Thursday, December 30, 2010

Rumors, Rockets & Roger Goodell

I’m considering starting a fake internet rumor to drive traffic to my blog.  You know, something people on the ‘net will believe if it appears in a Google search, like “Chocolate Covered Raisins Shown To Reduce Belly Fat,” or “Jennifer Aniston and Rachael Ray Compare Breasts At Stephen Thomas Comedy Show.”  (It could happen, you shut up)  So I’m taking suggestions on what my rumor should be; should I go with a health tip?  Celebrity trash?  A story that somehow ties together Chinese Rare Earth Prices and Brett Favre’s penis?  I’m not sure at this point, so please weigh in with your thoughts.  A few that I’ve created so far:
“Rise in home foreclosures blamed on lima beans.”
“Supercharge your finances by buying more video games and eating Oreos!”
“Scientists find link between joke blog writing and extremely enlarged penis size.”
“Christine O’Donnell, Sarah Palin & Natalie Portman in topless bikini bash!”
“Casting Stephen Thomas to voice your cartoon greatly reduces chance of getting herpes.”
Just musing.  Thanks in advance for your assistance.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, promo video and schedule at
... joking seems to be the hardest word ...
A man from Nantucket has been freed on charges of kidnapping in Haiti.  However, he still faces possible arrest and extradition for grossly exaggerating the length of certain male body parts.
Staffers for Christine O’Donnell have labeled the FBI investigation into her campaign funds “A witch hunt.”  They don’t come any easier than that, folks.
Hundreds of Manatees are swimming to warmer waters to escape the unusually low temperatures in the Gulf Of Mexico.  One was spotted as far away as Kirstie Alley’s swimming pool.
A rocket carrying an Indian communication satellite exploded just after liftoff Saturday.  Reporters calling India for comment were put on hold, told their call was very important, and asked to stay on the line for the next available customer service representative.
Researchers say 250 billion pieces of plastic are floating in the Mediterranean.  I didn’t know the Cannes Film Festival invited 125 billion Hollywood actresses.
NASA representatives say the Mars Rover will be celebrating New Years Eve at “The Big Crater.”  How the Mars Rover got an invitation to Pamela Anderson’s vagina is anyone’s guess.
Thousands of people in Northern Ireland remained without water for a ninth day after pipes burst in the cold last week.  Of course, being in Ireland half of the population is asking “Why the hell are you drinking water anyway, laddie?!”
The state of Minnesota sued 3M today, saying the company contaminated the state's water supply with brain-altering chemicals for decades.  Analysts say this may explain the elections of Jessie The Body Ventura AND Al Franken.
Tucker Carlson said he thinks Michael Vick “should have been executed” for his dog-fighting crimes.  So except for the bow tie, this is the stupidest thing Carlson has ever done.
New research shows that fish oil capsules won't help boost weight loss if you're already dieting and exercising.  What will help is having more sex with your husband.  Married guys, I’ll sell you this research for $1,000.  OR No really, I swear.  I’ll show you the research, just come on over...
Unconfirmed reports say that had Roger Goodell found more evidence against Brett Favre, he’d have given a much tougher punishment; he’d have forced him to play for the Bengals in 2011.  That’s harsh Rog ... harsh.
Three Ivy League professors upset with the extension of tax cuts have created a website that encourages Americans to give their tax savings to charities.  Americans have created a website in response,  
Chrysler is recalling 150,000 SUV’s.  Ford is recalling nearly 20,000 trucks.  It’s good to see American car makers getting back to business as usual.
British and U.S. scientists have compiled the most comprehensive list of land plant species ever published, boasting that it is over 300,000-species strong.  Skeptical German scientists have pointed out that nearly 40,000 of those are named “John ‘The Plant’ Smith.”
Gas prices in Los Angeles rose for the ninth consecutive day.  However, some brainless celebrity was arrested or announced they were gay or released a sex tape, so no one in Hollywood really noticed.
Defense lawyers say they will argue that Michael Jackson committed suicide.  They also plan to argue that Jenn Sterger sent herself pictures of Brett Favre’s penis.
A new study says the type of formula fed to infants influences how quickly they gain weight.  So if you don’t want a fat baby, stay away from “Chocolate Covered Twinkie Brand Baby Formula.”

