More Dad-like Christmas stuff today. I expect that by the end of this evening I’ll be covered to my elbows with that red and green decorative sugar ... out of common decency I won’t tell you what I’ll be covered in from the waist down. I am going to take my first ever crack at traditional English Figgy Pudding. (You know, because who’s more knowledgeable about fine cuisine than the English? Afterwards maybe I’ll read up on traditional French bathing.) Oh, and yesterday I forgot to mention that LeBron James is a bitch.
See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, including TV appearances.
... I’m jolly old joke Nicholas ...
Pittsburgh Linebacker James Harrison has been fined $125,000 for illegal hits this season. Which is nothing compared to Ben Roethlesberger’s four game suspension for “illegal hits.”
A Chinese passenger train hit a record speed of 302 MPH during a test run. So now you get your Kung Pao Chicken in fifteen minutes or it’s free. OR This is in direct contrast to the Chinese highway vehicles that routinely travel 42 MPH in the fast lane.
Chuck Norris, who played “Walker, Texas Ranger” on TV, was made an honorary member of the real Texas Rangers. In a related story, Gigi Rice, who played a prostitute on “The John Larroquette Show,” was made an honorary member of Congress. OR In a related story, LeBron James has been made an honorary prostitute.
The New York City house used to film “The Godfather” is up for sale. The real estate ad reads in part: “$2.9 million, or any offer we can’t refuse.”
The U.S. Air Force's secrecy-shrouded X-37B unmanned spaceplane returned to Earth after more than seven months in orbit on a classified mission. In a related story, TMZ announced they’ve purchased thousands of naked celebrity photographs from the U.S. Air Force.
Actor Johannes Heesters has quit smoking at age 106. Great, but my question is: why? What’s he afraid cigarettes are going to do, take him “before his time?” He’s 106, for crying out loud! If I make it to 106 I’ll smoke whatever the hell I want. I’ll have a Single-Malt-Scotch IV and a hooker on retainer.
Christine O’Donnell reportedly has a book deal. The working title is “And Your Little Dog, Too!”
So let me get this straight: Charlie Rangel’s punishment for fraud is that he has to work less? Remember this next time a member of Congress says only rich & powerful people in the private sector are “the ruling class.”
WNBA President Donna Orender announced she is stepping down at the end of this season. This led basketball fans around the world to wonder “The WNBA is still around?”
Thousands of fossils have been found in the area of the proposed Tule Springs National Monument north of Las Vegas. Paleontologists have discovered the bones of Mammoths, giant camels, and more than fifty Italian men in silk suits.
Actor Josh Duhamel was removed from a plane and arrested for refusing to turn off his Blackberry ... and for “When In Rome,” and Season three of “Las Vegas.”