Scorpions, Sheen And 70's Shows

Sometimes I sprinkle things into the blog that I’ve already said.  For you, finding them is kind of like an Easter Egg Hunt, except without eggs and there are no prizes or creepy six foot tall multi-colored rabbits making kids scream and cry.  On a completely related note, did you know I’m on LinkedIn? Yeah, if you click HERE you’ll see I’m not lying (and you can send me a LinkedIn network request).  Why would I lie about this?  What kind of sicko would lie about something like this?  Who do you normally hang around?  You’re freaks.  Sick, twisted freaks.  Which explains a lot, actually.  Now go find those eggs before they go bad and I’m forced to hard boil them and donate them to the local pantry.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke...

A man passed through TSA security and took a flight from New York to Los Angeles yesterday with an expired boarding pass that wasn’t even in his name.  A TSA spokesman said that despite the massive security breach there was never any real danger to the plane though, as they did manage to take away his nosehair tweezers and a four ounce tube of toothpaste.

US scientists have used stem cell technology to create mice from two fathers, an advance that could help same-sex couples have their own genetic children one day.  Of course, this assumes that gay couples will want children that look like mice.

Supporters of Texas Governor Rick Perry say they want some space at the upcoming Iowa straw poll.  They also say for their straws, they want some of those awesome curly Mickey Mouse ones that go around your hat.

A man from Nantucket was freed recently on charges of kidnapping in Haiti.  However, he still faces possible arrest and extradition for grossly exaggerating the length of certain male body parts.

A passenger was stung by a scorpion on a recent Alaska Airlines flight.  The man said it was actually not as painful as the TSA search at check-in security.  OR Airline representatives apologized, but said it wouldn’t have happened if he’d just paid the $25 “No Scorpions” fee.

China opened the worlds longest overwater bridge. Something something something ... it’s Chinese so they’ll want to cross it again in an hour ... something something something Charlie Sheen. (Note to self: finish joke before adding to blog)

Former “Three’s Company” star Joyce DeWitt made her New York stage debut this week.  Critics have been giving solid reviews to the show, “Don’t Let Mr Furley See This Kitten.”

An American scuba diver was left behind on The Great Barrier Reef by an Australian tour company.  A tour spokesman said that apparently the boat captain had had just about enough of the divers’ stupid “Bloomin’ Onion” comments.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is considering stepping down later this year.  Between the sputtering economy and that damn Turbo Tax, it’s getting to be too big a job for one man.

THREE BAD WINE REVIEWS

-Smoky, with a hint of horse fart.

-Made me wistful for the week I had malaria.

-HULK SMASH!!!

A Collection Better Than Stamps But Not As Good As Locks Of Hair

Not a new blog, just a collection of a few of my recent favorites from the TV Clean category.  Hey, if you want a new blog every day, pay me.  No really, hire me on staff and pay me.  $2,000,000 per year and I'll do the daily giggle thing in your living room if you want.  If you ask politely and in proper English, I may even wear pants.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...and now, The Far Side Calendar 1987 (Name Copyright Pending)...

A Los Angeles couple was arrested on charges of arranging more than twenty fake marriages. Amazingly, only twelve of those marriages involved Larry King.

A recent study shows that male mice exposed to the chemical BPA - commonly found in canned food - tended to act more like females.  So mothers, if you see your son wearing Capri pants, cut back on the canned soup.  OR Apparently enough BPA can make males buy irrational amounts of shoes.

Luxury jeweler Bulgari has been purchased in a $5.19 billion deal.  From the prices I’ve seen, that’ll buy about six of their watches.

Consumer Reports Magazine release a poll saying that 63% of drivers under the age of thirty admitted to driving while being on the phone.  As for the other 37%, pollsters just kept getting a busy signal.

A new study says Hawaii is the happiest state in the Union.  The least happy?  Whatever state you return to after vacationing in Hawaii.

The Massachusetts Department of Education found large amounts of food more than six months past its expiration date in public school cafeterias.  The main problem appears to be that  the lunchrooms are run by public school graduates, who simply couldn’t read the dates.

The FBI announced recently that Friday is the most popular day for bank robberies. Immediately afterwards, bank tellers everywhere programmed their smartphones with the reminder “Call off sick Friday.”