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Cups Of Kindness

Two days of travel have left me in a ragged state.  Ragged and rugged.  Just the way the chicks dig it.  So chicks, start diggin’ me.
Another short writing day today.  Whet your whistles, campers.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, promo video and schedule at
... we’ll joke a cup of kindness yet, for Auld lang Syne ...
A man in South Carolina was hit by an SUV while playing a real-life version of the video game "Frogger."  Police say it’s lucky he wasn’t playing Mortal Kombat, or when they arrived they’d have FINISHED HIM.  OR  Police say the man was despondent after his wife told him she was tired of getting in bed with him and playing “Centipede.”
California Governor-elect Jerry Brown says he is “playing hardball” on the state budget.  He later ate a special brownie and said he was also playing Wheel Of Fortune on state Medicare, and Card Sharks on union benefits.
Analysts say the blizzard in the Northeast this weekend postponed about $1 billion in holiday retail sales by keeping shoppers out of stores in the days after Christmas.  It also postponed over 10 billion pointless, pseudo-intellectual conversations by keeping self-aggrandizing douche bags in porkpie hats out of Starbucks.
Recent polling shows that members of the Baby Boom generation fear they will outlive Medicare.  The poll also shows that members of every other generation are more than willing to help Baby Boomers die quicker.
President Obama said he believes Michael Vick deserved his second chance.  He then said “Oh, and uh...I have some news about Beau....”
The Alaska governor's office says it needs until May 31 to release thousands of e-mails sent and received by former Gov. Sarah Palin.  Mostly they need to delete all of the requests from guys for sexy pictures ... and the follow-ups from those guys saying “No, not of Bristol!”
President Obama is blaming a weeklong delay in releasing his 2012 budget proposal on a hold placed on his nominee for budget director.  In a completely unrelated story, the President spent the past two days golfing and snorkeling in Hawaii.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Gene Autry And George Bailey

I'm back in the saddle again
Out where a friend is a friend
Where the longhorn cattle feed
On the lowly gypsum weed
Back in the saddle again
Just a quickie to get back in the swing of things. (That’s what SHE said!)
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, promo video and schedule at
Almost thirty robots have started teaching English to kids in South Korean schools.  Sadly, the robots were programmed by American public school graduates, so their English is freaking horrible.  OR So the South Korean kids will never know the difference between to, too, and two; your and you’re, or lose and loose.
A Miami attorney said she was kept from visiting her client in prison because the underwire of her bra set off the metal detector, and the guards asked her to remove it.  She became suspicious when they then said she had too much “schmergenflietensinc” in her panties and asked her to remove those as well.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he's writing an autobiography.  Here’s hoping TMZ leaks a copy beforehand and kills it’s sales.
Pat Robertson said the war on marijuana possession is costly for the nation and damaging to young people, but a spokesman said he was not calling for decriminalizing pot.  Robertson instead wants to counsel those young people.  Especially the eighteen year old girls ... that are stoned ... so come over right away ... and bring some pot.  OR  Rather, he was calling for the criminalization of young people.
A review has found that more than 2.3 million Americans reentered the country this year without a passport or any other official documents.  However most of them were white, so no one said anything.
The Governor of Hawaii wants to release more information about President Barack Obama's birth and dispel conspiracy theories that he was born elsewhere.  Reportedly LeBron James is in talks to release the info on an incredibly self-centered ESPN special.
Baby Boomers are nearing retirement age with their plans in jeopardy.  As they’ve done their entire lives, the Boomers will take to the street, write slogans on signs, and whine until someone else does their work for them.  Peace love dope!!!!
Terrelle Pryor and four other Ohio State football players apologized for selling memorabilia and other transgressions.  They rationalized that they only did it to pass the time all day, since none of them ever went to class.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Up And Running. Jogging. Up.

