Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes For 8/31

As always, the joke archive, video clips,  my upcoming schedule, and everything else can be seen on my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.  Must view naked.  I don't make the rules.

Since fainting during a concert in New Zealand earlier this year, Lady Gaga has become a stickler for maintaining a healthy routine, claiming to eat nothing but salsa with grain chips, tofu, turkey slices, hummus and coconut water.  According to her choreographer,  Gaga has also cut down to 4 eight-balls per day, or as it’s called on the street “The Lindsay Lohan Thursday.”
A doctor in Bakersfield, CA climbed into the chimney of her boyfriend's home, got stuck and died.  Authorities say that alcohol may have contributed to the situation.  That or a raging Santa Claus fetish.
Zurich, Switzerland has erected small car-port like enclosures that prostitutes and clients can use to conduct their business out of sight of nearby residents.  They are being called “legal sex drive thru’s.”  In an unrelated story, Hugh Grants will be working the Zurich Funny Bone for six months beginning in October.
With more and more places legalizing gay marriage, a new push by the government in Mexico City, Mexico to woo gay honeymooners began this past week.  Among the enticements for same sex couples: Romantic bungalows built all tongue-in-groove, no studs, with two back doors.
American Airlines CEO Gerard Arpey said  the New York JFK-London Heathrow route seems a likely one for AA's 787 Dreamliner aircraft, once they begin taking delivery from Boeing in late 2010.  Arpey then announced that beginning tomorrow,  a “$20 per person early route announcement fee” would be implemented on all American flights.
A top tourism official in violence-racked Mexico said in a recent video that business is booming in its popular vacation destinations to the south.  Later in the video, the official stated that he was being treated fairly, getting three square meals a day, and that “they” let him go outside every so often.
The Macedonian village of Sarchievo has set a new Guiness World Record for the biggest amount of beans boiled in a pot at 3.15 tons, beating the previous record of 1.35 tons set by a group of students in South Dakota. Later that night the village set another record for most married couples performing simultaneous Dutch Ovens.  In a related story, 100% of the neighboring and downwind village of Shelbyievo suddenly needed to be out of town for a couple of days.
Archaeologists find new clues why the Maya left the Yucatan Peninsula suddenly all those years ago.  It turns out it was nothing sinister, they just had a timeshare in Vegas and didn’t realize their week was upon them until the last minute.
Actor John Cusack tweeted the following Sunday night: I AM FOR A SATANIC DEATH CULT CENTER AT FOX NEWS HQ AND OUTSIDE THE OFFICES ORDICK ARMEYAND NEWT GINGRICH-and all the GOP WELFARE FREAKS.”  Cusack went on to say that anyone who disagrees with him is probably a closed-minded, violent idiot, and that he would use Google to find them, come to their homes, and beat them with hot irons until they become more peaceful and tolerant.  Like him.
The new cast of Dancing With The Stars was announced.  Among the list of contestants are who cares, who cares 2, and seriously who gives a flying fuck?
I humped the Sheriff, then I tried to hump the Deputy.
Workin’ 9 to 5, with only an hour for lunch and a couple of 15 minute breaks and at least two hours a day spent Facebooking and texting and playing solitaire, what a way to make a living...
Romeo, Romeo!  I’m drunk enough to try anal!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Daily Monologue Jokes 8/30

Last night was The Emmy Awards.  I for one was glad to see Hollywood take time off from helping the world and focus on itself for a minute.

