Saturday, May 14, 2011

The Return From A Long, Cold Winter. Or A Week In Alaska.

I’ve been busy lately.  Maybe if you people would start paying me to write this thing I’d be more attentive.  Nothing smaller than a $50, please.  What? The economy is down, I have to make bigger sales.  Buncha jerks.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
...joking, on a jet plane....
DNA tests have linked Southern Leprosy cases to the Armadillo. Man, those people will have sex with ANYTHING.
Anrold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating after twenty-five years of marriage. Shriver says that since we’re now past the date when SkyNet was supposed to become self-aware, there’s no reason to hold onto her own personal Terminator as a safety net anymore.
A hospital in southwestern China reports that two conjoined twin girls were born in a single body, but with two heads.  Perverts who are into both Asian chicks and threesomes have already marked the twins’ 18th birthday in May 2029 in their calendar as a “Great Date In History.”
A new study says that most teens don’t know about the dangers of tanning beds. Apparently a majority of teens who were warned of the risks said “What do you know, old man? You don’t know what it’s like to be young and cool!”
A shortage of a drug for ADHD is said to have parents and patients scrambling.  Well, the patients are more likely scrambling due to the ADHD.  Scrambling, and scampering, and jitterbugging, and annoying everyone around them at the mall.
Scientists have discovered a stem cell that can reproduce different types of lung cells.  In a related story, Marlboro has cut their Ultra-Light brand, since it’s “no longer needed.”
Tiger Woods pulled out after nine holes this week, limping off the course.  To be fair, Tiger is in his mid-thirties now, and after nine you’d be, too.
Ashton Kutcher will replace Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men.  Congratulations CBS, you found the one guy who can act even less than Charlie Sheen.