Computer now fixed, new joke blogs will be on the way soon.  Likely not until after Christmas, or until the public indecency charges are dropped.  Either way, I hope all is fandamntastic with you, my millions of loyal readers!  Send nudes!!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Crashed And Burning

MacBook down!!!  MacBook down!!!  My laptop has crashed and I'm forced onto public computers, which means no news research and no new joke blogs until I get it fixed.  Next opportunity to go the Apple "Genius Bar" I'll be there.  Hopefully it will be happy hour.  Until then, Nog Nog Nog Ya Head.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Noggin' It Up

I left some egg nog in the fridge before I left.  It was Southern Comfort brand, Vanilla Spice flavor, which utterly rocks if you put a little cinnamon and nutmeg in it.  Anyway, I mention it because I’ll get back form this road trip just before Christmas, as the end of egg nog season gets underway.  I plan to stock up when it goes on sale, and learn how to make it in the coming year.  For the next couple of weeks we’ll hear people asking “Why can’t we keep the Christmas spirit all year round?”  Well, I do just that - I always have a stash of Christmas music handy and listen to it whenever I want to feel happy, and I try to remember the lessons of Bedford Falls every day - and this year I’m adding a nog-ified feeling to my endeavors.  There are many times during the year when we need a little Christmas (right this very minute) and I believe sloshing some nog around in the belly can make it happen more easily.  Plus, I think nog is a cool word.  You can disagree all you like, I’ll simply put on my headphones and escape to a Winter Wonderland whenever I please.  I guess what I’m saying is if you break into my house, you can take anything you want except my family and my nog.  (The wife is negotiable)  Nog Nog Nog.
See more of me including nog-induced video and TV appearances at
... joking through the snow ...
US scientists have used stem cell technology to create mice from two fathers, an advance that could help same-sex couples have their own genetic children one day.  Of course, this assumes that gay couples will want children that look like mice.
British student protesters attacked a car carrying Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla, after lawmakers approved a controversial hike in university tuition fees.  This proves the British education system has failed, since the Royal Family has absolutely nothing to do with official governmental activities.
Statistics released this week say U.S. airlines carried 57.3 million passengers in September.  This means the TSA groped nearly 60 million boobs in that time ... which places them slightly off the pace set by Tiger Woods.
Recent statistics show that students in China beat their U.S. counterparts in math, reading, and science.  However, U.S. students lead by a wide margin in “copying off the Chinese kids paper.”  Work smarter, not harder.  OR  Students in the U.S. missed the announcement, because they were off getting laid.  OR  That’s OK though, their basketball team still sucks.
Good news: Chevron has announced they will invest $26 billion in 2011.  Bad news: $22.8 billion of that will be in “legal defense for more oil spills.”
Scientists say that a large microbe community may exist on the ocean floor.  In a related story, Dell has announce they’ve found an even cheaper place to outsource their call-center jobs.  OR  That’s fine, as long as they don’t start coming here and taking American jobs.
The WikiLeaks saga continues, as WikiLeaks supporters and companies accused of trying to stifle WikiLeaks launched attacks and counter-attacks across the web regarding WikiLeaks.  I don’t really have a joke about WikiLeaks here, I’m just hoping that if I type WikiLeaks on the page enough, my joke blog will get a bunch of publicity by being linked to WikiLeaks and being found on Google and Bing searches by people looking for WikiLeaks info or for WikiLeaks itself.  WikiLeaks.
A spokesman for the woman who allegedly received photos of Brett Favre’s penis says she won't sue the Vikings quarterback if he's punished by the NFL.  The NFL has suggested than as punishment, they may force Favre to come back in 2011 and play QB for The Cincinnati Bengals.  OR She suggested than an appropriate punishment is forcing Favre to look at pictures of Larry King’s penis.
The FAA is missing key ownership information on 119,000 private and commercial aircraft in the U.S., and the agency fears this could be exploited by terrorists and drug traffickers.  In an effort to help, the TSA promised to fondle and take blurry nude photographs of even more people flying home for the holidays.
A Burger King employee in Detroit argued with and punched a customer, who fell over and later died.  Once again proving that Burger King is not as good as McDonalds, whose customers die from simply eating their food.  
For the first time since World War II, German troops have been stationed in France.  For the ten millionth time since World War II, France has begun drawing up preliminary surrender papers.  OR The only remaining question is when will the French government be told?  
Newly released records reveal details on how U.S. intelligence officials used and protected some Nazi Gestapo agents after World War II, tracked Holocaust administrator Adolf Eichmann and relied on a suspected war criminal from Ukraine living in New York to try to disrupt the USSR, according to a report to Congress obtained by The Associated Press.  Sadly, the documents offer no insight into the success of Menudo, why Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett, or what the hell the finale of LOST was all about.
The California Highway Patrol says a big rig loaded with Christmas trees overturned and spilled on a Los Angeles highway.  The ACLU is already filing suit against the religious display being on public property.
President Obama has predicted that the tax bill will be passed by Congress.  That’s great, but let’s keep in mind this is the guy who predicted that the Cowboys would be in The Super Bowl.
The only U.S. flag not captured or lost during George Armstrong Custer's "Last Stand" at the Battle of Little Bighorn has been bought at auction on a bid of $1.9 million.  Unconfirmed reports say the flag was purchased by the BlackChips Indian tribe, who in a final act of Custer humiliation will give it away as the grand prize in next week’s slot tournament.
A&E has pulled the reality show “The Hasselhoff’s” from it’s schedule, and some are hailing it as a victory for intelligent TV programming.  I don’t know about that, after all C-Span and The View are still on the air.
The son of Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour has apologized for climbing atop a British war memorial during recent student demonstrations.  Gilmour said he had been listening to “The Wall” while eating pot brownies, and it seemed to make sense “to climb things.”
A man wielding a gun robbed a southern California Christmas tree lot.  Police say the man was short and bald, wearing a yellow shirt with a black zigzag pattern on it,and ran away with the biggest tree on the lot yelling “NOT THIS YEAR LUCY!!!  I AM NOT A BLOCKHEAD!!!!”
The top GM executive says that the automaker is being hindered by salary limits the government has clamped on executive pay.  Well, that and the shoddy cars, poor financial decisions, and incredible waste and fraud by their unions.  But mostly the pay caps.  Yeah, that’s it.
Miley Cyrus was caught on video smoking a bong recently at a party.  I’m not defending her, but I might get high to forget taking erotic pictures with my Dad, too.  