Lynn Tuner, who killed her husband and boyfriend by poisoning them with anti-freeze and was later dubbed the “Anti-Freeze Killer,” died in a Georgia prison over the weekend.  Medical examiners said that her internal fluids were fine, so her frame must have just given out.
A new research study shows that heavy drinkers tend to live longer than those who never touch alcohol.  The study was funded through private grants from the Anheuser-Busch family, the Guiness Foundation, and the brothers of Delta Tau Chi.  The lead researcher released his findings at 2:43AM, and followed his pronouncement by screaming “Now someone find my pants, I’m driving all of us to Florida!!!  WOOOOOO!!!!”
A proposal to build a casino near the Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg, PA has sparked a debate in the town.  Locals say they haven’t seen Gettysburg this divided since...well, since they don’t know when.
American Airlines announced today that they current modifications underway will double the available space in the overhead bins on their 737 aircraft.  They later announced that there is a new $15 “extra overhead space fee” being implemented on all of their 737 aircraft.  
In other news from American Airlines, their frequent flyer lounge The Admirals Club recently held a “Naked Juice Sampling Event” at the Miami location.  Take it from me, you want to call and get clarification on the details before you attend.  Apparently there’s a company out there called “Naked Juice.”  In an unrelated matter, I won’t be able to write any jokes September 12 due to a court date.
Police in Anderson Township, Ohio, arrested a man named Forrest V. Frankenstein Jr. over the weekend for menacing, vandalism, and disorderly conduct while intoxicated.  In his court defense, Frankenstein said “AAAAH!!!!  FIRE BAD!!!!” and ran through the courthouse wall.  Authorities were asking local villagers to gather pitchforks and torches to assist in his recapture.
Researchers have concluded that the Stimulus Package created 3 million jobs.  They’re broken down as 2.4 million Stimulus Researchers, and 600,000 Stimulus Public Relations Experts.
Medicare is attempting to cut long-term costs to the program attributed to older people who smoke, by offering counseling in an attempt to get them to quit.  Seems to me Medicare could save even more on “long term” costs by buying smokers an extra pack or two a day and letting nature take it’s course.
A 31-year-old Bellevue, Washington bride heading home from her bachelorette party was arrested for drunken driving hours before she was to get married.  In an effort to get out of the ticket, she offered to sleep with the arresting officer.  She was later released on her own recognizance, and the cop in question drank a big glass of water and took a nap.
Authorities in Bangor, Maine said today that a car struck the gate outside author Stephen King’s home, but the driver of that car has not been found.  The three top suspects are a local Mad Scientist, a Time Travelling Medieval Warlock, and a giant talking six-legged alligator from the planet Guntha.
A toilet that belonged to late Beatle John Lennon sold for $14,740 at an auction in Liverpool, England recently.  Organizers were stunned at the amount of the sale, and later announced plans to auction off Warren Zevon’s shaving kit, Barry White’s toaster, and Liberace’s bidet.
A 70-year-old yard sale shopper in Sonora, CA hit a fellow bargain-hunter over the head with a five-pound, cast iron pan to prevent him from getting to the sale first.  In the man’s defense, the yard sale had not one but two mint-in-the-box Deep Space Nine action figures, plus a red bathroom sign reading “Our aim is to keep this bathroom clean, your aim would help.”  Because those are funny.
People with chronic pain who aren't getting enough relief from medications may be able to ease their pain by smoking small amounts of marijuana, a new study suggests.  Lead researchers on the study scheduled a press conference for 2PM but slept through it.  They were later spotted shirtless and giggling at Denny’s with nine empty Lumberjack Slam plates on their table.
A chemical leak in the pool area of the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas sickened as many as 100 people over the weekend.  The other 2,800 who got sick at MGM this weekend did so due to the normal Vegas reasons.
Low Tide In Jersey 
Cream Of Cream
Southwest Style Muskrat

Past Few Weeks Of Monologue Jokes

I've been writing for a web series called "Late Night In The Afternoon" for the past few weeks.  Since I just opened this blog, I decided to post the past few weeks of stuff all at once to catch up.

*NOTE* After pasting back to 8/19 I decided...if you want to see the blog entries before that go to my website at http://www.starspangledcomedy.com/Star_Spangled_Comedy/Blog/Blog.html

Love and kisses,


Scores of bare-chested skinheads attacked a crowd of about 3,000 people at the “Tornado Rock Festival” in Central Russia on Sunday, beating them with clubs, media reports said.  Police later learned the attack was not race related, the skinheads were simply angry that Katy Perry wasn’t booked.

A lead investigator and another official looking into the massacre of 72 migrants whose bodies were found this week in northern Mexico are missing.  The new lead investigator was quoted as saying “There are no new leads in this case...uuh....yeah, we think we’ve done as much as we can, this case is closed.  No more looking.  We Promise.”

A Denver couple is charged with abusing three adopted Russian sisters, forcing them to do hundreds of push-ups, run 43 miles in three days, and do headstands for over an hour, according to court documents.  In the couples defense, that’s way less than Russian boxing champion Ivan Drago had to do before he fought Rocky.  

Sixty nine vehicles crashed in a Phoenix storm last night.  Hehe...69.

A man died on a n AirTran flight from Las Vegas to Milwaukee over the weekend.  As of now there is no word whether the man died of medical reasons or simply because he was leaving Las Vegas and going to Milwaukee.

Lifestyle Magazine recently release a list of five things college women can do to make themselves more attractive to college men.  “College Man Magazine” responded by publishing their own list, which is as follows:  #5 Be really drunk. #4 Be topless.  #3,2,1 repeat #’s 5 & 4.  Let’s be honest, it doesn’t take much to turn on a college man.

