Thursday, July 7, 2011

Hoffa, Huffing, And Hefers

I picked up over 6,600 frequent flyer miles this week.  Sadly, they’re in the Delta Sky Pesos program, so I still need 45,000,000,000 more to get a free one way flight.  Maybe I can apply for a federal miles grant?  Maybe I can fly back home via Saturn and pick those miles up for an extra $100?  Maybe there’s an open staff writing position at a late night talk show or sitcom that’s perfect for me and I’m willing to bribe someone to get?  Hello?  Don’t underestimate the level of bribe I’m talking about here...
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, acting reel, comedy promo videos, schedule and more on my website at
... Jokes are currently in the upright and locked position ...
Tiger Woods plans to skip The British Open, saying that his leg needs more time to heal, and that he thinks “British chicks aren’t all that hot.”
Lula Cora Hood, who disappeared in 1970, has been found alive and living in Florida after forty one years.  This, coupled with the death of Osama Bin Laden, means that Jimmy Hoffa will soon be crowned world Hide-And-Seek Champion.
An investigation has discovered the award-winning gains by Atlanta students were based on widespread cheating by 178 named teachers and principals.  The eighty-two who confessed have already been offered positions as Congressional Lobbyists.
A proposal to build a casino near the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg, PA has sparked a debate in the town.  Locals say they haven’t seen Gettysburg this divided since...well, since they don’t know when.
A murder mystery dating back to 1879 has been finally resolved after a skull unearthed in BBC legend David Attenborough's garden was formally recognized as that of a woman murdered by her maid 132 years ago.  Since he was the reporter who first broke the story back then, Larry King was permitted to announce todays’ news on BBC airwaves.
According to sources, Brett Favre may be considering another comeback.  Favre is apparently exploring his options by contacting front offices of Super Bowl contending teams, and texting pictures of his man-junk to female sports reporters everywhere.
CNN has cancelled Eliot Spitzer’s evening show.  The announcement drew surprise from around the news community, with many asking “When did Eliot Spitzer get a show on CNN?”
People with chronic pain who aren't getting enough relief from medications may be able to ease their pain by smoking small amounts of marijuana, a new study suggests.  Lead researchers on the study scheduled a press conference for 2PM but slept through it.  They were later spotted shirtless and giggling at Denny’s with nine empty Lumberjack Slam plates on their table.
The California Legislature passed a bill requiring public schools to teach “Gay History” in the classroom.  I have no problem with this, but isn’t that why we already have TCM’s “Month of Musicals” series?
A study shows that chess experts use their brain differently than amateur players.  The biggest difference?  Better chess moves.
The fossil of a car sized mega-wombat has been unearthed in northern Australia.  Scientists have already named the fossil “Kirstie.”
-Naked Sleigh Ride.
-Person with small end of wishbone spends remainder of Thanksgiving in Octopus tank.
-Kitties hung by the chimney with care.

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