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Fondness, Faber, And Florida

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I don’t think the people who coined that phrase were ever absent for a long period.  I also think the people who coined the phrase “coined a phrase” were so poor they didn’t have paper money, but that’s another story.  Do you know what else is another story?  Green Eggs And Ham.  So was “Tootsie.”  Try as you might you can’t deny that.  Anyway, back to absence and the heart; I’ve been absent far too much in the back half of 2010, and it hasn’t made me any fonder of my family, it’s simply made me ... absent.  I’m already more fond of my family than anything else on earth and a good portion of things on Jupiter.  After being home most of the past three weeks I’m heading out again; all absence has made me today is mad.  It’s also made me determined to get off the road - this joke blog will lead to a TV writing gig soon, I can feel it.  You can help - forward my blog to the head writers of all the talk shows that you personally know or have heard of or slept with.  The sooner you do, the sooner the fond can grow harder.  If you get my drift.  I’ll show you pictures.
See more of me including TV appearances & video clips at
... we need a little joking, right this jokey minute ...
Oprah Winfrey has denied that she is a lesbian.  TMZ reports that Stedman is standing by his accusation and daring Oprah to “prove it.”
Good news: Long-term use of a daily low-dose aspirin dramatically cuts the risk of dying from a wide array of cancers.  Bad news: It dramatically increases the risk of dying from aspirin overdose.
A woman in Sacramento has returned a library book that was seventy-four years overdue.  In her defense, the book was “The Never Ending Story.”
A new study by Gallup shows that presidents John F Kennedy and Ronald Reagan remain very popular decades after their terms in office.  However, the most popular president in history remains the President of Faber College’s Delta house, Eric “Otter” Stratton.
Studies suggest that children who attend day-care get more infections now, but will get far fewer later in life.  So those of you who went to day care can save tons of money not buying condoms.
Two Southern California men have filed a class action suit against adult website  The suit would have been filed months ago, but the men had to type their affidavits with one hand.
China told the United States that dialogue was the only way to calm escalating tension on the divided Korean peninsula.  Actually they said “diarogue,” but we knew what they meant.
Bad news: A new report says The United States has fallen from top of the class to average in world education rankings.  Good news: Since we’re no longer brainy geeks, the U.S. now gets to sit at the cool kids lunch table and feel up the cheerleaders at Canada’s party.
Officials say an Antarctic cruise ship with 160 passengers has lost an engine, but is slowly moving safely to its scheduled port.  The most shocking thing about this story is that there are 160 people crazy enough to schedule a cruise to Antarctica.
Joy Behar has been named a judge for the Miss America competition.  Contestants will be judged in several  new categories, such as incessant gum chewing, having an incredibly annoying and nasal accent, and making uninformed and stupid statements with an impossibly and totally undeserved smug demeanor.
A porn actor recently found to be HIV-positive has called for industry-wide condom use.  Part two of the press conference was Charlie Sheen speaking about the wonders of non-alcoholic beer. OR Boy, talk about closing the barn door after the horse escapes ... and then having unprotected sex in that barn. OR He says he will help promote the idea in his new adult film “Information I could Have Used LAST Year.”  OR “Safe Sex Is Cool, Now Hand Me That Blowtorch And Grab Your Ankles.”
A Japanese space probe has overshot Venus and is now headed for the Sun.  I tried to tell them to get in the turning lane sooner, but they just wouldn’t listen.  
A new study says it takes roughly seven months for the violent tendencies of steroid use to abate once a person stops using.  In a related story, a judge has delayed Roger Clemens trial until July, seven months from now.
Police have arrested several students selling cocaine, LSD, and marijuana at Columbia University.  To my father I’d just like to say: See Dad, I wasn’t that bad of a student, was I?