City Council members in NYC announced they’re considering a ban of fast food toys.  Good.  Now the city’s completely safe.

Billy Joel has cancelled the memoir he was planning to write.  Apparently his ghost writer Davey is still in the Navy and probably will be for life.

Scientists say that a study using deep-water cameras has revealed how and where tiny ocean animals called Krill have sex.  The study also reveals that apparently, a lot of  scientists need to get a girlfriend.  

Drink Up Chuck And Di ... And Mel

Sheen’s kids are getting $55,000 a month in child support.  Man, I sure wish MY Dad had been a batshit crazy coke fiend.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...jokes from the really big shoe....

At the "Egalia" preschool, staff avoid using gender-specific words like "him" or "her" and address the thirty-three kids as "friends" rather than girls and boys.  MGM Resorts in Las Vegas has installed these kids as the early favorites for “Serial Killers Of The Year” in 2029.  OR Ladies and gentlemen, your next cast of “Hair!”

Scientists this week discovered a species of “inflatable” shark near the ocean floor.  Amazingly, there are already fifteen adult websites using this as a sexual fetish.

Attorneys say that Mel Gibsons divorce is nearly complete.  Just a few more t’s to cross and eyes to punch.

A Senate panel voted to OK continued US military operations in Libya today.  Asking for anonymity, one Senator said “Hey, anything to distract people from finding all of our tweeted penis pictures.”

A tax standoff in Congress has blocked any progress towards resolving the US debt crisis.  Apparently, Democrats and Republicans can’t agree on whether or not to allow the middle class to lube up first.

A recent study shows that male mice exposed to the chemical BPA - commonly found in canned food - tended to act more like females.  Apparently enough BPA can make males buy irrational amounts of shoes.  Hey, perhaps “too much BPA” explains all of those men in Capri pants?

Newsweek has published a computer generated image of what they believe Princess Di would have been like today at age fifty.  The verdict: Still out of Chuck’s league, and wondering why he married a trotter after her death.

Paul Revere And The World's Most Famous Rack

Seriously Hollywood, that’s the best crap you can put on TV?

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...joke me to the moon...

Hundreds of marchers rallied in Chicago and Los Angeles on Saturday for the "SlutWalk" movement aimed at dispelling the notion that a sexual assault victim's provocative dress could be responsible for an attack.  Ironically, most of the protesters hooked up that night, and could be seen doing the strikingly similar “Walk Of Shame” Sunday morning.

Protesters in Yemen danced, sang and slaughtered cows in a central square celebration this week.  Next week, fans in either Dallas or Miami will upstage them by overturning cars and looting electronics to celebrate their team winning the NBA title.  Yemeni’s are amateurs.

Seismologists in Italy are currently on trial for manslaughter, from not predicting an earthquake in 2009.  Hollywood is watching this trial closely, as it could set a precedent for suing the people who booked Kirstie Alley on Dancing With The Stars.

A new study shows that the bank who historically do the most Congressional lobbying received the biggest bailouts during the financial crisis.  In other shocking news that no one could possibly have anticipated, a professional athlete was arrested for something stupid, and the sun rose in the east.

Sarah Palin insists she “didn’t mess up” the story of Paul Revere recently.  She went on to say that his famous ride happened “Right after he drafted The Star Spangled Banner.”  OR Hearing this, Oliver Stone said “Yeah, and  ‘JFK‘ was historically accurate, too.”  OR  In a related story,  LeBron James insists that there was no premature celebration in Game 2, and that’s he not a selfish, spoiled bitch.

Dolly Parton has opened a dinner theater show called “Pirates Voyage” in South Carolina.  This will be the first time audience members at a Dolly Parton show will be concentrating on the Booty.

Officials in Germany say that beansprouts are likely the cause of the recent E-Coli outbreak.  Reason #2,000,006 why sprouts and health food suck.

The Return From A Long, Cold Winter. Or A Week In Alaska.

I’ve been busy lately.  Maybe if you people would start paying me to write this thing I’d be more attentive.  Nothing smaller than a $50, please.  What? The economy is down, I have to make bigger sales.  Buncha jerks.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...joking, on a jet plane....

DNA tests have linked Southern Leprosy cases to the Armadillo. Man, those people will have sex with ANYTHING.

