Thursday, November 18, 2010

Mele Kalikimaka, Charlie Brown

Today will be my last joke blog until after Thanksgiving.  I head out tomorrow for a vacation with my entire extended family.  I’m not going to tell you where, because I want to minimize the number of screaming, sex-charged groupies that follow me around.  I’m also planning a full-fledged Charlie Brown Thanksgiving dinner, complete with popcorn and toast, and I don’t want to share.  (This year I’m kicking that folding chair’s ass)  I’ll see you after Thanksgiving - add that to the list of things to be thankful for, legions of readers.  Now go do legion-ish stuff for a week.
See more of me including TV appearances and promo videos at, or by following me on vacation.
... by the time I get to Phoenix, she’ll be joking ...
Kid Rock will be in Detroit's NFL stadium twice over the next two months.  Vegas bookmakers have installed him as a five point favorite over the Lions in both games.
Me: Should I start a Facebook fan page?  Wife: Shouldn’t you get a fan or two first?  In a story I swear is not related at all, four out of ten people believe marriage is becoming obsolete.
Four our of ten people believe marriage is becoming obsolete.  However, that number dropped to under one in ten when the survey removed people with the last names Sheen, Longoria, and Gosseling. OR ...when you remove people who have been married to Larry King, that number drops dramatically.  
A man in Wisconsin who blasted his TV with a shotgun while watching Bristol Palin's "Dancing with the Stars" routine apparently has a history of this type of behavior.  Police indicate he has an arrest in 2004 for knifing his toaster during “Emeril Live,” and again in 1995 for pistol-whipping his shortwave radio while watching “Suddenly Susan.”  OR man, if he’s that upset over a reality show, how pissed will he be if Sarah wins in 2012?  Someone should check his basement for bazooka’s and a suitcase nuke.
Eva Longoria filed to divorce basketball star Tony Parker, citing “irreconcilable differences.”  Apparently the differences were that she wanted to raise any children Roman Catholic, and he wanted to repeatedly nail other women.
Silent film star Marie Osborne Yeats has passed away at the age of ninety-nine.  Friends say she died quietly, with bouncy ragtime piano music in the background.
Researchers have unveiled a new treatment for severely obese children.  The treatment involves yelling “Put down the Twinkie, eat a carrot, and go outside and play you little fucker!”
An armed man robbed a Chuck E Cheese this week.  Police say he escaped with several thousand in cash, two dozen fuzzy troll pencils, and a kickass Death Star piggy bank.
Prime Minister Vladimir Putin got a new puppy this week, and has asked Russian citizens to help him name it.  So far the leading vote getting names are “Sergei No-Nuts,” “The Spy Who Pooped On The Shag,” and “Snooki Glasnost.”  
Bristol Palin and The Situation have recorded a PSA for an anti-teen-pregnancy group.  I’ll say that again: Bristol Palin and The Situation have recorded a PSA for an anti-teen-pregnancy group.  Next week: Kirstie Alley and Oprah team up to keep kids thin, and don’t miss the Just Say No special with Charlie Sheen and Ozzy!  OR Next week on Sarah Palin’s Alaska, a special baby announcement!
Oil prices rebounded Thursday as the dollar fell against the euro amid mounting expectations of an EU-IMF bailout for debt-laden Ireland, and following news of plunging US crude inventories.  Or something like that.  Who fucking knows anymore?
Germany announced that it has strong evidence Islamist militant groupsare planning attacks in the next two weeks.  The evidence is apparently a video released by an Islamist militant group that said “Hey, we’re going to attack Germany.  Probably in the next two weeks.”
Susan Boyle has a No. 1 album in the United States and the U.K. simultaneously for the second time in a year.  This makes her the first female artist to ever accomplish the feat, while having absolutely no one stroke it to her videos.
Penn State's Joe Paterno has been honored by Congress for his 400th career win, and President Obama released a children’s book.  Well good, I guess that means the economy is fixed and the wars are over, right? Everything’s great now?  Right?
A new study says women in their 40s with a moderate family risk of breast cancer should get yearly mammograms.  It also says those women should have far more sex with their husbands.  No really.  I have the study here somewhere, I’ll show you if you don’t believe me.  Hang on...
Real headline on Yahoo News I could not possibly make up, I swear this is it verbatim:  “Health Tip: Avoid Contracting Pneumonia.”  Thanks Yahoo, anything else?  Maybe “Fun  Tip: Avoid Getting Face Kicked,” or “Financial Tip: Avoid Being Broke.”
Good news: Statistics show that sales of tobacco to youths have hit an all time low.  Bad news: Tobacco sales to “older brothers” of youths who look suspiciously like a local homeless guy have hit an all time high.
Cardinals from around the world are flocking to Rome for a daylong discussion of some of the most critical issues facing the Catholic church.  A leaked copy of the seminar schedule includes the topics: “Working hip-hop references into your sermon and why kids find it sexy, 8-9AM,” “Where to get the best deals on windowless vans, 10-11AM,” and “Bulk candy stores, YOUR salvation! 2-3 PM.”
An investigation into the collision of a Japanese whaling ship and a protest boat off Antarctica has found that the skippers of both vessels were to blame.  Hearing the news, the skippers yelled “GilligAAAAAAAAAN!” and beat their respective first mates relentlessly with their hats.
Tiger Woods is now on Twitter.  His handle? @richhungplaya69.
India's Supreme Court demanded that the Prime Minister explain why the government took a year to investigate a cell-phone licensing scandal that cost the country billions of dollars.  The Prime Minister directed the court to his customer call center, where they were told the call was very important and to stay on the line, a representative would be with them shortly, and their expected wait time was half past never.  OR The Prime Minister could not be reached for comment, as he was busy hanging off the side of an overcrowded train.
Oklahoma: Could Be Worse, Could Be Nebraska
France: PIss Off!
China: You come here!  You come here have fun!  Now!

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