide simply giggle every time their bride-to-be says the word “Wang.”
An airline in Thailand is recruiting transgender flight attendants. Analysts say the ambiguity may hurt sales during their “Business Class With Happy Ending” promotion.
A politician in Belgium has suggested the women of that country go on a “sex strike” until the male dominated legislature fixes it’s many problems. Later that night in the government offices, that man was given a swirly, a pinkbelly, and locked in his locker by unknown culprits.
Vatican Radio marked eighty years in broadcasting this week with a celebration of the Catholic faith. They then announced that starting Monday they’re going Country.
Lindsay Lohan was in court again this week. Not to kick someone when they’re down, but can we just skip ahead to the part where she does Cinemax soft porn?
President Obama outlined his plan to expand high speed wireless Internet service to 98% of Americans. Great, first they force us to buy health insurance, now they force us to drop AT&T.