Anrold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating after twenty-five years of marriage. Shriver says that since we’re now past the date when SkyNet was supposed to become self-aware, there’s no reason to hold onto her own personal Terminator as a safety net anymore.

A hospital in southwestern China reports that two conjoined twin girls were born in a single body, but with two heads.  Perverts who are into both Asian chicks and threesomes have already marked the twins’ 18th birthday in May 2029 in their calendar as a “Great Date In History.”

A new study says that most teens don’t know about the dangers of tanning beds. Apparently a majority of teens who were warned of the risks said “What do you know, old man? You don’t know what it’s like to be young and cool!”

A shortage of a drug for ADHD is said to have parents and patients scrambling.  Well, the patients are more likely scrambling due to the ADHD.  Scrambling, and scampering, and jitterbugging, and annoying everyone around them at the mall.

Scientists have discovered a stem cell that can reproduce different types of lung cells.  In a related story, Marlboro has cut their Ultra-Light brand, since it’s “no longer needed.”

Tiger Woods pulled out after nine holes this week, limping off the course.  To be fair, Tiger is in his mid-thirties now, and after nine you’d be limp...ing, too.

Ashton Kutcher will replace Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men.  Congratulations CBS, you found the one guy who can act even less than Charlie Sheen.

Jerusalem Ties

Today we’re featuring jokes. With a side of snark.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...What would we joke, baby, without us?

A Los Angeles couple was arrested on charges of arranging more than twenty fake marriages. Amazingly, only twelve of those marriages involved Larry King.

A new study says young children may make parents less physically fit. On the other hand, they tremendously increase their parents knowledge of Disney song lyrics.

A Philadelphia weight-loss doctor is facing indecent assault charges after he told a female patient that having sex with him would help her lose unwanted pounds.  What a stupid doctor; had he done it in a bar it would have been totally legal and probably would have worked. Location, location, location.

A Milwaukee couple discovered explosives in the wall of their home during a do-it-yourself repair project. Could have been worse, they could have discovered more photos of Brett Favre’s penis.

A Community College construction chief received a salary of $211,000 plus benefits. Students are outraged, with one saying “Do you know how many smoking lounge ashtrays we could have bought with that?”

Investigators are exploring the collision between an Air France jet and a smaller plane on JFK’s runway. It’s the first time anyone can remember a French jet not surrendering its territory.

A man in Jerusalem claims to have found two of the nails used to crucify Jesus Christ. Critics say it would be more believable if it was on an episode of “Hoarders.”

An Applebees restaurant accidentally served alcohol to a toddler. No one knew until later that night, when the parents found the child in his room listening to George Thorogood at full volume and giving the “devil horns” fingers.

The only penis museum in the world is located in Iceland. Iceland was chosen because its frigid temperatures helped the museum save over half of its original proposed space.

Crack, Cuervo & The Cavs

A random observation to open today’s blog: 

When someone tells me they hid something in plain sight, I just assume the person they’re hiding it from is an unobservant idiot.  Also probably easy to beat at Hide-N-Seek.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...Monday, Tuesday, jokey-days...

Ke$ha says she wants to skinny dip with Britney Spears. At least now we know where that black cobra was trying to go.

A Chilean man has eighty-two tattoos of Julia Roberts on his body.  He previously had ninety-six, but after seeing “Eat Love Pray” he said “I had to do SOMETHING.”

A man convicted of murdering a motivational speaker was sentenced to prison yesterday in NYC.  In his defense, he was only taking the speaker’s words “Plan It And DO It!” and putting them into action.

Southwest Airlines found crack in five of their older planes and grounded them. Mercedes Benz announced a safety recall on over 130,000 of their M-Class vehicles. The overlap between the two safety issues is expected to be nearly zero.

A United Airlines pilot pleaded not guilty to flying drunk in federal court this week.  He went on to say that maybe if his bosses didn’t bitch at him all the time he wouldn’t HAVE to drink so much.

Despite a blowout that sank one of its rigs and caused a huge oil spill, Transocean Ltd described 2010 as its "best year in safety."  In a similar story, the Cleveland Cavaliers have described 2011 as their “best year in the NBA.” OR In a similar story, Lindsay Lohan described 2011 as her “best year in rehab.”  

