Daily Monologue Jokes 9/30

Today is the sea sickness version of what Mary Hart may have called “The funniest joke blog I read today.”  When it comes to nausea, sometimes it IS the motion of the ocean; and the ocean is motioning something wicked today.  You should pass this blog on to everyone you know.  If you don’t, I may just send you photos of what I had for breakfast... three hours after I ate it... you dig?

As always, see more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by making hollow promises and giving me cubic zirconia nipple rings.

Ireland will have to pump $16 billion more into the country's crippled banking system.  Upon hearing the news, Irish citizens rushed to local pubs, drank Guiness until they could barely stand, then pummeled each other in bar and street fights until breakfast.  In other words, their normal Thursday routine seemed unaffected.

Snooki has signed a book deal.  Terms of the deal were not disclosed, but it’s thought that if she can finish reading the book, THEN she can go outside and play.  OR The working title is apparently “Only In America: How An Untalented, Illiterate Skank Made It To The Top.”  OR The pint sized star of Jersey Shore is apparently taking it seriously, spending many hours drinking and partying with strangers while a ghostwriter makes up stories about her doing something productive.

Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlesberger have apparently been exchanging text messages leading up to this Sunday’s Steelers-Ravens game.  Lewis texted that if Ben was playing this week, he’d stab him in the face.  Roethlesberger replied that he’d be “busy with your sister” if you get our drift.

Congress seems poised to pass legislation to turn down the volume on those loud TV commercials that send couch potatoes diving for their remote controls.  So we know that  the priorities in Washington DC are lined up properly, as always.

Rahm Emanuel will resign as White House chief of staff on Friday and will begin his campaign for Chicago mayor.  Emanuel’s first meeting will be with campaign staff, to discuss Chicago-style voter intimidation strategies.

Retail vitamin company GNC disclosed in an SEC filing that it plans an IPO of $350 million.  GNC says that initial investors who follow a daily twenty-minute routine will add forty pounds of muscle to their portfolio in under six months.

A company called CoolSculpting has a new machine that can help you lose weight through a process called “Fat Blasting.”  Funny, I always thought “Fat Blasting” was something you had to do one night during Fraternity pledge week.

Senator Al Franken on Thursday called on federal agencies to investigate the foreclosure practices of government-controlled Ally Financial.  The request took nearly four hours to complete on the Senate floor, since every sentence ended with the phrase “...and this request is sent in by me...Al Franken.”

Democratic Rep. Debbie Wasserman Shultz recently warned of the “risky gamble” of investing Social Security money privately.  Yes, far better to leave it with Washington, where it’s a “sure thing” that your money will never be seen or heard from again.

McDonald's denies reports it's considering dropping health coverage for some employees in response to a provision of the health care overhaul.  In what a McDonald’s spokesman says is an unrelated story, a small order of fries now costs $16.99.

Police in southwestern Germany hit approximately 1,500 protesters with water cannons Thursday as they demonstrated against a railway project.  Police said it was not a disciplinary measure against the protestors, but simply with that many European men in the street simultaneously, it just smelled awful.

Statistics say the average American eats nine doughnuts per year.  Statistics also show that the average American lies egregiously about how many doughnuts they eat per year.  OR That number drops to 2.3 doughnuts per year if Kirstie Alley is left out of the stats.

China is reportedly closer to its goal of having a moon landing by 2012.  US officials say this could bankrupt the Chinese economy, as once they get there, they’ll just want to go back again an hour later.  OR Good news: China is reportedly closer to its goal of having a moon landing by 2012.  Bad news: From there, it will take FOREVER to get your Kung Pao Chicken delivered.

The lead attorney is requesting to leave the Rod Blagoyevich defense team.  It’s nothing to do with the case, he’s just recently developed an allergy to Alberto VO5.

*THREE BAD...BATTLE CRIES*

“Remember where we parked the car!!!”

“Hey!  Some of us might make it!  CHAAAAAARGE!!!”

“Did you ever see the episode of Family Ties where Alex took speed!?! That ROCKED!!!”

