Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Now I Remember, I Had The Lasagna

“An opening monologue?  What is it?”  “It’s a series of jokes to open a show or in this case a joke blog, but that’s not important right now.”  Leslie, you will be missed.
See more of me at

... on with the jokes ...
Leslie Nielson has passed on.  He was an actor with an entirely different comedic range.  Altogether.
A French couple has come forward with 271 undocumented, never-before-seen works by Pablo Picasso with an estimated worth of $80 million.  Though also undocumented, they also claim to have Vincent Van Gogh’s left nut.
Archaeologists say that the extinction of the dinosaurs paved the way for gigantic mammals.  So once again history comes alive for Kirstie Alley.
New research suggests that walking about five miles a week may help slow the progression of Alzheimer's disease.  All that walking also gives the person caring for them plenty of time to hide things around the house for fun.
President Obama says the two-year pay freeze for federal employees is “the first of many tough decisions” that need to be made.  Yeah ... that one’s not all that tough for most of us, Mr President.  OR  Other “tough” decisions are a 10% cutback in Congressional fact-finding trips to Barbados, a one-month freeze on the President’s rounds of golf, and a 1%, across the board cut in underage hookers for Senators.  OR To decide which “tough” decisions must be made next, The President announced the formation of the all-new, $800 billion “Tough Decisions Department,” to be headed by the new “Spending Cuts Czar,” who will take his department of 300 new employees and their families to the monthlong “Budget Cuts Conference” in San Moritz, Switzerland.
South Korea has cancelled a military drill that was scheduled for Monday, amid rising tensions on the peninsula.  Sarah Palin is waiting to see how our North Korean allies respond before commenting.
I have a feeling that if the WikiLeaks people were Tea Partiers, they would already have been classified “terrorists” and hauled into court.
Scientists are reporting early success in “tricking” human cells into changing identities, for example from a skin cell into a heart muscle cell.  This breakthrough could allow the paralyzed to walk, the blind to see, and men who own a Ferrari to grow a larger penis.
A New Jersey pastor who barred church officials from using Facebook will take a 90-day sabbatical.  This is according to his Twitter & MySpace pages.
This week, any Borders customer making an in-store purchase will receive a $15 gift card to donate to a public school of their choice.  As per the usual Department Of Education operations, nearly four cents of that will actually make it to a student.
Despite not winning a single tournament this year, Tiger Woods gave himself “a passing grade” for 2010.  Woods said “Hey, I nailed a couple dozen chicks and only one of them is really pissed about it, that’s win-win in my book.”
In recent military maneuvers and air shows, Iran has been proudly touting advances in its radar systems, anti-aircraft batteries, plus attack and reconnaissance drones.  In a related story, the US is set to announce brand new technological weaponry that easily defeats all current radar systems, anti-aircraft batteries, plus attack and reconnaissance drones.
A new study says that grade school children can’t accurately estimate the speed of approaching cars moving faster than twenty MPH.  I don’t even want to tell you how they did this study.  OR So go at least twenty-five when you’re trying to take out those punk skateboarders on your block.
A new study suggests that extra weight around the middle “ups a woman's risk of developing osteoporosis.”  Personally, I don’t trust any study that uses the word “ups” instead of “raises.” 
The Pentagon introduced a new weapon into Afghanistan that it says will become the Taliban’s “worst nightmare.”  So apparently this weapon makes the Taliban believe they forgot to wear pants to school.  OR The nightmare?  A promotional blitz for “Waterworld 2: Electric Boogaloo.”  OR The new weapon is the XM25.  Next week The Pentagon unveils the EM50 Urban Assault Vehicle.
So if it’s Constitutional to require everyone to carry insurance, does that mean I can drop my auto policy’s “Uninsured Driver” rider?
Interpol called Wednesday for the arrest of WikiLeaks' shadowy founder Julian Assange.  The TSA has offered to help find him by sexually groping everyone who tries to fly this week.
We’ve learned that in Iran, a mistress is referred to as a “temporary wife.” So, you know ... not everything about Iran is bad.  OR  Conversely, men in Hollywood refer to their actual wife as a “temporary wife.”
Preliminary surveys indicate that "Tron: Legacy" could open significantly below expectations.  Which is utterly shocking for a thirty year old sequel to a flop that no one liked anyway.
Al Masini, the creator of Entertainment Tonight, has passed away.  The story was first reported by TMZ.
Statistics indicate that the rate of high school graduation rose slightly during the last reporting period.  Perhaps not oddly, the rate of increase exactly mirrors the rate of increase in Chinese immigrants.
A homeless man in Los Angeles has been arrested for sexual assault of a German Shepherd at a local animal shelter.  Police say the crime is shocking, since the white, fluffy French Poodle was WAY hotter.
In Cricket news, fast bowler Shanthakumaran Sreesanth grabbed four wickets as India kept New Zealand down to 258-8 in the second one-day international in Jaipur on Wednesday.  If you have ANY clue what the preceding sentence means, please email me.
Police say that a man in Huntington Beach, CA was attacked by “Spanish speaking robbers.”  OK, so we’re looking for guys who speak Spanish in LA ... that narrows the potential list of suspects to about fifty billion.
A New York City organ donation program has expanded to include deaths that occur “naturally” in the home.  The program, run by a “J. Gotti,” now promises to “Get you the organ you want in thirty minutes or it’s free.”
An international advocacy group says that Mexico has done little to improve the squalid conditions of adults and children in mental institutions.  To be fair, Mexico has also done little to improve the conditions of those NOT in mental institutions, so it’s not like they’re discriminating or anything.
Scientists are asking if Space Farmers could grow crops on other planets.  I think the more pertinent question is can Space Cowboys be called Maurice on other planets?
An Irish Setter named Clooney was voted Best In Show at The National Dog Show last week. Clooney was only invited at the last minute, after Nevada beat Boise State. OR Ohio State President E. Gordon Gee was furious, saying that “Irish Setters aren’t worthy of even playing for the National Championship.” 
A federal judge ordered the destruction of a genetically modified crop of sugar beets, saying that they were planted illegally.  Also because he read on WikiLeaks that the beets had become self-aware and were planning to attack a nearby carrot field.
The Obama Administration said it will not end the drilling ban in Florida.  College students across the land are expected to do tons of drilling in Florida anyway during Spring Break 2011.

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