Saturday, July 9, 2011

Tiger Woods, Taco Bell, And Ted Knight

Dedicated, devoted, and rabid imaginary fans of mine often ask “Steve, what’s your version of The American Dream?  Is it wealth, or happiness?”  Invariably, I tell them “Yes.”  Currently my version of The American Dream is to live in a gated golf country club community, where there are multiple golf courses specifically to challenge my game, and the gate is up specifically to keep out people like me.  Yes, I want to live somewhere that people like me aren’t allowed.  I want to be the lowest-class member of a high-class establishment, and routinely embarrass myself at community functions, with wacky hijinks gone awry.  Or asunder.  Either way, I just know it won’t involve pants.  That’s my dream.  (Well, that’s the part I can tell you with my wife listening in, anyway) To that end, I’ve decided to take a page out of the playbook of the US Government: I’m offering a $100,000 cash reward to the first person who gives me $5,000,000.  Think it over America, this Bushwood offer won’t last long.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... one, two, three o’clock, four o’clock joke ...
South Sudan officially broke away from Sudan and became the world's newest nation early Saturday.  Hours later, President Obama issued a statement welcoming the new country to the brotherhood of nations, and asking if we could borrow some cash.
BP says it wants future claims against oil spills to be limited with a cap on dollar amounts.  In a similar story, Tiger Woods says he wants future infidelity claims to be limited to only being hit in the face with Nerf bats.
The June jobs report has been called “dismal,” “grim,” and “flat.”  Sounds exactly like my junior prom date.
The European strand of E Coli has been confirmed as the cause of death in an Arizona case.  Man, we are outsourcing EVERYTHING.
In southern Israel, archaeologists are piecing together the history of a people remembered chiefly as the bad guys of the Hebrew Bible.  As it turns out, the bad guys were left alone at home a lot as children, and all of their killing and pillaging was simply a cry for attention.
A majority of both men and women agree that texting, Facebook and other social networking tools cause new couples to jump into bed faster.  They also say that a fake profile picture gets you into bed even faster than that.  Throw in a big lie about your income and some tequila, and “it’s like a freakin’ porno.”
NASA is deciding between two potential places to send the Mars Rover on its next mission.  The first spot is near a large mountain potentially hiding an ice field on the Red Planet.  The second, surprising spot is in the bushes outside Jennifer Anistons’ bedroom.
An Arizona restaurant has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in its tacos.  They instead decided to keep pace with Taco Bell and continue offering the three basics: bat, cat & rat.
A TSA agent has been caught stealing over $50,000 worth of electronics from passengers.  Man, who could have seen that coming? Oh that’s right, everybody.
Women across the country are joining “Naked Yoga” classes, saying that it stretches and makes healthy both your body and your self-esteem.  Men across the country are also joining Naked Yoga classes, because ... well, because they’re filled with naked women.  Naked women stretching and bending and stretching and bending.  Duh.
Former president Bill Clinton came to Washington DC to give a speech on how to spur job growth.  Actually, he came to DC because there’s a Cheerleading Convention in town, but quickly whipped up the job growth speech when he saw everyone looking at him.

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