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/29

On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.  If by “Philadelphia” you mean “Las Vegas,” and by “On the whole,” you mean “On the bed with five hot strippers who have repressed gag reflexes.”  You can help make this happen by following this blog and passing it on to your local really important people who could give me a high paying writing gig on a late night talk show.  You know...those guys...

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or by slipping a rufie into my white wine spritzer.

Tens of thousands of people took to the streets of Europe Wednesday to protest the budget-slashing, pension-cutting plans of some nations, insisting that saving their jobs was vital to their home country’s survival.  The message-defeating fact that they all left work to go to a protest in the middle of a Wednesday didn’t seem to occur to any of them.

Amtrak has announced plans for a multi-billion dollar high speed train service on the east coast of the U.S.  When surveyed, most Americans said “Amtrak is still around?”

An apartment in New York City was overrun by hundreds of venomous spiders.  In response, the landlord changed the rental listing to read “Outdoorsman’s Dream In Manhattan!”

Congress is warning that unless emergency funding is approved this week, the federal government may shut down starting October 1.  Yeah...because that would be bad...you know, if the federal government stopped “doing things”...who knows, without their help we might actually get out of a recession or something...

Amy Fisher, the “Long Island Lolita” form the Joey Buttafuoco case in the 1990’s, has signed an eight film deal to do porno movies.  After being shown the first film’s trailer showcasing Fisher’s “skills,” 85% of men said “Oh yeah, I’d have nailed her too.  Did you see that?”

Nancy Pelosi promised four years ago that Democrats would lead "the most honest, most open, most ethical Congress in history,” and stood by that promise in a recent statement.  The statement was leaked off the record, after a closed-door meeting by unknown parties on expanding governmental internet wiretaps, through Congressional censors who blacked out half of the statement for “unstated security reasons.”

Jimmy Carter will stay in an Ohio hospital for a second night, recovering from a bout of air sickness.  Luckily for Carter, he has the Federal Governments’ taxpayer funded health care plan, which is a million times better than anything you could ever hope to get.

Swedish fashion group H and M reported disappointing third-quarter earnings on Wednesday and said it would open fewer stores than planned this year.  Discouraged Swedish citizens will therefore not be able to sport the latest fashions, and will have to settle for regular clothing while being over six feet tall, blonde, and simply genetically more beautiful than anyone else in the world.  Poor bastards.

Bad news: A Los Angeles City Controller said recently that the city’s “red light cameras” aren’t working in many cases.  Good news: The LA City Council breathed a sigh of relief when informed that the city’s “red light district” is working just fine.

Decades after a mechanical pine-tree digger first unearthed it, an extraordinary trove of dinosaur fossils in central Spain is revealing its secrets.  Among the most stunning secrets revealed so far are that despite their size the T-Rex were not good bullfighters, the Triceratops was an excellent dancer, and most of the herbivores were actually on Team Jacob.

Great Lakes researchers say the long-dreaded invasion of Lake Michigan by Asian Carp may turn out to be less ferocious than once expected, because a population of tiny mussels is gobbling up the Carps’ primary food source before they can arrive.  Strangely, this is the same reason no one can ever go to dinner at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.

Britney Spears said that the latest episode of Glee “Brings back so many memories!”  Like the time she first had sex as a teenager...and the next 468 times she had sex as a teenager...and that scary ten minutes waiting to see if the stick turned blue...and that even scarier night waiting for the results of the “broad spectrum STD bloodwork...”

*AN OPEN LETTER...*

Dear “Sunglasses Inside At Night Guy,”

You are having the exact opposite effect of what you intended.  Not only are you not cool, but we would like to strongly recommend that you douche it down a notch or two...or twenty.

Sincerely,

The Public At Large

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/28

So many of you ladies are emailing and asking if I really want you to send nude photos.  Of course not.  They don't have to be completely nude.  Lingerie is fine.  Even just some short shorts.  Heck, a summer dress that reveals a little sideboob is juuust fine.  The main thing is to pass this blog on to all of your friends, especially the ones who are connected to any writing gigs.  (After the boobie pics, of course)

More of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or if you run near me in the annual "5k Nudie Run."