The Seventh Annual World Testicle Cooking Championship was held this weekend in Ozrem, Serbia.  I’ll say that again: The Seventh Annual World Testicle Cooking Championship was held this weekend in Ozrem, Serbia.  Recipes on how to mash and sauté testicles beyond recognition were submitted from top chefs around the world, as well as several Hollywood Agents and all four hosts of The View.  Locals believe the testicles help men’s libido’s, because they are high in testosterone.  (I am not making this up)  Let me just say this, completely without judgement:  If eating balls makes your libido active, perhaps it’s time you had a “conversation” with your family...and your wife.

Scotland Yard detectives have confiscated the mobile phones of three of the Pakistan cricket team’s leading players as part of an investigation into one of the biggest betting scandals in the sport's history that is threatening to engulf the game.  All hard-core cricket fans are outraged, with both of them threatening to boycott the next match...whenever that may be...is it a match or a game?  In interviews, the three players expressed astonishment that anyone noticed the scam.  “Frankly we never thought we’d get caught,” said one player, “We didn’t think anyone watched, let alone understood the rules well enough to see what we were doing.”  OR The three were calm at their arrest, with one saying “Keep us here awhile, OK?  Apparently there’s some sort of flood back home.  You got rice?”

Lindsay Lohan has demanded an apology from the court for the way her case was handled.  The judge responded by saying “Yeah, OK; when we get an apology for Mean Girls and Freaky Friday, then I’ll think about it.”

A Sheboygan Wisconsin woman faces her third operating while intoxicated charge after police said she passed out in a McDonald's drive-through on July 30.  According to the criminal complaint, employees at the restaurant called police at about 3:40 a.m. when they realized the woman was asleep.  “We called right away,” said the night manager, “I mean right away.  Nothing happened before we called.  Her breasts were out of her shirt already and everything, and there were no pictures taken in various poses with all of us.  No really, I swear.”

Continental Airlines is testing a new “self-boarding” procedure, wherein no gate agent scans or even sees a passenger’s boarding pass.  The experiment is occurring at Houston’s Intercontinental Airport, or as it’s now known “Terrorist Main Entry Airport.”

The U.S. birth rate has dropped for the second year in a row, and experts think the wrenching recession led many people to put off having children.  Researchers say that stress and uncertainty due to the recession are major factors in the declining birth rate, as well as unemployed guys not being able to afford enough booze to get chicks into bed.

British scientists have decoded the genetic sequence of wheat, a development they hope could help the global staple meet the challenges of climate change, disease and population growth.  Those same British scientists, however, still cannot crack the code of how to talk to women or get a tan.

Differences in “news” outlets covering the same event:

-Fox News: 500,000 God Fearing Apple Pie Eating Red Blooded Americans attended the Glenn Beck Restoring Honor rally in Washington DC, while professional activist and shakedown artist Al Sharpton ran a counter-rally of a few thousand anti-American dissidents who were probably high.

-CNN: Several thousand angry, stupid white people attended a Glenn Beck rally in DC, while the brilliant and brave civil rights leader The Reverend Al Sharpton led twice as many hearty souls in a counter-rally of enlightened citizens seeking the truth.

-MSNBC: Enemy of humanity Glenn Beck murdered and ate five small babies on stage while a crowd of rabid, drug addled racists looked on and chanted anti-Muslim slogans while dancing in a pool of immigrant blood.  Al Sharpton was there too, doing somethingorother, but we don’t care because no one is as cool or smart as us.  Not even you.  Screw you, public.

Bad news: There is now a ground beef recall to go along with the egg recall.  Good news:  Pretty soon everything will be recalled and there will be nothing left to eat except Sweet Tarts.


Person with small end of wishbone spends remainder of Thanksgiving in Octopus tank.

Five minutes under Mistletoe with no kiss?  Free Mazda!

”Cousins Schmousins” bath time.

Officials in flood ravaged Pakistan have urged 500,000 people to evacuate the area.  Since they recently issued a statement that 800,000 would be affected by the floods, I guess we can assume they simply don’t like those other 300,000 people.  What, do they owe them money or something?

Investigators at the Bangkok airport in Thailand found a sedated, two-month-old tiger cub hidden in a man’s carry-on luggage yesterday.  Under questioning, the man claimed it was simple mistake; he had weighed the cub at home and thought it was less than 3.4 ounces.

The town of Fyffe, Alabama annually celebrates UFO Day and all 1,000 residents of the town show up.  Recently the traffic problems were getting out of hand, so the town fathers renamed the day “Unforgettable Family Outing” day, for families and relatives only.  Once again, all 1,000 residents of Fyffe showed up.