Researchers announced that seeing a milkshake can activate the same areas of the brain that light up when an addict sees cocaine.  Consequently, the FBI slapped Kelis with millions of federal drug indictments for bringing boys to the yard.

NATO officials say that the recent strikes have destroyed 30% of Libya’s military power. So by power of deduction they have seven groups of teenage boys in the street throwing rocks remaining.

The list of the Top 10 albums & singles on iTunes makes me both question the existence of both a loving God, yet thank him for the existence of Cuervo.

An Arizona Judge has delayed the scheduled execution of an inmate. Reportedly the judge asked “Dude you want to kill is white; are we allowed do that here?”

The FBI announced that Friday is the most popular day for bank robberies. Bank teller smartphones everywhere were then programmed with the reminder “Call off sick Friday.”

City Council members in NYC announced they’re considering a ban of fast food toys.  Good.  Now the city’s completely safe.

Pamplona And The Piano Man

“I’m back.” -- Michael Jordan, 1995

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

...joking on the sunny side of the street...

That black cobra form the Bronx Zoo will probably go to jail when they catch it. A white cobra would get probation or a halfway house.

A group has found a shipwreck in the waters of Lake Michigan that may date back to the 1830’s. Anderson Cooper immediately asked Larry King if he remembered the incident. OR Late night comedians immediately blamed the wreck on Sarah Palin.

Scientists have found 2,000 year old coral near a BP oil well in the gulf. A BP spokesman apologized, and assured stockholders that in the future they’d kill every single thing around their wells.

Spanish scientists are searching for the “fuel of the future.”  So far their ideas consist mostly of bulls chasing men in red sashes around on oversized hamster wheels.

A senior Libyan official has resigned.  His resignation says he’s pursuing other opportunities, and really hopes he gets the Tigerblood intern position.

Japan has asked the U.S. and France for assistance in their nuclear crisis.  Neither was helpful, as France advised them to immediately surrender and the U.S. said “Well, just drop it on...nevermind.”

The $319 million MegaMillions jackpot went to seven I.T. workers at the New York state Division of Housing and Community Renewal. In other words, there are seven job openings in the I.T. department at the New York State Division of Housing and Community Renewal.

A former NBA referee was charged with attacking Atlanta Hawks Hall of Famer Dominique Wilkins. When accused, the referee lifted both of his hands over his head and had a look of complete shock on his face while mouthing the words “I never touched him!”  The crowd booed.

Men with small penises everywhere were disappointed on Opening Day to learn that the book “A Game Of Inches” is actually about baseball.

A Tiawanese company pled guilty this week in a case of dumping waste into a harbor in American Samoa. They had originally planned to fight the charges, but their attorney burst out laughing every time anyone said “dumping,” so they pled it out.

German doctors advised by government to give patients more placebos. In a related story, the Weinstein family has decided to switch to French doctors.

Billy Joel has cancelled the memoir he was planning to write.  Apparently his ghost writer Davey is still in the Navy and probably will be for life.

McDonalds sales were up across Europe in February.  Remember that next time some coffee house pseudo-intellectual tells you how much smarter Europeans are.

KIA has recalled over 70,000 of it’s Optima’s.  A spokesman for the company said “We sold 70,000 of those pieces of crap?  Really?”

Hey Chuck Lorre, I'm Available (No, Really)

You know that guy in the movies who has all of the success, all of the money, and all of the possessions and then learns that love is more important?  That’s me, except without the success, money, or possessions.  I guess if you learn that lesson about love early in life you’re forced to skip the other parts.  Crap.  Hey Chuck Lorre, I’ll take the “open” role on your sitcom for whatever Hollywood’s League Minimum happens to be.  Just call.  Or email.  Or Tweet.  Or look outside, I’m on your lawn.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... joking, but only half joking Mr. Lorre ...

A Turkish zoo says a tiger killed a lion when it stuck its paw through a narrow gap in a door dividing their cages.  Before being tranquilized, the Tiger claimed to be “Winning and full of Charlie Blood.”

A NASA scientist claimed this weekend to have found evidence of alien life.  It turns out he had accidentally bumped his radio transmitter and was picking up TigerBlood Radio instead.  OR Told there’s life on other planets, William Shatner asked “Are they hot?”

Thirty inches of snow blanketed upstate New York and Vermont.  Charlie Sheen’s plane was halfway there before his staff could convince him “No, it’s just snow Charlie; REAL snow.”