Former President Jimmy Carter is said to be OK after suffering a recent bout of air sickness.  I cannot confirm reports that the sickness was due to a giant rabbit that jumped onto the plane from a lake.

The Grand Ole Opry is set for a star studded reopening this week, with a few changes.  The most controversial is the new policy of “No shirt, no shoes, no nailin’ yer sister.”

Good news: A telescope in Hawaii has discovered an asteroid that will pass within four million miles of Earth.  Bad news: The researcher operating this particular telescope has been outed as gay, since every other telescope in Hawaii is trained on teeny tiny beach bikinis, or hotel room windows trying to catch drunken tourists doin’ it.

A new study say that severely obese people who undergo weight-loss surgery may have a higher-than-average risk of suicide in the years following the procedure.  According to the study, the main reason for the depression stems from losing all of the weight and finding out they don’t really have a great personality or a pretty face after all.

Studies suggest that U.S. middle-school students in team sports appear to be both physically and mentally better off than those who aren't.  The main reason for the better self-esteem comes from the sense of camaraderie the students feel, when they and their teammates work together to beat up the kids in the band and the advanced math classes.

Genetic fragments buried in the cells of songbirds indicate that a family of hepatitis-B-like viruses is at least nineteen million years old, much more ancient than previously thought.  This flies in the face of conventional scientific beliefs, which had blamed the advent of the disease on Courtney Love.

New footage of Neil Armstrong’s historic moon walk has been discovered in Australia.  In the Aussie footage, Armstrong leaves his well-known first footprint, then wrestles a croc and orders a Bloomin’ Onion.

Paleontologists in Spain have found the largest fossilized thigh bone of a dinosaur ever discovered in Europe over the weekend.  No word yet on whether it is indeed connected to the shinbone.  OR The scientists have named the huge new creature the “Kirstie-saur.”

The world's first beer to be certified for consumption in space will soon undergo tests in weightlessness to see if it is brewed with the right stuff.  If the beer is approved, NASA expects to announce a Friday night mission to “the dark side of the moon.”  OR If approved, astronauts are expected to giggle and say that every new mission will “see Uranus!”

Jeffery Jones, the actor who played the principal in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" will serve three years of probation after pleading guilty to failing to update his sex offender registry info.  The judge settled on the probation after first asking Jones “So how would you feel about another whole yeeeear of high school?”

A new study says that teenagers think sports drinks like Gatorade are healthier than soda.  This is not surprising, since teenagers also believe that Justin Beiber is a “musician,” Dane Cook is “freaking hilarious,” and that “things will be so much easier when I get out on my own.”

Greek researchers say that children who derive all their nutrition from breast-milk during their first six months of life are less prone to a host of common infections.  They are also far more likely to become “tit men” rather than “leg men.”

Swearing can actually be good for you mentally and offer a stress release, according to a new study published in the latest issue of the journal “Psychosomatics.”  Reportedly, Alec Baldwin emailed the article to Kim Basinger along with a note that read “Get off your f*#king ass and read this f*#king article, you dumb f*#king bitch.” OR Opponents of the research scoffed at the idea, saying “The guys who did that study are a couple of assholes who should just go f*#k off.”  OR If that’s true, then Mel Gibson must be the most relaxed guy on the planet.

Health officials reported Tuesday that the Swine flu no longer represents a major threat to the U.S. population.  In other statements of the obvious, they also reported that we’re no longer threatened by The Spanish Armada or renegade bands of Mongol Hordes.

Fox has reportedly cancelled the show “Lone Star.”  Wow, who could have imagined that a show about a philandering con man thief and his scumbag criminal father wouldn’t have resonated with everyday Americans?

*THREE BAD...BIKER GANG SLOGANS*

Baddest In The Breakroom

Hey, Let's Talk This Out

Whooooo Wants Muffins?!?!