University of Florida football coach Urban Meyer has announced his retirement for the second year in a row.  Meyer says he wants to spend more time with his idol, Brett Favre.
A.I.G. is taking a key step toward paying off their $182 billion federal bailout.  The step?  Jacking up rates on current policyholders!  Yaaaayyy!!!
An Australian study of men aged 75-95 reveals that many are still sexually active and wish they could have even more sex.  Reaction to the study has ranged from “EEEEEW!!!” to “OMFG NO WAY EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!”  OR To be fair, the “wish they could have even more sex” part applies to men age 12-1,000.
Governmental representatives from around the world failed to reach an agreement to fight global warming during their conference in Cancun, Mexico.  Mostly because they were doing topless tequila shooters at Senor Frogs until 4AM.
A mini Triceratops has been found to be the first horny dinosaur from South Korea.  Apparently the Triceratops were soooo hoooorny, and has loved the caveman visiting from New Jersey loooong time.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Carnival, Carrey, And Cash

I’ve been so crazed with Christmas-Dad-type stuff lately I’ve found it difficult to find time to write.  Back at sea Wednesday so I’ll be bored and able to create world-class level snark again.  Until then, my lovelies....
See more of me at
AP Headline: “Michael Brea, the bit-part actor accused of hacking his mother to death with a sword, has been arraigned on charges of second-degree murder.”  Hollywood types, do you think he’s more upset over being accused of murder, or being called a “bit-part actor?”
Hollywood insiders say Jim Carrey could win an award for his gay prison love story.  He’s also apparently in some kind of movie.
Emergency vessels are rushing toward a struggling ship that is drifting near the Aleutian Islands.  Carnival Cruise Line immediately put out a statement reading “Hey, it’s not us this time.  No, seriously.”
A violent confrontation on Easter Island left several dozen injured.  John “Big Bunny” Connor has been called in to mediate the dispute between the Egg-Hiders and their rival faction, the Stone-Movers.
A British manufacturer has unveiled bomb-proof underwear.  Sadly, fart-bottling shorts are still just a pipe dream.
South Korea has named a new Defense Minister.  Countries around the world immediately began asking if they can just call him “Kevin” instead.
A first edition copy of “The Star Spangled Banner” sold for over $500,000 at a recent auction.  Copies of my second CD “Star Spangled Comedy” are still available for $20.  I’m just sayin’.
Seriously CNN?  “Rapper Caught With Marijuana” is worthy of a headline?  Really?  Call me when you see “Rapper Caught With Science Book,” or “Rapper Caught Boarding Plane Unarmed.”
Complain about Christmas music at the mall all you want, it's a zillion times better than being bombarded with techno dance crap at eighty decibels. Hey Banana Republic, I'm Christmas shopping, not raving on ecstasy.
Roman Polanski has won the European Best Picture award.  His film is an autobiographical piece, titled “Scumbag Rapist Piece Of Monkey Dung: How To Succeed In Hollywood Without Really Trying.”
The Russian Space Agency says a programming error caused a rocket carrying three navigation satellites to fail to reach orbit.  Accordingly, Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd have been cleared of all charges and released from the Gulag.
A residential home in Southern california was discovered to be jammed full of crates filled with grenades, mason jars of white, explosive powder and jugs of volatile chemicals.  To keep the home from exploding, authorities have decided to set it afire and watch it blow up.  I’m not kidding.
A jumpsuit once worn by the legendary Johnny Cash was sold at auction for $50,000.  In a similar story, a Willie Nelson concert jacket weighing 100 ounces brought in $2,000 at HempFest 2010.
The NFL Players Association has told it’s members to save their money, because a lockout may be coming in 2011.  With the average NFL salary about $1.8 million, let’s all start holding bake sales and donation drives to help these brave young men find a way to make ends meet.  OR Many players are worried as the cost of guns, drugs, and hookers continues to spiral.  OR The NFLPA has issued a plea for a federal bailout, claiming to be “Too big and ‘roided out to fail.”