On usatoday.com there is a daily listing of “Popular Topics In The News.”  Today, Elin Nordegren was listed right next to Jenna Jameson.  No judgement, just pointing it out.

Meteorologists have reported that hurricane Danielle went from a Category 1 to a Category 4 hurricane in just one day.  Danielle explained that the rapid rise in destructive power was hormonal and not her fault.  She then cried, explained that she didn’t mean to be so angry, and said she just wanted the weathermen to help her out around the house once in awhile.  OR Meteorologists say that since it is a female-named storm, the rapid strengthening is due to the “He left his frickin’ socks on the bathroom floor again” syndrome, and the fact that it’s just “that week of the month.”

A state worker in Norfolk, Virginia was recently found to have been paid for the past twelve years despite never having shown up for work.  Not once.  A spokesman for a taxpayer advocacy group was quoted as angrily saying “This is an outrage, we normally pay our state workers to sit at their desks and play on Twitter and Facebook, take smoke breaks and long lunches, and ignore all customers.  But at least they’re at their desks!”

Almost half a million new cases of sexually transmitted infections were diagnosed in the UK last year, with young people the most affected.  The lead researcher on the study said “Young people catching more STI’s shouldn’t come as a surprise.  I mean, who wants to bang old people?”

The U.N. is reporting that as many as 1 million more people have been displaced in Pakistan.  This is not due to the flooding though, it’s just that Donald Trump bought a bunch of land for a new casino resort and kicked them out.

Churchgoers in Warsaw, Ohio have been protesting a strip club that operates nearby for months, and this past weekend bikini clad strippers counter-protested.  One of the strippers, 42 year old “Lola,” held a sign that read “Jesus loves the children of the world.”  One of the churchgoers said in an interview that the strip club had to go, “Not because it’s a sin or anything, but because they have 42 year old strippers in there.”

Washington Nationals pitching phenom Stephen Strasburg has a torn ligament in his right elbow, and will likely have Tommy John surgery that will keep him out for at least a year and possibly end his career.  In all likelihood, this is the least sad and destructive news that will come out of DC between now and election day.

 A Massachusetts man has been arrested after police found a kilogram of cocaine hidden inside a hollowed out chunk of bologna at his home.  Police became suspicious during a sting operation when they asked the man “Is that a hollowed out chunk of bologna with cocaine hidden inside it in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?”  To which the man mistakenly responded “No, it actually is a hollowed out chunk of bologna with cocaine hidden inside it...oh crap...”

A police bomb squad had to be called to a Philadelphia construction site after someone found what was described as “an old, inert torpedo.”  The bomb scare was later called off when the object in question was found to simply be Hugh Hefner taking a nap.


The Crazy Sphincter

Guy Who Won’t Shut Up

The Maddeningly Androgynous Attorney

Mexican authorities have begun enforcing tougher rules designed to ensure that people have a doctors prescription to buy antibiotics.  Hey, nice effort Mexico, but that’s not the kind of drug sales you need to be stopping.

Cnnmoney.com recently ran a headline that said “Say Goodbye To The McMansion.”  Yeah, that’s what they said about the McRib.  I’m not falling for that again.

The DEA announced today they are in need of Ebonics translators.  Apparently they’ve been axing around.

Two wheelchair bound high school girls made the cheerleading squad at a Tennessee school this year, in a heartwarming story.  No one is more thrilled about this than the boys in the audio-visual club, as there’s finally a couple of cheerleaders they have a shot at.

More rain has hit flood-ravaged Pakistan.  When asked if he had a planned response to the disaster, President Obama replied “This is George Bush’s mess, why doesn’t he go clean it up?”

In an online poll at cnn.com, only 14% of responders believed that Iran’s nuclear power plant would only be used to make fuel.  In a related poll, the exact same 14% believed you can get 25 DVD’s form Columbia House for only 1 cent with nothing more to buy, ever.

More bad news for the economy, as orders for durable good dropped 3.8% in July.  The drop excluded aircraft - so all of you out there ordering aircraft, please keep doing it!  I’m ordering four in September myself!

In a recent interview, General David Petraeus said that the Taliban need to “buy into Afghanistan’s future” in order for the country to become stable.  This is unlikely to happen, as the Taliban can’t afford to buy anything; they’re currently underwater and attempting to negotiate mortgage modifications on all of their properties.

A jury's decision ordering a production company to pay $23.2 million to Don Johnson for the actor's work on the television series "Nash Bridges" was upheld today.  The most shocking fact in this story is that Don Johnson is apparently still alive.