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/27

So I've been thinking lately about how to get more publicity and notoriety for my joke blog.  My current strategy of writing quality material and threatening to force readers to see photos of my genitals unless they promote me seems to be falling short of its goals (though for the life of me I can't understand why).  So I've come up with a new strategy:  writing quality material and threatening to force readers to see photos of Andy Rooney's genitals unless they promote me.  It really is your call, but having been through this particular hell, I don't recommend it. CLICK THE FOLLOW BUTTON TO THE RIGHT OF THIS PAGE AND YOU CAN AVOID THIS FATE!

As always, you can see more of me on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by plying me with 18 Year Old Macallan and some shallow flattery.

According to a new study, women apologize more frequently than men.  One main reason for the discrepancy is that in order to apologize, a man would have to first admit that he was wrong about something.  Another even larger factor seems to be that women are completely batshit crazy.

Good News: President Obama said recently that he wants 10,000 new Math and Science teachers hired, in an attempt to help the education system.  Bad news: Since we’re so bad at math, only 488 applications for teaching positions were printed.

Some executions in the U.S. have been put on hold because of a shortage of one of the drugs used in lethal injections.  Courts are currently reviewing the legalities involved in simply taking the death row prisoners to a party Lindsay Lohans house.

Ten years ago, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration approved use of the abortion pill by American women.  Just think, if it wasn’t for governmental red tape, the pill could have been approved six years earlier and we could have avoided this Justin Beiber thing altogether.

A new study indicates that patients with the most aggressive form of prostate cancer are good candidates for prostate surgery.  I am not kidding, they actually spent money for  study to see if prostate patients are good candidates to have prostate surgery.  Next month: a $10 million study on whether men or women are better candidates for vasectomies!

A national doctors group released a statement that American youths are still too often exposed to media depicting smoking and drinking in a favorable light, and they want it stopped.  In all fairness the groups motives may be questionable, as it must be pointed out that many of todays doctors were routinely beaten up in high school by the cool kids who smoked and drank.

In the airborne equivalent of Wal-Mart buying K-Mart, Southwest Airlines today acquired AirTran in a $1.4 billion dollar deal.  A Southwest representative said the deal could have been done weeks ago, but they got stuck with a “C Group” boarding card.  OR  Delta Airlines immediately responded by implementing a $25 per passenger “Southwest Just Bought AirTan Fee.”

The spokesman for a White House-appointed panel examining the BP oil spill compared the federal government's underestimate of the spill's size to General George Custer's fatal lowballing the number of Indians at Little Big Horn.  When reminded that the preferred term is “Native Americans,” the spokesman replied “Oh who cares, how many Indians are left out there anyway?  Geez, go cry about litter or open a casino or something, Chief Whines Like A Girl.”

After being arrested for DUI this past week, Jets receiver Braylon Edwards was forced to sit out the 1st quarter of New York’s Sunday nigh game in Miami, missing a total of seventeen plays.  Thank you NFL, for once again teaching the young people of America a tough, strong lesson about the dangers of drunken driving.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez held onto parliament but lost a large percentage of his majority in this weeks elections.  Pundits say the Chavez administration views this as a “strong warning” for their re-election strategy in two years.  Namely, they will go out and offer even “stronger warnings” to opposition voters...if you get our drift...

Russian cosmonauts said Monday they are disappointed that they had to return to the International Space Station after their Soyuz spacecraft failed to undock.  Their biggest disappointments are that the space station only gets basic cable, and they’ve already read all of the Playboys.

A new study says that the Bonobo, one of humans’ closest primate relatives, has a better  chance of getting intimate with a fertile female if it stays in close proximity to its own mother.  High school chess clubs and debate teams are hailing the study as a breakthrough of incredible proportions.  OR Loosely translated, the word “Bonobo” means “I.T. Department.”  OR The study was funded by a grant from Paramount Studios, which in a completely and totally unrelated story announced the release of a new movie version of “Oedipus Rex.”

