Thursday, December 30, 2010

Rumors, Rockets & Roger Goodell

I’m considering starting a fake internet rumor to drive traffic to my blog.  You know, something people on the ‘net will believe if it appears in a Google search, like “Chocolate Covered Raisins Shown To Reduce Belly Fat,” or “Jennifer Aniston and Rachael Ray Compare Breasts At Stephen Thomas Comedy Show.”  (It could happen, you shut up)  So I’m taking suggestions on what my rumor should be; should I go with a health tip?  Celebrity trash?  A story that somehow ties together Chinese Rare Earth Prices and Brett Favre’s penis?  I’m not sure at this point, so please weigh in with your thoughts.  A few that I’ve created so far:
“Rise in home foreclosures blamed on lima beans.”
“Supercharge your finances by buying more video games and eating Oreos!”
“Scientists find link between joke blog writing and extremely enlarged penis size.”
“Christine O’Donnell, Sarah Palin & Natalie Portman in topless bikini bash!”
“Casting Stephen Thomas to voice your cartoon greatly reduces chance of getting herpes.”
Just musing.  Thanks in advance for your assistance.
As always, see more of me including TV appearances, promo video and schedule at
... joking seems to be the hardest word ...
A man from Nantucket has been freed on charges of kidnapping in Haiti.  However, he still faces possible arrest and extradition for grossly exaggerating the length of certain male body parts.
Staffers for Christine O’Donnell have labeled the FBI investigation into her campaign funds “A witch hunt.”  They don’t come any easier than that, folks.
Hundreds of Manatees are swimming to warmer waters to escape the unusually low temperatures in the Gulf Of Mexico.  One was spotted as far away as Kirstie Alley’s swimming pool.
A rocket carrying an Indian communication satellite exploded just after liftoff Saturday.  Reporters calling India for comment were put on hold, told their call was very important, and asked to stay on the line for the next available customer service representative.
Researchers say 250 billion pieces of plastic are floating in the Mediterranean.  I didn’t know the Cannes Film Festival invited 125 billion Hollywood actresses.
NASA representatives say the Mars Rover will be celebrating New Years Eve at “The Big Crater.”  How the Mars Rover got an invitation to Pamela Anderson’s vagina is anyone’s guess.
Thousands of people in Northern Ireland remained without water for a ninth day after pipes burst in the cold last week.  Of course, being in Ireland half of the population is asking “Why the hell are you drinking water anyway, laddie?!”
The state of Minnesota sued 3M today, saying the company contaminated the state's water supply with brain-altering chemicals for decades.  Analysts say this may explain the elections of Jessie The Body Ventura AND Al Franken.
Tucker Carlson said he thinks Michael Vick “should have been executed” for his dog-fighting crimes.  So except for the bow tie, this is the stupidest thing Carlson has ever done.
New research shows that fish oil capsules won't help boost weight loss if you're already dieting and exercising.  What will help is having more sex with your husband.  Married guys, I’ll sell you this research for $1,000.  OR No really, I swear.  I’ll show you the research, just come on over...
Unconfirmed reports say that had Roger Goodell found more evidence against Brett Favre, he’d have given a much tougher punishment; he’d have forced him to play for the Bengals in 2011.  That’s harsh Rog ... harsh.
Three Ivy League professors upset with the extension of tax cuts have created a website that encourages Americans to give their tax savings to charities.  Americans have created a website in response,  
Chrysler is recalling 150,000 SUV’s.  Ford is recalling nearly 20,000 trucks.  It’s good to see American car makers getting back to business as usual.
British and U.S. scientists have compiled the most comprehensive list of land plant species ever published, boasting that it is over 300,000-species strong.  Skeptical German scientists have pointed out that nearly 40,000 of those are named “John ‘The Plant’ Smith.”
Gas prices in Los Angeles rose for the ninth consecutive day.  However, some brainless celebrity was arrested or announced they were gay or released a sex tape, so no one in Hollywood really noticed.
Defense lawyers say they will argue that Michael Jackson committed suicide.  They also plan to argue that Jenn Sterger sent herself pictures of Brett Favre’s penis.
A new study says the type of formula fed to infants influences how quickly they gain weight.  So if you don’t want a fat baby, stay away from “Chocolate Covered Twinkie Brand Baby Formula.”

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