The last primaries are over and election season is in full swing, which can mean only one thing.  All of your politically inclined friends will spend the next two months proclaiming their incredible tolerance and open-mindedness by calling anyone who disagrees with them on even the smallest point the Devil.

Do you realize we only have five more years to invent flying cars, or Robert Zemeckis will officially be a liar?

The FAA has fined American Airlines $24 million for allegedly operating numerous flights with faulty wiring in 2008.  Requested upgrades on American will now incur a $24 million fee.

Brad Pitt recently said that he found the city of New Orleans “sexy and sultry.” Jennifer Aniston was quoted as saying she thought New Orleans was a home wrecking bitch.  OR He then said he wanted to death penalty for anyone who thought Baton Rouge was sexier.  OR He was later spotted having dinner with Houston, but claims they are just friends.  

A group representing porn actors is prepared to file a lawsuit against Larry Flynt and his company.  The group takes issue with film shoots that depict sexual acts without condom usage, which the group said is unsafe and potentially life-threatening.  The group’s spokesman had no comment on the general safety of choosing to become a drug addicted porn actor.


Sudden Braking

Marathon Jazz Hands


Lindsay Lohan may be released from rehab within the next 24 hours.  So I guess we can all relax now, Lindsay’s legal troubles are finally overwith.  Whew!

A nationwide recall has been put out for deli meat sold at Wal-Mart.  Call me cynical if you want, but if you’re buying your deli meat at Wal-Mart, what are the odds that’s the most tainted thing you’re putting in your body?

Two dozen women held a “nurse-in” at a Glendale, AZ McDonalds, wherein they all breast-fed their children in the restaurant.  Management of the restaurant were supportive of the demonstration, and reported that sales were up 400% that day, mostly to members of all the local high school chess clubs.

August is National Breast Feeding Awareness Month.  Any childless women out there who want to experience this emotional bonding, I’d like to volunteer to be your surrogate child.  I’m just sayin’.

A man was arrested for breaking into Paris Hilton’s home last night.  For the record, this is the first man to whom Paris has ever denied entry.

A man who went to his doctor to have what he thought was a cyst removed from the back of his head was shocked to find that it was actually a .22 caliber bullet.  Yes, the man hadn’t noticed that he had been shot in the head five years before.  Five years.  Shot in the head.  Didn’t notice.  Doctors said the man should recover completely, and it shouldn’t affect his performance as Vice President of The United States.

An article in the Christian Science Monitor says that those who oppose the Ground Zero Mosque & Community Center are showing a double standard by not also opposing the strip clubs and sex shops that pepper that neighborhood.  OK...support the Mosque or don’t on your own terms, but that analogy doesn’t hold up - as far as I know it wasn’t radical strippers that destroyed the Towers.  In my experience strippers make towers go UP, not come down. (Not even in the VIP Room)

A new federally funded study has been trying to answer the question “Do certain cities attract hurricanes?”  Uh...yeah....the ones that are near the ocean.  Seriously, does anyone wonder why this country is so far in debt?

Former Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden said in a recent interview that he was “forced out” by the school’s administration.  The 82 year old Bowden said he had the proof, then fell asleep and emitted a strange sound and odor.  Upon waking, Bowden yelled “Who are you people?”  Then grabbed his shotgun and demanded the reporters “Get off my land, Injun lovers!”

Thirty-three miners stuck 2,300 feet below ground in Chile are relying on a 4 inch tube to sustain them for months.  Married girls, make your own “I’ve been doing that for ten years” jokes now.

A previously unknown microbe has been found eating the oil in the Gulf.  Scientists are considering naming the new microbe “Kirstie.”

Environmental risks and funding shortfalls have put the survival of The Grand Canyon National Park at risk.  If the Grand Canyon is closed, visitors from around the world will have to go to the Sunset Strip in LA to see a series of beautiful but useless gaping holes.

A brushfire has burned 750 acres and is threatening several homes near the Grapevine in Central California.  Luckily, I don’t know anyone who lives up that way, so I don’t care.

The Coast Guard has apprehended a boat and confiscated 600 pounds of Cocaine.  A spokesman for the Coast Guard says it’s the biggest confiscation of narcotics since Charlie Sheen had a boat.

Good news: A 56-year-old chimpanzee has surprised officials at a zoo in northeast Kansas by giving birth.  Bad news: The chimp then surprised everyone again by naming Tiger Woods as the father.


