Saturday, July 16, 2011

Genco Olive Oil Co.

The NFL lockout is better than the Government debt stalemate.  Whiners though they are, at least the NFL is trying to decide how to divvy up and spend money that they will - at some point - actually do something to earn.
Off of my soapbox now.  Well, it’s not really a soapbox.  It’s more of a fresh produce crate, something that might have “Genco Olive Oil Co.” printed on the side.  Speaking of Genco Olive Oil Co, am I alone in thinking that every government around the world resembles that fabled company more and more?  Furthermore, does it seem to anyone else like Fredo and Fredo’s heretofore unknown illegitimate offspring are being put in charge?  I’m musing here, folks.  Musing and humming.  I like to hum when I muse, humming seems to have excellent musing viscosity.  So does ear hair fiddling, but I’m wandering off point.  My point is, it may be time to send the worldwide collection of Fredos on a fishing trip in Nevada.  Or we could simply ignore them, because A) The various Genco formulations throughout history have always done these type of things, B) People in power will continue to do these types of things for all eternity, it’s simply a fact of human nature, and C) Most of us are ready for some football.  Although I must admit, as long as the lockout extends, the Cleveland Browns are tied for first place; so I’m torn on when I want it to end.  Let’s settle this ... where’s Luka?
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... this is my brother, joke Hagan ...
Attorneys for Casey Anthony released a statement saying she will appeal her convictions on four charges of lying to detectives.  Psst .... Casey! ... Quit while you’re ahead!  
American Airlines is giving away a free seven night trip to Columbia.  As a special treat, the winner will be able to upgrade to First Class by swallowing twelve “special balloons.”
Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony are splitting after seven years of marriage.  In gin-soaked hopes of catching J-Lo’s eye next, B-List actors and fat guys in middle management will begin doing situps tonight.  You know, because they’re only a couple hundred situps away from landing J-Lo.
A man has built his own million dollar Bugatti supercar, using his own hands, alone in his house.  Now that he has it, he won’t have to use his own hands, alone in his house, for anything else.  If you get my drift.
Some are claiming that an error in North Dakota’s founding document means that technically, it is not a state.  In a similar story, some are claiming that a series of errors over the past 103 years means that the Chicago Cubs are not really a professional baseball franchise.
A new study says that being the top ranking, alpha male baboon is a high stress job.  Possibly, but they also seem to get the loudest screeching baboon chicks with the giant red butts.  So, you know, everything evens out.
Scientists scouring the mountains of Borneo spotted a Rainbow Toad for the first time since 1924.  It turns out the toad was in Vegas all this time, running hot at the blackjack table.  No biggee.
Five women on the North Korean Womens World Cup team have failed a steroid test.  The five averaged 6’7” and 350 pounds, and shaved twice a day. The largest of the women, named Chuck, had a life sized tattoo of Barry Bonds’ head on her back.
Rashes Through Time
Stuff From The Gutter
Slightly Burned Things
Intolerably Hot Rooms

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Tiger Woods, Taco Bell, And Ted Knight

Dedicated, devoted, and rabid imaginary fans of mine often ask “Steve, what’s your version of The American Dream?  Is it wealth, or happiness?”  Invariably, I tell them “Yes.”  Currently my version of The American Dream is to live in a gated golf country club community, where there are multiple golf courses specifically to challenge my game, and the gate is up specifically to keep out people like me.  Yes, I want to live somewhere that people like me aren’t allowed.  I want to be the lowest-class member of a high-class establishment, and routinely embarrass myself at community functions, with wacky hijinks gone awry.  Or asunder.  Either way, I just know it won’t involve pants.  That’s my dream.  (Well, that’s the part I can tell you with my wife listening in, anyway) To that end, I’ve decided to take a page out of the playbook of the US Government: I’m offering a $100,000 cash reward to the first person who gives me $5,000,000.  Think it over America, this Bushwood offer won’t last long.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... one, two, three o’clock, four o’clock joke ...
South Sudan officially broke away from Sudan and became the world's newest nation early Saturday.  Hours later, President Obama issued a statement welcoming the new country to the brotherhood of nations, and asking if we could borrow some cash.
BP says it wants future claims against oil spills to be limited with a cap on dollar amounts.  In a similar story, Tiger Woods says he wants future infidelity claims to be limited to only being hit in the face with Nerf bats.
The June jobs report has been called “dismal,” “grim,” and “flat.”  Sounds exactly like my junior prom date.
The European strand of E Coli has been confirmed as the cause of death in an Arizona case.  Man, we are outsourcing EVERYTHING.
In southern Israel, archaeologists are piecing together the history of a people remembered chiefly as the bad guys of the Hebrew Bible.  As it turns out, the bad guys were left alone at home a lot as children, and all of their killing and pillaging was simply a cry for attention.
A majority of both men and women agree that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster.  They also say that a fake profile picture gets you into bed even faster than that.  Throw in a big lie about your income and some tequila, and “it’s like a freakin’ porno.”
NASA is deciding between two potential places to send the Mars Rover on its next mission.  The first spot is near a large mountain potentially hiding an ice field on the Red Planet.  The second, surprising spot is in the bushes outside Jennifer Anistons’ bedroom.
An Arizona restaurant has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in its tacos.  They instead decided to keep pace with Taco Bell and continue offering the three basics: bat, cat & rat.
A TSA agent has been caught stealing over $50,000 worth of electronics from passengers.  Man, who could have seen that coming? Oh that’s right, everybody.
Women across the country are joining “Naked Yoga” classes, saying that it stretches and makes healthy both your body and your self-esteem.  Men across the country are also joining Naked Yoga classes, because ... well, because they’re filled with naked women.  Naked women stretching and bending and stretching and bending.  Duh.
Former president Bill Clinton came to Washington DC to give a speech on how to spur job growth.  Actually, he came to DC because there’s a Cheerleading Convention in town, but quickly whipped up the job growth speech when he saw everyone looking at him.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Hoffa, Huffing, And Hefers