Senator Cordoba has been kicked out of the Columbian Congress.  Among the reasons given was his participation in the illegal importing of rich, Corinthian leather.  (Wow am I dating myself with that one)

Pakistan has been chosen to head the U.N. atomic agency's governing body, despite its refusal to accept the nonproliferation treaty and its link to the nuclear black marketeer who supplied Iran and North Korea.  In other similarly well thought out moves, the UN appointed France as the head of the committee on marital fidelity, Scotland as the head of the UN council on suntanning, and Transylvania will lead the new UN task force on nocturnal safety.

*THREE BAD...HOUSING DEVELOPMENT NAMES*

Landfill Estates

Cramming In The Bandboxes

Hills Of No Background Check...If You Get Our Drift

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/24-26

Hilo to Honolulu, Honolulu to Dallas, Dallas to St Louis, St Louis back to Dallas, Dallas to Orlando, Orlando to Miami, Miami to Nassau.  Nonstop.  That’s why no jokes for two days.  I’ll make it up to you with personal gifts.  By “make it up to you”  I mean “pulling my own finger, cutting the cheese, and giggling about it,” and by “personal gifts” I mean “MP3’s of the cheese-cutting.”  Allow six to eight weeks for delivery.

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or through a high-powered telephoto lens from the adjacent apartment building.  Ya sick, twisted freaks.

Good news: Mocked for years on "Saturday Night Live" as a clueless blind man, Governor Patterson of New York appeared on the show's season premiere and got in some shots of his own.  Bad news:  Patterson actually thought he was on The Daily Show.

Organizers of the Commonwealth Games in New Delhi, India scrambled to finish facilities and reassure athletes Sunday amid warnings that the games might not be ready for opening ceremony.  Unfortunately, their frantic calls for help were routed to the help center in New Delhi, India where they were put on hold for over fourteen hours.

Newark NJ schools received a $100 million gift from the founder of Facebook this week.  Unconfirmed reports from friends say Mark Zuckerberg made the donation after waking from a dream he had, in which he was told he’d missed a test in high school and didn’t really graduate.  He then panicked and made the donation hoping school administrators would cover it up.

A new train taking rich Russians from Moscow to the town of Nice in the French Riviera has had a successful launch, with over 10,000 tickets sold.  Oddly, only 387 return tickets have been sold.

Statistics indicate that emergency room visits for ice hockey-related injuries among U.S. children aged 9 to 14 increased 163% in the past five years.  Watch out Canada, we’re 163% better at hockey now!

Australian climate change activists closed down operations at the world's largest coal port after entering its three terminals and attaching themselves to loaders.  This is a dangerous move for their personal safety, as studies show that activists burn cleaner than coal.

Iran's official news agency says a complex computer worm has affected the personal computers of staff at the country's first nuclear power plant weeks before the facility is to go online.  Israeli officials have denied any knowledge of the claim, saying “What, my brother David owns a computer store, so you want I should know about some worm somewhere?  Oy, you’re all Meshuge!”

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill today to aid in the search for missing children.  Lawmakers say the final hurdle to the bill was overcome when they agreed to Schwarzenegger’s demands to add a clause requiring police to yell “Get to the chopper!  Noooowwwww!!” whenever a child is found.

Good news: September is Bourbon Heritage Month, and the National Bourbon Council released a list of five ways to celebrate.  Bad news: Four of the ways end with a shirtless appearance on “Cops.”

Alexander Martin, an extreme paddler who launched a cross-country canoe trip in Portland, Ore., has completed the journey 4,300 miles later in Portland, Maine.  A spokesman for the American Canoe Association says it's unclear if Martin's feat represented a record because there are no comprehensive records for cross-country paddles.  Instead of keeping track of such thing, most people apparently waste their time having jobs and getting laid.

Brewery Caulier in southern Belgium has produced a beer fermented under a full moon that it plans to release on Halloween.  Reports indicated the beer is stronger, with a longer lasting aftertaste, and just a hint of Werewolf.  Beer experts say it goes best when served in a sterling silver chalice with garlic and wolfsbane.