Chubby Tubby Clubber

The Care Bear Killer

Captain LittleWanker

AIG is repaying $3.95 billion of taxpayer loans it received.  The repayment is coming in the form of $250,000 in cash, $1.2 billion in leveraged Las Vegas mortgages, and the remainder in a new financial product called a “Poker Backed Reverse Inverse Annuity Thingee.”

North Korea has joined the social networking world, with an official Facebook page.  Reportedly, the name on the page is “North Korea!  You Friend!  You Friend NOW!”

Embattled former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has said that if he is retried, his legal team will call Rahm Emanual and Senate Majority leader Harry Reid to the witness stand in his defense.  When Senator Reid’s office was contacted for comment, the person who answered the phone spoke in a terribly bad fake accent and said “Eeeeh...mister Harry eh no here...he go away...he no here...Blago who?  You wrong number...crank caller, crank caller!”

Following the news that Tiger Woods’ divorce is now final, a sports website posed the question “Will Tigers game rebound?”  I think it definitely will.  Plus, he might also play better golf.

Royal Caribbean announced plans this week to build an even bigger ship than their Oasis Of The Seas, currently the largest cruise ship afloat.  Representatives for Royal Caribbean said it’s not so much that they want bigger ships, but that they need more space to accommodate fatter and fatter passengers.

The National Sleep Council released a study that found 25% of couples sleep in separate beds.  Gee, I wonder how many people could have been fed and how many jobs could have been saved with the money we spent on this WONDERFUL study.  OR Of those, another 45% slept in those beds with separate partners.  Of those, 10% filmed it because that kind of swapping turns them on.

The NFL regular season is just around the corner, and we all know what that means.  Yes, raving drunks in bars will now have a specific reason to fistfight in testosterone-induced dick waving contests, instead of having to create reasons to punch total strangers.

Gotopless.org organized a protest for gender equality over the weekend, demanding the right for women to be able to go topless in public.  OK....where exactly is the opposition to this movement coming from?  

With more flooding and other natural disasters continuing to hit China, some are wondering what the country has done to deserve all of these tragedies.  I’m not one to place blame, but perhaps Karma is finally hitting the Chinese back for all of those jokes they played, putting pee-pee in people’s Cokes.

Good news: In 72 days the election will be over, so we won’t have to see any more tv ads attacking their opponents and distracting from the fact that they’re completely unqualified pathetic crooks.  Bad news: In 72 days, some of those completely unqualified pathetic crooks will have been elected to public office and will be helping to run the country.


Spackle and Cream

Mint Chocolate Clam

Cookies and Pork

Geologists have stated that California is overdue for what they call “The Big One,” a giant earthquake on the San Andreas Fault.  The statement was based on the fact that Geologists have been feeling lonely lately, and the only time anyone ever listens to them is when they talk about “The Big One” in California.

Iran has begun to fuel its nuclear reactors, claiming it has a peaceful intent.  Iranian leader released an official statement that read “We are only using these nuclear reactors for peace, and if anyone says differently we will unleash our newly made nuclear bombs on them.”

Sweden has dropped criminal rape charges that had been levied against the founder of Wikileaks, due to “new information.”  Oddly, that new information was found on Wikileaks.

The Lockerbie bomber is still alive one year after his controversial release, when he was supposed to die from terminal cancer in less than three months.  Man, where is this world headed when you can’t trust the word of a maniacal terrorist and his network of friends?  I mean, who could have seen this coming?  Oh that’s right...everyone with half a brain saw it coming...

A woman in Washington state gave her fiancee the ultimate gift recently when she donated a kidney to help save his life.  Her fiancee was extremely grateful, and said “If she wanted to give me the perfect wedding gift, this was it.  Well, this or the threesome I wanted with her old roommate.”

The ACLU is questioning a new “palms front slide down” method of patting down passengers at several US airports including Las Vegas, saying it is an invasion of privacy.  OK...these are people who are LEAVING Las Vegas, so I’m pretty sure they’ve spent the past week paying hundreds of dollars to have their privacy invaded by the “palms front slide down” treatment.

A recent published paper made a list of “The 15 Most Evil Nazis.”  MOST evil?  Nazis?  I’m pretty sure once you’re a Nazi you’ve reached maximum evil-ness, I don’t think it’s like levels of Karate blackbelt or Boy Scout patches or anything.  “Most Evil Nazi...” isn’t that a rather pointless list?  It’s kind of like saying “Stupidest Kardashian” or “Most Corrupt Member Of Congress?”  How about “Least Healthy Twinkie?”  “Most Narcissistic Actor?”  “Illegal-est crime?”  “Most beat-to-death punchline?”