The most expensive painting ever sold at auction is Pablo Picasso’s “Nude, Green Leaves, And Bust.”  Art aficionados say the price could have gone even higher, if it wasn’t for the “Green Leaves” part.

Luxury jeweler Bulgari has been purchased in a $5.19 billion deal.  From the prices I’ve seen, that’ll buy about six of their watches.

Gas prices rose again this week, due to unrest in Libya.  That’s a much better reason than last week, when they raised gas prices because The Oscars sucked.  Way better than next week’s excuse, when they’ll raise gas prices again because “The sun was in our eyes.”

Consumer Reports Magazine release a poll saying that 63% of drivers under the age of thirty admitted to driving while being on the phone.  As for the other 37%, pollsters just kept getting a busy signal.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid says that due to unrest in the Middle East, he wants to “tap the Strategic Oil Reserves.”  What he didn’t say is that “Strategic Oil Reserves” is the stage name of his favorite Vegas stripper.

A small colony of emperor penguins on an island off the West Antarctic Peninsula is gone, and some scientists want to blame Global Warming.  I say we should wait a little while; it is Spring Break season, maybe they just went to Vegas or something.

Crying in the Miami Heat locker room = giggling & giant boner.

A new study says Hawaii is the happiest state in the Union.  The least happy?  Whatever state you return to after vacationing in Hawaii.

It’s been revealed that Britain’s Prince Andrew received a large sum of money from an American pedophile.  Reached for comment, Prince Andrew said “I don’t understand what I did wrong, Hugh Hefner offered me a check and I took it.  What?”

Singer Marc Anthony has joined the cast of TNT’s “Hawthorne.”  People took note around Hollywood, saying “That show’s still on?”

I’m starting to wonder exactly how many paid sick days you get if you work in the Wisconsin legislature.

Sean Penn says he thinks Charlie Sheen could do a lot of good in Haiti.  Sean, Haiti just had a devastating earthquake and now you want to send Charlie down there?  How much do you think these poor people can take?

THREE BAD SPORTS MASCOTS

-The Fighting Aereolas

-The Granola Munching Hippies

-A Gaggle Of Effeminate Men

Delayed By The Cloud

OK, this blog was supposed to post several days ago, but I was in internet H E Double Hockey Sticks so it’s just posting now.  If you think some of these topics are dated, meet me in the alley behind the In-N-Out in Hollywood at 10PM sharp and we’ll settle this.  Bring Yahtzee.  Punk.

As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

... a joke is a joke is a joke, of course ...

A new law in New York says it’s illegal to have a dog tied up for more than three hours.  However, the law is vague about any time limit if she’s hot.

A new study found that a small nuclear war could reverse the effects of global warming.  Dear President Obama: Libya. Two birds, one stone: Hint, hint.

Thirteen Mexican troops have been arrested and charged with transporting drugs.  The most shocking part of the story is that they only managed to catch THIRTEEN of them.

The internet went dark in Libya yesterday, but traffic at porn sites was stable.  Like we always do, American men stepped in to pick up the slack and keep the world economy going.

Charlie Sheen has apparently said “Tiger Blood” one too many times; last night Elin Nordegren showed up and hit him in the head with a nine iron.

A new study says that teens and young adults are having less sex than they did a decade ago.  Experts say this could be tied to another recent study that said teens and young adults are fatter than a decade ago.

Scientists say that a study using deep-water cameras has revealed how and where tiny ocean animals called Krill have sex.  The study also reveals that scientists need to get a girlfriend.  

Orange County, California announced the participants in the Festival Of Whales this week.  Executives at Dancing With The Stars are threatening a lawsuit, claiming they already have a signed contract with Kirstie Alley.

63% of all web videos no longer require flash.  However, 88% of all viewed web videos involve flashing of some kind.

Wait a minute: I thought the middle east didn’t want democracy?

A 500-foot Ferris wheel, which would be the tallest in the Western Hemisphere, may be built on the Las Vegas strip.  Newly released ads on trucks in the city promise that by calling a 1-800 number, you can go “once around” for $500.

A recent U.S. News And World Report article tried to help people decide what kind of mortgage to obtain.  Here’s a thought: How about going for the one you can afford?