Monday, December 6, 2010

Carnival, Carrey, And Cash

I’ve been so crazed with Christmas-Dad-type stuff lately I’ve found it difficult to find time to write.  Back at sea Wednesday so I’ll be bored and able to create world-class level snark again.  Until then, my lovelies....
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AP Headline: “Michael Brea, the bit-part actor accused of hacking his mother to death with a sword, has been arraigned on charges of second-degree murder.”  Hollywood types, do you think he’s more upset over being accused of murder, or being called a “bit-part actor?”
Hollywood insiders say Jim Carrey could win an award for his gay prison love story.  He’s also apparently in some kind of movie.
Emergency vessels are rushing toward a struggling ship that is drifting near the Aleutian Islands.  Carnival Cruise Line immediately put out a statement reading “Hey, it’s not us this time.  No, seriously.”
A violent confrontation on Easter Island left several dozen injured.  John “Big Bunny” Connor has been called in to mediate the dispute between the Egg-Hiders and their rival faction, the Stone-Movers.
A British manufacturer has unveiled bomb-proof underwear.  Sadly, fart-bottling shorts are still just a pipe dream.
South Korea has named a new Defense Minister.  Countries around the world immediately began asking if they can just call him “Kevin” instead.
A first edition copy of “The Star Spangled Banner” sold for over $500,000 at a recent auction.  Copies of my second CD “Star Spangled Comedy” are still available for $20.  I’m just sayin’.
Seriously CNN?  “Rapper Caught With Marijuana” is worthy of a headline?  Really?  Call me when you see “Rapper Caught With Science Book,” or “Rapper Caught Boarding Plane Unarmed.”
Complain about Christmas music at the mall all you want, it's a zillion times better than being bombarded with techno dance crap at eighty decibels. Hey Banana Republic, I'm Christmas shopping, not raving on ecstasy.
Roman Polanski has won the European Best Picture award.  His film is an autobiographical piece, titled “Scumbag Rapist Piece Of Monkey Dung: How To Succeed In Hollywood Without Really Trying.”
The Russian Space Agency says a programming error caused a rocket carrying three navigation satellites to fail to reach orbit.  Accordingly, Chevy Chase and Dan Akroyd have been cleared of all charges and released from the Gulag.
A residential home in Southern california was discovered to be jammed full of crates filled with grenades, mason jars of white, explosive powder and jugs of volatile chemicals.  To keep the home from exploding, authorities have decided to set it afire and watch it blow up.  I’m not kidding.
A jumpsuit once worn by the legendary Johnny Cash was sold at auction for $50,000.  In a similar story, a Willie Nelson concert jacket weighing 100 ounces brought in $2,000 at HempFest 2010.
The NFL Players Association has told it’s members to save their money, because a lockout may be coming in 2011.  With the average NFL salary about $1.8 million, let’s all start holding bake sales and donation drives to help these brave young men find a way to make ends meet.  OR Many players are worried as the cost of guns, drugs, and hookers continues to spiral.  OR The NFLPA has issued a plea for a federal bailout, claiming to be “Too big and ‘roided out to fail.”

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