Good news: Portions of the Gulf have been reopened to commercial crabbing, as the crabs found in those waters have been declared safe.  Bad news:  If you’re a crab, vacation’s over.  Better head to Martha’s Vineyard with the President.

*Things You Never Hear People Say*

Chunks of door to door salesmen are a far better salad topping than chunks of Jehovah’s Witnesses.  Neither are as good as bacon bits, though.

You know, I wish I could find a way to make my family room smell more like Mollusks.

I really, really want this job, so I’d better clip a few more close-ups of my fungal infection to my resume.

Israeli and Palestinian representatives have been invited to Washington DC, to resume direct Middle East peace talks.  In similar news, President Obama reportedly spent day one of his Martha’s Vineyard vacation running headfirst into a brick wall over and over  for no apparent reason.

Nearly 1 in 5 people believe President Obama is a Muslim.  When told the President is vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, those same 1 in 5 responded “See?  Isn’t that just outside Mecca City or something?  Why doesn’t he vacation somewhere here in America?”

After nearly three weeks on the run, escaped state prison inmate John McCluskey and first-cousin fiancee, Casslyn Welch, were captured after a forest ranger spotted the couple and their stolen vehicle.  OK, so a guy engaged to marry his FIRST FREAKING COUSIN eluded authorities for almost three weeks?  Really?  These people are supposed to protect the public and they can’t outwit a guy who’s bangin‘ his cousin?  Yaaaay public schools!!!    OR That’s great, but with forest rangers busy capturing prison fugitives, bear attacks on pic-a-nic baskets rose nearly 80% that day.

New research shows the phenomenon of older women chasing younger men, or the “Cougar” phenomenon, is a myth.  Yes ladies, who would want a young hottie with a swimmers body when you can have a potbellied, dangly, gray haired, wrinkly, fart-machine?  Mmmm, tasty...  OR The study was funded by a private grant from the “Sexless Middle Aged Man Club.”

A new website called Ultrinsic.com allows students to place bets on their future grades in certain classes.  The website’s founder says that the opportunity to win the money provides incentives for students to get good grades and eventually graduate.  Apparently in today’s America, the incentives of having a job and not living in your parents basement until you’re 40 are not enough.

National Lemonade Day is approaching.  It’s right after milk-milk day, and a large celebration is being held around the corner from where fudge is made.

Homeland Security authorities made a statement today that they had a new warning about a known terrorist.  Um..ok, what new warning could there be?  I mean, the guy is already a known terrorist, what more could they possibly say?  “Attention please.  See the guy here in this picture?  Yeah, he’s a known terrorist.  Terrorists are bad.  Watch out for this guy.  That is all.”

A bear at an exotic animals compound attacked it’s owner in Ohio.  I guess some days you get the bear....

Before she dated and then married Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston reportedly dated Daily Show host Jon Stewart. OK, so can we finally put to bed this bullcrap that women don’t care about good looking, they only want a guy with a sense of humor?

Scientists have determined the age of “Eve,” considered the mother of all humans. According to her single friends, she’s 29.  Does age matter, you jerk?  Why don’t you just see what kind of personality she has?

Bad news: The egg recall is now over half a billion eggs across the country.  Good news: Still not a single recall of Funyons or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

“Things You Never Hear People Say*

That is one seriously smart porn actress.

My favorite episode of The Golden Girls was when they all went streaking.

Not only did the government program do exactly what was promised, it came in on time and under budget.

Arizona authorities are hunting for an escaped prison inmate with “a gap in his front teeth.”  In an unrelated matter, NYPD officials have been double checking David Letterman’s whereabouts for the past two weeks.

Facebook has unveiled a new location service on its website called “Places,” which will let others know where you are updating from, whether it’s at home or elsewhere.  Little known fact, this software was originally supposed to be an iPhone app.  Yes, it was created by a development group called “Home Burglars R-Us.”

Federal authorities are reportedly preparing to indict former MLB star Roger Clemens in their long running probe of steroid use.  Clemens held a brief press conference wherein he once again vehemently denied the charges that he lied or ever took steroids, then broke a chair over his head, challenged the prosecuting attorneys to a steel-cage match, and put his fist through a concrete wall.  He then hurled a 1946 Buick at reporters before rushing off to shave his back.

The Pakistan textile industry is seeking to expand its global market access.  One of the biggest hurdles it faces?  No one knows what the hell textiles really are.