Friday, December 3, 2010

Now Bring Us Some Figgy Pudding!

More Dad-like Christmas stuff today.  I expect that by the end of this evening I’ll be covered to my elbows with that red and green decorative sugar ... out of common decency I won’t tell you what I’ll be covered in from the waist down.  I am going to take my first ever crack at traditional English Figgy Pudding.  (You know, because who’s more  knowledgeable about fine cuisine than the English?  Afterwards maybe I’ll read up on traditional French bathing.)  Oh, and yesterday I forgot to mention that LeBron James is a bitch.
See more of me at, including TV appearances.
... I’m jolly old joke Nicholas ...
Pittsburgh Linebacker James Harrison has been fined $125,000 for illegal hits this season.  Which is nothing compared to Ben Roethlesberger’s four game suspension for “illegal hits.”
A Chinese passenger train hit a record speed of 302 MPH during a test run.  So now you get your Kung Pao Chicken in fifteen minutes or it’s free.  OR This is in direct contrast to the Chinese highway vehicles that routinely travel 42 MPH in the fast lane.
Chuck Norris, who played “Walker, Texas Ranger” on TV, was made an honorary member of the real Texas Rangers.  In a related story, Gigi Rice, who played a prostitute on “The John Larroquette Show,” was made an honorary member of Congress.  OR In a related story, LeBron James has been made an honorary prostitute.
The New York City house used to film “The Godfather” is up for sale.  The real estate ad reads in part: “$2.9 million, or any offer we can’t refuse.”
The U.S. Air Force's secrecy-shrouded X-37B unmanned spaceplane returned to Earth after more than seven months in orbit on a classified mission.  In a related story, TMZ announced they’ve purchased thousands of naked celebrity photographs from the U.S. Air Force.
Actor Johannes Heesters has quit smoking at age 106.  Great, but my question is: why?  What’s he afraid cigarettes are going to do, take him “before his time?”  He’s 106, for crying out loud!  If I make it to 106 I’ll smoke whatever the hell I want.  I’ll have a Single-Malt-Scotch IV and a hooker on retainer.
Christine O’Donnell reportedly has a book deal.  The working title is “And Your Little Dog, Too!”
So let me get this straight: Charlie Rangel’s punishment for fraud is that he has to work less?  Remember this next time a member of Congress says only rich & powerful people in the private sector are “the ruling class.”
WNBA President Donna Orender announced she is stepping down at the end of this season.  This led basketball fans around the world to wonder “The WNBA is still around?”
Thousands of fossils have been found in the area of the proposed Tule Springs National Monument north of Las Vegas.  Paleontologists have discovered the bones of Mammoths, giant camels, and more than fifty Italian men in silk suits.
Actor Josh Duhamel was removed from a plane and arrested for refusing to turn off his Blackberry ... and for “When In Rome,” and Season three of “Las Vegas.”