*THREE BAD...STRIPPER STAGE NAMES*

Aunt Cathy

Brussel Sprout

Goliath

Uplifting Thoughts

When I was a boy we had a flat tire once, and a kindly older gentleman stopped on his own, helped us change the tire, and basically saved our family trip.  Now that I'm older with a family of my own, whenever I see someone stranded on the side of the road I think of that man, and I wonder if he survived the savage beating we gave him before we stole his cash and credit cards.  He could still be in that ditch for all I know, maybe he'll show up on "Cold Case" or something one of these days.  That's why they call it stranger danger, I guess.

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/23

So which is funnier: Bill Clinton falling into a 55 gallon drum of boogers, or Bill Clinton falling into a 55 gallon drum of monkey doody?  It's election season people, if you can't make decisions like this how the HELL are you going to vote?


See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or if you install a secret camera in my shower.

The U.S. delegation walked out of the U.N. speech of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Thursday.  A spokesman said it wasn’t that they were offended by Ahmadinejad, but that they’d seen it all before - “If we wanted to listen to some crazy idiot talk about how evil America is, we can call up Dennis Kucinich anytime we want.”

In a recent poll, half of California voters said they want Nancy Pelosi replaced as Speaker Of The House.  The other half went to California public schools, so they had no idea who Nancy Pelosi was, what The Speaker Of The House is, and were more concerned with whether or not Tony Danza and Judith Light ever figured out Who actually was The Boss.

Sesame Street will not air a taped segment of Katy Perry singing a version of her hit song Hot-N-Cold on the show, saying that her gold bustier top wasn’t appropriate for a kids show.  A Sesame Street executive said “While she was singing we saw Big Bird playing with ‘Mr Snuffleuffagus,” so what do you think will happen if we show it to kids?”

Kevin Costner has appealed to Congress for them to adopt his $895 million Gulf oil spill cleanup plan.  Reportedly, Congressional aides sent back a secret note that read “OK, if you promise to never, ever, ever direct another movie again.  Ever.”

Archaeologists say scrawl on the back of a letter recovered from a 17th century dig site reveals a previously unknown language spoken by indigenous peoples in northern Peru.  Well, they say it’s either that or a note scribbled by Lindsay Lohan on coke.

JD Power & Associates says U.S. auto dealers have been seeing stronger new-vehicle sales in September after a tumultuous summer.  Apparently there was nowhere to go but up after summer sales were 0.

Senior Palestinian officials said their side would consider an expected U.S.-brokered compromise on Israeli settlement-building in the West Bank.  The only small change the Palestinian officials said they wanted was to include the clause “and then all the Jews will die” at the end of every sentence.

According to a recent study, women given a placebo pill can feel an improvement in sexual response and performance.  The pill used in the study is called a “Rufinal.”

NBA commissioner David Stern has advised Gilbert Arenas not to talk about the former All-Star's felony gun conviction.  In an attempt to show he’s learned his lesson and grown, Arenas replied “I thank Mr Stern for his direction in this matter and for the second chance he’s allowing me in the NBA.  But if he doesn’t shut his bitch mouth, I’ll put a cap up his ass.  He knows I’m packin’, right?”

*FAILED FIRST DRAFTS*

Two roads diverged in a wood - and I took the one less traveled, as on that road it would take longer for anyone to find the mangled bodies of the Hungarian dwarf minstrel troupe I offed in a meth haze

Don’t count your chickens before they do algebra

I want to hold your hand and gall bladder

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/22

So it's only about forty days until the election, which means you have to decide if you're on my side or the terrorists side.  If you don't pull that lever and click the follow button to the right of this page, and convince at least 1 million others to do the same, then the terrorists win.  is that what you want?  Is it?  I'm disgusted by this...I'm going to clear my head and go walk around the outer decks naked again.


See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or if you follow me into the bathroom.

Joaquin Phoenix issued an apology to David Letterman for the hoax involving his documentary film.  Still no apology from Phoenix or Nick Cage for “8 Millimeter.”

A new therapy for Alzheimers patients that reduces levels of a toxic protein which accumulates in the brain may be on the horizon, due to information obtained in a recent study.  Scientists believe this will work better than the current therapy, which is “Hey, you’d better write that down or you’ll forget.”