Despite his current support of the so-called “Anchor babies,” which allow illegal immigrants to remain in the US, video shows Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid saying the exact opposite in official statements on the Senate floor in 1993.  When asked about his reversal of opinion on the matter, Reid replied “Well, obviously I get WAAAAAY more money now from Latino interest groups.  Duh!”

CNN.com recently held an interactive contest, wherein visitors to the website could vote for their “favorite cat adoption story.”  The contest received over 70,000 votes, including nearly 4 from men.

There was a security threat phoned in to TSA offices in San Francisco today about American Airlines flight 24.  The flight was taken to a remote runway, passengers deplaned, and the entire security process repeated.  Turns out it was just a guy who didn’t know he’d been charged an extra $19 to sit in row 6.

Good news:  Workplace deaths have fallen to their lowest level since 1992.  Bad news:  The decrease is likely due to the fact that workplace employment has fallen to it’s lowest level since 1979.

Vuvuzelas have made it into the Oxford dictionary this year, but I think the publishers are confused or at least didn’t double check their facts.  Vuvuzelas are listed as “Something frat boys will tell wild lies to get into on a Friday.”

Witnesses say a Raging Bull leaped into the crowd at a bullfight and injured nearly 40 people.  Authorities have no information on why Robert DeNiro was even in Spain, let alone what made him so mad.

A new study suggests that dreaming can make you smarter and more creative over time.  I know that’s true in my case; the things I’ve dreamed about doing to Jennifer Aniston have become WAAAAY more creative over the years.  I mean, ten years ago I never could have constructed a scenario implementing both the trained chipmunks AND the calliope.

*Things You Never Hear People Say* 

Hey, let’s go to the airport and make jokes about Acme dynamite.

When the hell is Hollywood finally going to make the sequel to Notting Hill?

Wet T-shirt contests suck.  Let’s see who quotes the Torah the fastest!

Granola mushroom Hercules dishwasher Clive Owen.

I could never pull off wearing this color before.  It’s one of the hidden pluses about jaundice.

A new study says that 1 in 5 people allow their dogs to sit on their lap while driving.  Of those, 1 in 20 have been arrested for lewd animal acts.  Of those, 1 in 3 are members of Congress.

Dr Laura announced today she was leaving her radio show after recently using the N word multiple times on air.  Some now suspect she simply wanted to quit her show, and took a trick others have used to get out of jury duty a bit too far.  Admit it, she quit WAAAAAY better than Steven Slater.  When asked for her plans, Dr Laura said she wanted to run for the West Virginia Senate seat of the late Robert Byrd.

A new law in Moscow, is banning the sale of Vodka in stores between the hours of 10PM and 10AM.  Furious Muscovites planned a protest, but it was 9:45 and they had to rush off to buy Vodka first.  

Paramount Studios announced this week that they plan to remake the epic film “Gone With The Wind” in 3D, using nothing but CGI characters.  OK, not really, but you believed it, didn’t you?

In European soccer news, fans have become incensed at the lack of defense this year, with scores skyrocketing to 1-0, 2-0, and even 2-1 on several occasions.  Also, something happened that involved Manchester United, and hundreds of raving screaming drunks pummeled each other in the stands.

66% of Americans surveyed disapprove of BP’s handling of the Gulf oil spill.  The other 34% surveyed are hoping to get free gas and Slurpees at BP.

The White House announced today that the last combat troops are leaving Iraq.  Apparently the 50,000 troops still in Iraq will be handing out Daisies and painting Unicorns.  OR  The 50,000 troops remaining in Iraq are there strictly on a training mission.  Training.  Uh huh...ok...memo to my wife: I’m not having sex with this college coed, I’m simply training her on how to make a penis disappear.  Yeah...traaaining..  OR President Obama said the combat troops were no longer needed because Iraqi insurgents had made a pinky swear to not do the shooty bang bang thingee anymore.

The 9th Circuit Court Of Appeals ruled that it is legal for anyone to lie about receiving military medals.  In other news, the light leaving the world of sanity will not reach the 9th Circuit Court Of Appeals for over 50 million years.  Hey 9th Circuit, from me to you:  Go Fu$% Yourself.

Bad news: 1 million workers are prepared to strike in South Africa.  Good news: At least twice that many replacements are available in front of the Johannesburg Home Depot.

*Things You Never Hear People Say*

Honey, I think we need just oooone more bust of Hitler for the den.

Pony sausage is yummy.

So once you’ve chopped the 8 Shallots and grated the peppercorn cheese, carefully fold in the two cups of chilled monkey vomit.

This election season, I’m going to stand on a street corner with a hand painted sign and chant something reasonable and intelligent.