I picked up over 6,600 frequent flyer miles this week.  Sadly, they’re in the Delta Sky Pesos program, so I still need 45,000,000,000 more to get a free one way flight.  Maybe I can apply for a federal miles grant?  Maybe I can fly back home via Saturn and pick those miles up for an extra $100?  Maybe there’s an open staff writing position at a late night talk show or sitcom that’s perfect for me and I’m willing to bribe someone to get?  Hello?  Don’t underestimate the level of bribe I’m talking about here...
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... Jokes are currently in the upright and locked position ...
Tiger Woods plans to skip The British Open, saying that his leg needs more time to heal, and that he thinks “British chicks aren’t all that hot.”
Lula Cora Hood, who disappeared in 1970, has been found alive and living in Florida after forty one years.  This, coupled with the death of Osama Bin Laden, means that Jimmy Hoffa will soon be crowned world Hide-And-Seek Champion.
An investigation has discovered the award-winning gains by Atlanta students were based on widespread cheating by 178 named teachers and principals.  The eighty-two who confessed have already been offered positions as Congressional Lobbyists.
A proposal to build a casino near the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg, PA has sparked a debate in the town.  Locals say they haven’t seen Gettysburg this divided since...well, since they don’t know when.
A murder mystery dating back to 1879 has been finally resolved after a skull unearthed in BBC legend David Attenborough's garden was formally recognized as that of a woman murdered by her maid 132 years ago.  Since he was the reporter who first broke the story back then, Larry King was permitted to announce todays’ news on BBC airwaves.
According to sources, Brett Favre may be considering another comeback.  Favre is apparently exploring his options by contacting front offices of Super Bowl contending teams, and texting pictures of his man-junk to female sports reporters everywhere.
CNN has cancelled Eliot Spitzer’s evening show.  The announcement drew surprise from around the news community, with many asking “When did Eliot Spitzer get a show on CNN?”
People with chronic pain who aren't getting enough relief from medications may be able to ease their pain by smoking small amounts of marijuana, a new study suggests.  Lead researchers on the study scheduled a press conference for 2PM but slept through it.  They were later spotted shirtless and giggling at Denny’s with nine empty Lumberjack Slam plates on their table.
The California Legislature passed a bill requiring public schools to teach “Gay History” in the classroom.  I have no problem with this, but isn’t that why we already have TCM’s “Month of Musicals” series?
A study shows that chess experts use their brain differently than amateur players.  The biggest difference?  Better chess moves.
The fossil of a car sized mega-wombat has been unearthed in northern Australia.  Scientists have already named the fossil “Kirstie.”
-Naked Sleigh Ride.
-Person with small end of wishbone spends remainder of Thanksgiving in Octopus tank.
-Kitties hung by the chimney with care.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Scorpions, Sheen And 70's Shows

Sometimes I sprinkle things into the blog that I’ve already said.  For you, finding them is kind of like an Easter Egg Hunt, except without eggs and there are no prizes or creepy six foot tall multi-colored rabbits making kids scream and cry.  On a completely related note, did you know I’m on LinkedIn? Yeah, if you click HERE you’ll see I’m not lying (and you can send me a LinkedIn network request).  Why would I lie about this?  What kind of sicko would lie about something like this?  Who do you normally hang around?  You’re freaks.  Sick, twisted freaks.  Which explains a lot, actually.  Now go find those eggs before they go bad and I’m forced to hard boil them and donate them to the local pantry.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
...Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke, Ring A Joke Joke...
A man passed through TSA security and took a flight from New York to Los Angeles yesterday with an expired boarding pass that wasn’t even in his name.  A TSA spokesman said that despite the massive security breach there was never any real danger to the plane though, as they did manage to take away his nosehair tweezers and a four ounce tube of toothpaste.
US scientists have used stem cell technology to create mice from two fathers, an advance that could help same-sex couples have their own genetic children one day.  Of course, this assumes that gay couples will want children that look like mice.
Supporters of Texas Governor Rick Perry say they want some space at the upcoming Iowa straw poll.  They also say for their straws, they want some of those awesome curly Mickey Mouse ones that go around your hat.
A man from Nantucket was freed recently on charges of kidnapping in Haiti.  However, he still faces possible arrest and extradition for grossly exaggerating the length of certain male body parts.
A passenger was stung by a scorpion on a recent Alaska Airlines flight.  The man said it was actually not as painful as the TSA search at check-in security.  OR Airline representatives apologized, but said it wouldn’t have happened if he’d just paid the $25 “No Scorpions” fee.
China opened the worlds longest overwater bridge. Something something something ... it’s Chinese so they’ll want to cross it again in an hour ... something something something Charlie Sheen. (Note to self: finish joke before adding to blog)
Former “Three’s Company” star Joyce DeWitt made her New York stage debut this week.  Critics have been giving solid reviews to the show, “Don’t Let Mr Furley See This Kitten.”

An American scuba diver was left behind on The Great Barrier Reef by an Australian tour company.  A tour spokesman said that apparently the boat captain had had just about enough of the divers’ stupid “Bloomin’ Onion” comments.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is considering stepping down later this year.  Between the sputtering economy and that damn Turbo Tax, it’s getting to be too big a job for one man.


-Smoky, with a hint of horse fart.

-Made me wistful for the week I had malaria.