The NFL is developing a “Workplace Conduct” code for all of its teams, in response to the recent incident involving a female reporter.  Leaks indicate that rule #1 of the code is “Hey, stop waving your winkie at the female reporters, dumbasses.”

Google Maps reportedly “lost” the city of Sunrise, Florida for a month over the summer, with the city not appearing on any maps for a period of time.  A Google spokesman blamed the loss on a timing issue, saying “We update our GPS maps every day at 4 PM, and that’s when Sunrise heads out for the Early Bird Dinner.  We just missed them for awhile.”

A former assistant to a top Walt Disney Co. executive pleaded guilty to charges stemming from a scheme to sell insider information on the company, officials said Tuesday.  The man and his six associates reportedly were tired of being forced to work in an underground diamond mine, whistle and sing stupid company work songs, and share cramped, filthy accommodations.  OR The man, known in court documents only as “Mr. D. Duck,” said those at the top never gave him the billing he believed he deserved, then lost his temper and screamed (Donald Duck voice)  “AAAH, RHABBLESCRABLLEFICKAGUBBABOOOO!!!!!!”

KFC has begun paying college women to place ads on their buns.  Surprisingly, many college men are against this effort, since they don’t want to be bothered with any reading when checking out a girls ass.

NBC Universal Chief Executive Jeff Zucker said his company is not likely to follow rivals and make its TV shows available for Apple Inc's new 99-cent rental service.  Zucker explained that his conscience would not allow him to overcharge people that much for NBC’s horrific programming.

Eighty pilot whales are stranded on a beach in New Zealand.  Originally it was thought that there were ninety of the whales, but ten were revealed to be Buddha-looking tourist men in speedos.

The worlds oldest man celebrated his 114th birthday in Montana this week.  There was a small, private celebration, with only a few relatives and of course his high school classmate Larry King.

Lawmakers in the Catalonia region of Spain have OK’d a controversial tradition known as “Flaming Bull Festivals.”  In the U.S. a flaming bull festival is simply called “The Keith Olberman Show.”

According to media reports, at least 280 crocodiles have escaped from a Mexican refuge near the Gulf of Mexico after heavy flooding caused by Hurricane Karl.  Several dozen have already been recaptured, and authorities are combing the Home Depot parking lots in southern Texas for the rest.

The Philadelphia Eagles have named Michael Vick their starting quarterback for this Sunday’s game.  Unconfirmed reports say Vick lobbied head coach Andy Reid for the job like a wild dog.

A new study suggests that mammograms don't help women over fifty as much as has been believed.  They also don’t much help the doctors, who are forced to spend far too much time handling fifty-year-old boobs.  OR The study, funded by a private grant from “The All Guys Doctor Group,” did say that women 18-25 should get more mammograms.  A lot more.

Blockbuster is expected to file for Chapter Eleven Bankruptcy protection tomorrow.  If it is not filed by noon, federal regulators will charge Blockbuster $1 for every day the filing is late.  

Ireland plans to allow police to send "test" youths to pubs beginning next month to check if landlords abide by laws prohibiting the sale of alcohol to those under eighteen.  Irish officials report they had “no problems whatsoever” finding volunteers for the program.  OR A similar proposal to send test youths into massage parlors to check whether underage boys could get “happy endings” had to be shut down, after officials received over two million volunteers for the ten appropriated spots.

Tiger Woods will be joining the U.S. Ryder Cup team on a charter flight to Wales, but his caddie and two others were bumped from the plane due to lack of space.  Unconfirmed reports say the final three spots were taken by two waitresses from IHOP and a stripper named Cupcake.

University of Maryland head basketball coach Gary Williams said that the NCAA should pay student athletes.  Williams also said “Hey, could you also make it OK if we...uhh..paid them in the past?  That would be cool...you know....I’m just sayin’.”

*THREE BAD...SELF-WRITTEN WEDDING VOWS*

Until death do us part, or until your balls dangle below your knees.  Whichever comes first. 

My love for you knows no bounds, unless that hot chick from the mail room suddenly becomes available

I promise to punch you less on alternating Thursdays